If you’re down in the dumps or having a tough time getting out of an emotional rut, making a gratitude list can help. When things are difficult, it’s not uncommon to focus on the negative, particularly when it feels like “bad” is conspiring against you. Gratitude lists are simple, straightforward, and tremendously helpful.
Grab a notebook, and call it your “book of gratitude,” or whatever name suits you. Commit to writing down three things every day that you are grateful for. It can be anything:
Your dog
Oreo cookies
Laughter
Books
The sun
Wind
Your best friend
Your mom or dad or both
The earth
The ocean
Your breakfast cereal
See where I’m going with this? A gratitude list doesn’t have to be epic or profound. It just has to contain things, no matter how small, that inspire gratitude.
If you want to kick it up a notch, be of service. Volunteer for an organization you believe in. We sponsor Mutt Match dog adoption events twice a month, and I have to tell you, everyone who volunteers inadvertently begins to feel some gratitude. You can:
Volunteer at your local animal shelter
Volunteer for an organization you believe in. Check out Do Something for some interesting and inspiring organizations young people can get involved in.
Volunteer for a teen helpline or get involved in peer counseling.
Check out organizations directly associated with your community: maybe there’s a homeless population that you want to help, or perhaps your local library offers opportunities to read to younger kids.
The options for service and discovering gratitude are vast and endless. Helping others inspires gratitude, and it gets you out of yourself. Creating a Gratitude list is really the beginning of what can be wonderful opportunities to be of service and feel better about yourself.
We’ve recently talked about text bombing and sexting, with the overlying arc being cyberbullying. It is defined as pervasive, relational aggression, also known as “covert aggression.” It is carried out via the use of electronic technology, such as cell phones, computers, and tablets by means of text messages, social media sites, and online “chatting.” For example, someone may create an online rumor by posting an embarrassing, or inflammatory image or story on social media or in an email. Because it’s online, it has the capacity to spread much faster and have a longer reach. Cyberbullying intimidates its victims with its intent to control, isolate, shame, and instill fear.
Some forms of cyberbullying are:
1. A person pretends to be someone else and chats or messages someone online with the intent to trick, shame, or embarrass someone else.
2. Extremely sensitive or personal information is posted and shared online.
3. Lies and gossip are maliciously posted or shared online.
4. Digitally manipulated, often pornographic images are posted or distributed without consent.
5. Online threats. These can be vague or specific.
6. Exclusion, or intensionally excluding someone from an inner or online group or site
Why is cyberbullying different?
1. There is no “off” button: this type of bullying can happen 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The aggressor can reach its target when they are alone, late at night, and early in the morning.
2. Images and/or messages can be posted anonymously to a wide audience, and they can be difficult to trace.
What can you do?
1. Monitor your child’s web activity. Take care to really pay attention to what sites they are using and how “connected” they are. Increase your vigilance if you notice your child is showing signs of depression, becomes withdrawn, or suffers from low self-esteem.
2. Teach your kids to avoid environments rife with cyberbulling: Facebook, chat rooms, Snap Chat are some of the many sites out there that are breeding grounds for this behavior.
3. You decide what places are unsafe for your child, taking age, maturity, and other factors into consideration.
4. Arm yourself with information. Become well-versed in the ins and outs of social media sites. Get tech savvy, folks and embrace your inner geek!
5. Express the importance of keeping personal information personal and off of the Internet.
Unfortunately, statistics are showing an increase in cyberbulling not a decrease:
1. 58% of kids admit someone has said mean or hurtful things to them online. More than 4 out of 10 say it has happened more than once.
2. 53% of kids admit having said something mean or hurtful to another person online. More than 1 in 3 have done it more than once.
3. 58% of kids have not told their parents or an adult about something mean or hurtful that happened to them online.
4. 40% of kids have had their password(s) stolen and changed by a bully.
5. Cyberbullying victims are eight times more likely to report carrying a weapon to school in the last 30 days than non-bullied teens.
6. Cyberbullying has led to at least four documented cases of teen suicide in the United States.
7. Only 15% of parents polled knew what cyberbullying was.
Cyberbullying isn’t going away right now; it’s an unfortunate byproduct of the increase and variability in technological tools and means of communication. We as parents and teachers need to arm ourselves with information and learn to make better, safer choices. Frankly, most kids don’t need smart phones, but they have them and as a result, they have easy access to a multitude of apps that are designed for online social activity. Some are even designed to promote anonymity or to delete messages as soon as you’ve sent them. This is a good opportunity to have stronger, more defined boundaries and some dedicated time set aside that is technology free.
You can:
1. Have a no-tech zone around meal times.
2. Go on an outdoor adventure with your family that is technology free.
3. Embrace the value of direct communication. For example, call someone instead of texting.
Technology was designed to make things more efficient and interactive. It has the capacity to reach into spaces we never thought possible. Still, we must harness its dark side for the sake of safety and well-being.
Finding the best adolescent treatment center for your teen entails finding the care that is most appropriate for their needs. Treating teens requires a different approach than adults because of their cognitive development, the significance of peer influence, and the differences in their values and beliefs. Teens are in the midst of their individuation process, and with that comes a natural rebellion and resistance to change and receptivity to outside influence. The best adolescent treatment center should be able to meet each client where they are.
The best adolescent treatment center will employ a team approach to problem solving and include the family, previous treatment professionals, educators, consultants, and any other specialist that may prove helpful to an adolescent’s recovery. To ensure success, the facility will create individualized plans for each client with regard to their specific needs; this will encourage emotional growth, provide academic support, and foster healthy family relationships to cultivate reparative functionality.
When a family is seeking treatment for their teen, they should look for a place that is dedicated and committed to the ultimate health and welfare of their family.
Key questions parents should ask
1. Is the facility licensed by the state?
Find out what aspects of the program the license covers.
2. Does the facility provide an academic curriculum?
Is it available to all clients? Will academic credits transfer?
3. Does the facility have a clinical director? What are his/her credentials?
4. What are the credentials of the staff, especially the counselors and therapists, who will be working with my child?
How experienced is the staff? How long has the center been providing adolescent treatment? What is the staff turnover?
5. Does the facility conduct background checks on the employees?
If the facility doesn’t, consider that a red flag.
6. What are the criteria for admission? Do they conduct pre-admission assessments? Are they in person, by phone, or over the Internet? Who conducts them?
7. Will they provide an individualized program with a detailed explanation of the therapies, interventions, and supports that will address my child’s needs? When is this done? How often will my child be reassessed?
Confirm the frequency of therapy sessions, whether they are group, individual or both. Confirm that promised level of care is being received after admission to the program.
8. How does the facility handle medical issues like illness or injury? Is there a nurse or doctor on staff? Will you contact me? Will I be notified or consulted if there’s a change in treatment or medication?
Ask for copies of medical procedures followed in the event of a medical emergency.
9. How do you define success? What is your success rate? How is it measured?
Some programs make specific success claims in their advertising materials. To date, there is no systematic, independently collected descriptive or outcome data on these programs.
10. How do you discipline program participants?
11. Can I contact/speak with my child when I want? Can my child contact me when he/she wants?
Each program differs. Find out what is allowed prior to admission.
12. What are the costs? What is covered? What is your refund policy if the program doesn’t work out?
13. Do you have relationships with companies and individuals that provide educational and referral services?
The best adolescent treatment facility will want you to succeed. They will want you to thrive. They will want you to get well. They will nurture you so you can learn to feel good in your skin and they will provide you with the sense that you are part of a family. Ultimately, a facility will promote a process of healing that encourages and sustains a healthy lifestyle.
At Visions, we strive to provide the best treatment experience for every family. Our goal is to wholeheartedly support the adolescent treatment industry through leadership while we work shoulder to shoulder in a community and world that continues to evolve.
Visions has been providing Adolescent Treatment in Malibu, California, since 2002.
We know and understand the ins and outs of adolescence, deftly differentiating between “normal” ups and downs and those that are polarizing to the family dynamic: i.e., substance abuse, mental health issues, eating disorders, and video game addiction. The trials and tribulations of adolescence can sometimes go awry, however, placing teens and their parents in situations where seeking outside help is the only solution. Finding help and asking for help are one of the most difficult positions for a family to find themselves. At Visions, it is always our goal to be able to provide a safe, welcoming environment in which one can confront those fears and get the necessary help they need.
An adolescent who is self-harming, playing too many video games, using drugs and alcohol, binging or restricting from food is begging for help via their actions. I try to remember what my own adolescence was like when I consider my reactions to my own adolescent: I remember being terrified and feeling alone, but the mere thought of admitting that was verboten. The struggles I had were very real, and the need for parental interception was extraordinarily relevent. As parents, it’s natural to feel anger and frustration because our teen is acting out, but if we can step out of the mindset of anger and blame, we may actually be able to show up for our teens in a way that is beneficial to them. An Adolescent Treatment facility can facilitate that process. When the bridge from parent to child is paved with cracked stones, finding a treatment facility that is facilitated by a skilled clinical staff will encourage the process of mending those cracks; families will learn to create a familial foundation of healing in order to rebuild that bridge back to one another.
If you are worried about your child, see if any of these warning signs sound familiar:
Is your child away from home for long periods of time and unable to communicate where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing?
When they do come home, do they beeline for their room, making no eye contact or conversation?
Is there a profound change in behavior: is your child especially angry or easily agitated or are they showing signs of depressions or apathy?
Are their grades suddenly dropping?
Has their social circle suddenly changed?
Have they radically altered their appearance in some way?
Are their moods markedly changing?
Has there been an abrupt change in weight?
Visions Adolescent Treatment in Malibu is here for you 24 hours a day. You can reach us by email or by phone. We would love to hear from you and help your family transition to a place of health and healing. Be well.
To be resilient/to have resilience is to be able to quickly “bounce back” or “recover from” a traumatic/stressful experience. It’s the ability to self-regulate, self-soothe, and get grounded when times are tough.
How do you find your resilience?
Resilience develops when we learn to effectively self-regulate. When we develop the ability to recognize the interconnectivity between our minds and our bodies, noticing their effect on one another, we give our nervous system a chance to reset itself. As we gain resources, our resilience increases, allowing us to “bounce back” more readily than when we are dysregulated. Ultimately, your resources should come from within, because wherever you are, there you are. You can’t escape yourself (trust me, I’ve tried).
Tap into your resources:
Breathe – Breathing is our most magnificent resource. It’s portable and it’s always with us. Exhaling longer than your inhale can trigger the parasympathetic nervous system, our internal ER. Try this simple breathing exercise:
Sit in a quiet space where you can relax. Softly close your eyes and begin to notice your breath:
Inhale – one
Exhale – two
Inhale – three
Exhale — four
Do this until you get to 10. Repeat 3 times.
This is a simple mindfulness technique that invites calm. Your parasympathetic nervous system can jump in here, slowing the heart beat and cooling the breath.
Meditation and yoga: both of these are contemplative practices that invite you to get back in touch with your internal mechanisms. With practices like meditation and yoga, your internal resources have permission to flourish.
Do we all have it?
Stressful events happen…to all of us. How we recover from them and process them is contingent on our personal histories. For example, if we are raised in an environment where we are silenced and unheard, then managing stress will be reminiscent of that: we may squash it, bury it, or set it aside. We will try to “deal with it.” In reality, we aren’t dealing with anything when we do that; in fact, we are denying it and allowing it to fester. At the same time, if we are raised in an environment where communication is encouraged, and feelings are met with understanding, one’s resilience to stress will tend to be higher.
Is it easier for some to access resilience than it is for others?
I believe that most people can develop resilience if they have a support system in place and encouragement to work with their shadows and unpack their traumas. However, there needs to be an opportunity available to do this work, or the desire to seek help. If one comes from an impoverished environment, their ability to resource would be limited. At the same time, someone with more options would be more likely to have access to resources, making resilience more easily attainable. I often use myself as a reference when talking about overcoming adversity because I wasn’t provided with the best hand of cards. I definitely had a few jokers in there. What I did have was a deep desire to change my circumstances. This gave my resilience a chance to develop and for that I am grateful. Being an at-risk teen didn’t provide me with a lot of outside resources.
At Visions, we have a remarkable staff of trauma-informed therapists to help families develop resilience. We are forward thinking in our approach to trauma, recognizing that each person requires an individualized process, and understanding the challenges people are faced with when doing this work. At the core, we are lighting the internal fire of hope and healing in our families, empowering each client to discover their ability work with their difficulties in more sustainable, healthy ways. Our nervous systems respond well to kindness and compassion, and with support, these actions can begin to come from ourselves. It means we have to muddle through the shame and grief that plagues us, and give ourselves permission to heal. Recovery is possible; resilience is possible; you are possible.
Most of us have stress in our lives. It comes with being a human being in a busy world. As parents, we have the stress of running a home, working, and raising children. As teachers, we have the stress of providing safe, nurturing, educational forums for our students. As therapists and mental-health workers, we have the stress of the role of caretaker. All of these are wonderful and virtuous roles and the stress that comes with them is tolerable when there are outlets to discharge it and refuel. Where stress becomes intolerable is in situations where there is no relief. Long-term stress will eventually create larger issues like:
Headaches
Neck, Shoulder and Back Pain
Fatigue
Digestion issues (stomach aches, heartburn)
Irregular heart beat
Compromised immune system
Depression
Worry
Irritability and/or anger
Eating too much or not enough
There are many ways in which we can manage stress. We can:
Breathe. Our breath is one of the most magnificent tools we have. It is something we can do without effort, but it is also something that can be done with focused effort. When we practice controlling our breath, and raising our consciousness around it, it can greatly benefit our nervous systems. Taking deep, meaningful breaths nourishes and invokes our parasympathetic nervous systems, the part of our brains responsible for relaxation and calm. In fact, if our nervous system had a fire department, the parasympathetic nervous system is it. We have to engage in activities that support our parasympathetic nervous systems so we can learn to self-regulate.
Slow down. Do you really have to do everything RIGHT NOW? Prioritize your to-do lists and figure out what needs to be done immediately and what can wait a little bit. Do one thing at a time. Multitasking, though it may seem efficient, can sometimes slow you down.
Exercise. Take more walks, do yoga, go surfing, jog. Do something that gets you into your body and allows your mind to rest.
Get enough sleep! 5 hours a night won’t cut it, folks. Your body and mind need time to recharge. Anything less than 6 and more than 8 hours of sleep increases inflammation in the body, which will increase your levels of stress, and decrease your ability to self-regulate.
Turn off your electronics and go outside!Vitamin Nature is a phenomenal way to get grounded and recharge.
Be silly. Laughter is magical. It really is. A good case of the giggles can be incredibly liberating.
Stay in the present moment.The more we can accept where we are and what we are dealing with, the better equipped we will be when it comes to managing our stress. My favorite quote from Ajahn Sumedo really illuminates present moment awareness: “Right now, it’s like this.”
When we are rigid around our issues, we resemble a stiff, inflexible tree with brittle branches that break with the least amount of pressure. But when we are grounded and our needs our met, those rigid branches become fluid and move with the rustle of the winds. We become simultaneously grounded and flexible. Stress is considered the “silent killer,” but it doesn’t have to be. We can actually restructure our brains by being kinder to our nervous systems with mindful practices of self-care.
As the Buddha said, “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
It’s hard not to get excited about Visions when you talk to Amanda Shumow. She is passionate, dedicated and inspired by the Visions’ staff, the clients, and the work as a whole. Amanda Shumow is the co-founder of Visions Adolescent Treatment Centers. She holds a Master’s Degree in psychology, a CDAAC, and she is currently working toward her Doctorate in Psychology (PsyD). Her dedication to furthering her own education is matched with her encouragement of others to do the same. Everything Amanda does is in the best interest of helping teens.
Amanda initially worked with adults in treatment at Promises, but she quickly realized she wanted to direct her energies toward working with kids. It became clear to her that what she had to offer adults was much different than what she could offer kids. Amanda said, “When I was a teen, if someone had asked me ‘Do you have a problem with drugs,’ I would have said, ‘yes.’ I wish there was something like Visions when I was young.” It was this realization and awareness that drew her to work with teens and start building Visions Adolescent Treatment Centers with her husband, Chris Shumow.
She is the mother of four amazing children, wife to Chris Shumow, and deeply involved with all aspects of what makes Visions tick. When I asked Amanda about the Visions culture, she said, “We are humble about a lot of things we do, but we are not humble about the staff. We have the best team. The Visions culture is like nothing else. If people love what they do, they do whatever it takes to make things work. Everyone here has deep dedication.”
When I interviewed Amanda for this piece, the conversation we had was rich with passion and love for what everyone on this team does. She said, “We provide a high level of mental health care: for example, we’ve recently integrated DBT training for all staff. Don’t underestimate someone’s magic.” She’s right. Yes, we encourage fun, and revel in team building activities, but we are deeply serious about the level of care we provide our clients. We understand the need for jocularity, because nothing opens the heart like a healthy belly laugh, but our foundation is built on recognizing the intrinsic value and need for deep work.
I asked Amanda to name some of the things she really loves about the Visions culture and the team she’s help build. She said, “Having things like Glamping – that’s bonding. I have found a place where people fall in love with the work they do. It’s also where the ‘least likely to succeed’ come back to work, and that’s inspiring!” She shared this quote from a client, and frankly, I think it sums up the magic that Visions holds, “This is the first group of people who loved me because they want to, not because they have to.” Amanda, you are the matriarch of a magnificent program, providing a gift of hope, healing, and love.
Read on for some quotes for the staff.
“It’s hard to be in a bad mood around Amanda. Her energy is contagious in every way. She’s one of the most inspiring people I’ve ever met, I can only hope to a little bit like her. She’s taught me so much about working in this industry and more importantly how to maintain a sense of humor and not lose yourself. She’s our fearless leader and we wouldn’t change it for anything!” – Ashley Harris
“There are so many great things to say about Amanda but I guess to keep it short and sweet and not go on and on and on I would have to go with this…. From what I have been blessed to experience with Amanda is that she is a very kind and generous soul. Always willing to help out and do what she can for others even with a full plate of her own. She is truly the best boss I have had the pleasure of working for. She’s always there to support all the staff in crises mode or silly mode. She keeps the work environment safe but most importantly fun!! She is an inspiration and a role model.” Jennifer Garrett
“Amanda is a rockstar!! She has such a wonderful personality that draws you in. She knows how to talk to the residents in a relaxed manner while still holding boundaries and keeping them in line. She has been a wonderful and understanding employer and to me that is so important!! How she balances running Visions and raising her 4 children I will never know.” Amy Lawhorn
“I think Amanda’s greatest gift to Visions families and staff is her realness. She has the unique ability to turn a serious work related question into a “your mom” joke, and it never gets old.” Patrick Schettler
“I love this woman for so many different reasons. She is a genius to start. Her brilliant ideas start out as giant dreams that come true because of who she is a human being. Amanda’s core beliefs in hard work, family and fun are just a few building blocks she has implemented into Visions’ moral code. As a woman who gets to work for a spectacular woman I am grateful for her leadership inside and outside the office. Her passion for impromptu dance parties reminds me of the meaning of life. Amanda is all business with a gigantic heart that will never grow up!” Christina Howard
Amanda may be the most intelligent person I know. Being around her quick wit, incredible memory, sincerity, fun and compassion makes everyone want to be the best they can. A constant reminder that there are authentic, good people in the world. – Mie Kaneda
It has been my pleasure to have worked with Amanda for almost twelve years. She is always an abundance of energy and highly unpredictable but consistently keeps the best interest of our kids in mind. – Bill Hoban
1: Roller skates or blades?
Skates!
2: In three words, describe your passion for kids:
Love, laughter, hope
3: If you were in the circus, what would your specialty be?
Napping
4: Favorite song…ever.
Could not even begin to list them, I have one for every genre in every decade…seriously.
5: What do you do for self-care?
Watch really, really bad reality TV and go to Vegas as much as possible.
6: What is your greatest accomplishment thus far?
My family and my relationship with my husband.
7: What makes your heart sing?
My kids, slot machines.
8: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?
Nelson Mandela
9: What makes you laugh?
My kids, and everyone at work. I have a pretty adolescent sense of humor and so does everyone we work with, so it gets loud and crazy sometimes.
10: How does Visions Inspire you?
Everyday in every way. From kids to staff, we have daily moments that connect us and drive me to do better and do more. Almost every decision we (I) have made in the past 11 years has been inspired by Visions!
Do you engage in people pleasing behaviors? Many people do, and they suffer as a result. They have more stress, lower self-esteem, and less time for self-care and healing. Recovery is a breeding ground for people pleasing behaviors. The old tapes that tell you that you are not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, wise enough, pretty enough, or fill-in-the-blank begin to kick in, and people pleasing behaviors feed into it. Those tapes fuel your emotional demise.
Are you concerned that you won’t be liked if you disagree?
People pleasing behavior leads to a persistent need to keep the seas calm. People pleasers subconsciously want to be perceived as positive, generous, willing, and available. Agreeing with everyone around them doesn’t rock the boat. It also doesn’t honor one’s own perspective. This will lead to resentment, which leaves one sitting with silent rage and frustration. Internally disagreeing breeds resentment and ekes out as passive aggression: sarcasm, rude comments, or pleasantries with a side of salt.
The remedy? Use your voice! Speak up so you can be heard. As you find your voice, you will discover that more often than not, people will respect you for it. When our actions are determined by a false perception of the outcome, we create an environment of low self-esteem and resentment. Both are dangerous states in recovery. In other words, don’t please others at the expense of your well-being.
Do you rely on outside validation in order to make a decision?
If you find yourself saying yes because it will make you look “cool” to someone else, or “no” for the same reason, you are again creating grounds for low self-esteem, frustration, and resentment. What others say or think about you doesn’t matter; how you feel about you is most important. Finding ways to honor yourself and your authenticity is going to be your biggest asset.
Boundaries? What boundaries?!
The desire to be liked often trumps the desire to be heard. Not having boundaries also puts you in a place to be taken advantage of. If your go-t0 answer is always “yes,” then you are setting yourself up to be overwhelmed. Do you often find yourself overcommitted? This creates stress, which can lead to other health problems like depression, heart trouble, high blood pressure, and headaches. The way to combat this is to slowly start setting some boundaries. Practice saying “No.” Practice taking care of YOUR needs before taking care of the needs of others. You are important!
Is “I’m sorry” your go-to response?
Someone bumps into you, but you say, “I’m sorry.” You trip over a crack in the ground, and you say, “I’m sorry.” This is a common phrase found amongst those who are prone to people pleasing and it stems from a couple of things: Low self-esteem, a desire to please others, and a disregard for oneself. I used to be guilty of overusing this phrase, and have since stopped. First I noticed when I would say it. Then I began to stop myself before I said it. And now, if it slips out, I audibly correct myself. “Actually, I am not sorry that you ran into me!” Creating firm boundaries does a couple of things: it is a way of protecting ourselves, it is a form of respect for others, and ourselves, and it is a form of self-care. Being human is messy; we don’t have to live our lives apologizing for it. A well-placed “excuse me” is sufficient.
Is someone else’s welfare always more important than your own?
Sacrificing yourself at the cost of helping someone else is par for the course for most folks who people please. Pushing yourself to the point of too much stress compromises your nervous system and makes you feel overwhelmed, tired, depressed, and frustrated. Remember the analogy you are given on flights:
In case of an emergency, give yourself oxygen first, and THEN help those around you. We are no good to anyone when we are depleted.
We all have had our share of bad luck, but for some of us, we need to really take a look at whether or not this is bad luck at all or if our drinking and using is getting in the way.
Let’s break it down:
1. You seem to have a lot of bad luck involving the law.
You are chronically pulled over for traffic infractions or for looking suspicious; your parking tickets are piling up in your glove box, or every time you walk into a store, you are shadowed by security. Police officers always have it out for you, right? No. Typically speaking, our questionable actions draw negative attention. As we come into recovery and start looking at these actions of ours, we will often find that the “bad luck” around the law dissipates. When we start doing the recovery work set out for us by our sponsors, mentors, counselors, and therapists, our outlook changes and so does our luck!
2. Relationships never work out.
You fight with your parents, your teachers, your friends and it starts to feel like no one likes you. Sound familiar? Everyone around you is annoying, or maybe they “just don’t understand.” When we are in our disease, we are prone to pushing those who are close to us away. Resistance to change or hearing the truth prevents us from having solid relationships. I have worked with women whose go-to is to do everything in their power to push me away: yelling, defiance, and insults. As a sponsor/mentor, I have learned to maintain strong boundaries while remaining unwavering in my support. Often times, the desire is to push people away because letting them get too close is terrifying. Fear of abandonment or of commitment is a powerful tool of resistance. There is a fear of vulnerability, but vulnerability is what allows us to work through that fear. This is a good place to take contrary action.
3. There is always something that causes you to be late or not show up at all.
There was traffic or you woke up late or “something came up.” There is ALWAYS something that prevents you from being on time, or you change plans at the last minute, or you simply don’t show up at all. A lot of the times, this self-sabotaging behavior is precluded by a fear of commitment or a desire to go where you think the “party” will be (again, fear of commitment). Have you ever accumulated a series of “maybes” so you could see which invite was the most fun? Making a commitment and being responsible sometimes means missing out on something that is interesting to you. In recovery, we learn to do what we say we will do, even when something better comes along. Taking a commitment at a meeting teaches this really well!
4. You have a hard time keeping a job, or maintaining commitments at school.
You got fired again? Glee club has had it and finally kicked you out? Coach has benched you for the rest of the season this time? Time to look at your actions to see where you are falling short. The truth is people aren’t out to get you; self-sabotage is the culprit here. We have to begin the process of looking within in order to figure out what drives our negative actions. Addiction and untreated mental health is often times fodder for the persistent sense of ill-will and inconsistency.
5. Your teachers seem to be out to get you, conversely, so do your parents.
No one is really out to get you. Addiction likes to pin us in victim mode, telling us time and time again, “the world is out to get us,” “if only people understood me,” et cetera, et cetera. Take your power back and get to work so you can take responsibility for your actions! The 12 steps, a meditation practice, yoga, therapy, being of service: all of these things teach you to identify the truth within, no matter how uncomfortable that may be. Your parents and teachers have your best interests in mind, eventually you will too.
6. Car trouble is your middle name.
Does this sound familiar: It’s always breaking down, or you never have gas, or the tire is flat, or there’s a boot on it because you forgot to pay all of your parking tickets (see #1). When we stop taking responsibility for our actions, and rely on fate or magical thinking to make things better, things inevitably get worse. We can’t think our way out of difficulties; we have to take the appropriate actions to climb out on our own. So, start paying the parking tickets when you get them (I still have trouble doing this!), fill up your tank when it’s half full, check your tires and service your car.
I’ve learned that the most difficult part of putting on your big-girl panties is…putting on your big-girl panties. The rest is pretty easy. You know what? Taking responsibility and doing the work actually feels good. So does dropping the weight of chronic having bad luck.
Something to ponder: When we do esteemable acts, we garner self-esteem; when we take responsibility for our actions, we lower our stress and garner respect from those around us; when we ask for help, we find solace in community. No one said recovery and change would be easy, but fear and resistance generate the difficulties you most often have. You can do this, one breath, one step, one positive act at a time.
“Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.” Rumi
Forgiveness: It’s something we seek and it’s something we can give others. In recovery, forgiveness is imperative for the healing process to really thrive. In the 12-step process, we do inventories to uncover and discover the grievances we may have with others, and more importantly, with ourselves. But for many of us, this idea of forgiveness, compassion, and kindness are foreign to us. In fact, in some circles, being compassionate and forgiving someone’s foibles is considered a weakness.
First, we must start with forgiving ourselves. The truth is, this is easier said than done. We are stuck with internal tapes on a loupe, reminding us of our insignificance and shame. We are inundated with fractured family systems that influence our self-esteem and self-worth. We are touched by the shame and sometimes self-righteous justification of our reactions. To begin this process of forgiveness and self-compassion takes a willingness to take contrary action and go into the emotional places of discomfort. Learning to love ourselves and be kind to ourselves is hard work. But it’s work well worth doing.
When I was younger, my anger fueled me. In some ways, it was also the thing that protected me. However, when I came to recovery, I was deeply affected by tragedy and trauma. At the same time, my dysfunctional family system projected blame and shame onto me, leaving me bereft of any ability to be kind to myself. When I began to do the inner work required to redefine my paradigm, I was frozen by fear. This wasn’t delicate work; it was an archeological excavation. But I soon realized that if I was to truly be of service and help others, I had to help myself first. If we are an empty well, we ultimately have nothing to give others.
The contemplative practices of yoga and meditation resonate with me, particularly in relation to my recovery. These are the practices that have ultimately shown me the way to being of service, being kind, and having an open heart. There are a series of meditations called the Brahma Viharas. They are the heart practices, typically referred to as metta practice. They are: lovingkindness, forgiveness, and compassion. In each of these, you focus your energy on phrases that nurture a sense of lovingkindness, forgiveness, and compassion to yourself, someone you love, a benefactor, a difficult person, and then all beings. Often times, it is suggested to focus primarily on yourself in the beginning, sometimes even for the first year of your meditation practice. Cultivating compassion, forgiveness, and love for yourself is, in and of itself, the act of filling your well.
Yoga provides another opportunity: the chance to get back into your body through breath and movement. We can begin to forgive our inflexibility with patience; we can begin to forgive our hyper-flexibility by developing stability. Both meditation and yoga are opportunities to reconnect with ourselves, and ultimately finding refuge within. One breath, one kind act of self care at a time.
I am reminded of the phrase, “My Friend, the Enemy.” Within it, compassion and forgiveness come together. When we develop compassion, we begin to develop the space to forgive those who have harmed us, those we resent, or those who continue to suffer. It doesn’t mean that we justify harms done; it means we get to put down the hot coal of anger we’ve been carrying around so our hearts can heal.
