Bill Hoban has been our infallible Clinical Director for the last 12 years. His expertise and dedication helped make Visions the program it is today. It has been an honor working with him in that capacity. Recently, Bill has stepped down from his role as Clinical Director; he has passed the torch to the inimitable Fiona Ray as she steps into her new role as Clinical Director.
Fiona’s had an inspired vision for our clinical growth. Her fierce determination to execute positive change and create a solid team in our Outpatient facilities has been remarkable and we are excited to have her take on this role and do the same for our residential team. In her role as Director of Outpatient Services, Fiona created an environment replete with a dedicated staff willing to stand on the front lines alongside her to ensure that clients get the best care available. Fiona is not afraid of change, nor is she afraid to make the tough decisions sometimes necessary in treatment; she does it with compassion and wise intention. She is keen on creating an environment that is supportive and respectful for her staff to flourish and be the team they are meant to be.
We are thrilled to support Fiona Ray in new her position as Clinical Director. She is a well-respected fixture in the recovery community, recognized for her tenacity, dedication, and quiet, but fierce presence. Fiona has this ability to approach difficulty in a calm, collected way while making a family feel secure, supported and cared for. She has been instrumental in building out our Extended Care program, Launch, and the DBT training for the staff. Fiona’s desire to create an environment that is healing and empowering for clients and co-workers is astounding. Her drive to make Visions the best adolescent treatment is something to behold. Fiona is one of a kind and we consider ourselves deeply fortunate to have her in our midst.
When someone suffers from mental illness, there is a deprivation of the joy and emotional wealth that’s present when there is ideal mental health. Mental illness can drain our joie de vivre, and make for a muddy emotional existence. Relationships with loved ones tend to be difficult, and there tends to be a propensity for loneliness and isolation. Worse yet, when mental illness is left untreated, the toll it can take on the one suffering and their loved ones can be taxing and sometimes devastating.
Some types of mental illness are more straightforward in their treatment: anxiety and depression, for example, are often treated with various modalities of psychotherapy and balanced with medication. Personality disorders are complex and there are some instances where the patient doesn’t recognize their illness despite their deep suffering. The work involved in treating all mental illness requires a nexus of therapeutic support and a desire for positive change from the patient themselves. The question many have is, Why are personality disorders so challenging?
Personality disorders are grouped into three clusters:
Cluster A personality disordersare “characterized by odd, eccentric thinking or behavior.” The disorders that fall into this category are: paranoid personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder and schizotypal personality disorder
Cluster B personality disorders are “characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior.” The disorders that fall into this category are: antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
Cluster C personality disordersare “characterized by anxious, fearful thinking or behavior.” The disorders that fall into this category are: avoidant personality disorder, dependent personality disorder and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.
Psychotherapy is the most common treatment for all types of mental illness; the most efficacious modality is determined by the needs of the client. Findings show that DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) in particular is the most effective therapeutic treatment for personality disorders and bipolar disorders. Other effective tools used in treatment may include:
Individual psychotherapy
MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction)
Yoga
Meditation
Somatic Experiencing
Neurofeedback
To date, the FDA hasn’t approved of any medications to treat personality disorders. However, medications are often used to treat symptoms that are detrimental to the individual’s recovery. Medications like:
Antidepressents: for depressed mood, anger, irritability, mood swings, impulsivity and hopelessness.
Mood stabilizers: to even out mood swings, and to reduce impulsivity, irritability and aggression.
Antipsychotic medications (also known as neuroleptics): if symptoms include losing touch with reality (psychosis), and sometimes anxiety and difficulty with anger
Anti-anxiety medications: For anxiety, agitation or insomnia. Note, in some cases, they may increase impulsive behavior and are avoided with some personality disorders.
Treating mental illness requires the cultivation of balance. Participation from the client, a cohesive treatment team, and the correct combination of medication can create the desired environment of mental health. It takes work, dedication, and a willingness to unveil one’s difficulties in order to create a healthy shift toward mental health. I have experienced the shadow side of untreated mental illness with family members who are unwilling to get help. It does, in fact, take a toll on everyone involved. I have learned that one of the key pieces for my own recovery is developing clear communication skills, creating firm, compassionate boundaries, and building consistent program of self-care. Families struggling with mental illness need to ensure that their own wells are filled, that they are getting their own needs met, and that they have a community of support around them.
Mollie Mylar, BS, Director of Professional Relations, is one of the most engaging ladies I know. She is a bright spot on the marketing team, always lighting up a room when she walks in and is capable of making anyone feel at ease. She has a light in her heart, joy in her eyes, and a wicked sense of humor. She is truly humble and kind, and both of these qualities make Mollie a true gem. Mollie lives in Utah with her family, but she travels all over the United States to engage and educate people about seamless transitions in treatment. Frankly, I lament the fact that we don’t see more of her, but I am extraordinarily grateful and humbled by the work she does; she is an invaluable player on the Visions team. Quite honestly, the world needs more Mollies.
Read on for some staff accolades about this lovely lady:
Mollie is absolutely one of the most upbeat and positive souls you will encounter in this world; her energy is contagious. The minute she walks into a room, or you hear her voice on the phone, you cannot help but smile. Anytime I get a chance to speak with her or see her is a pleasure and a joy. – Jenny Werber
I wish Mollie were around all the time! — Jesse Engdahl
I like Molly. In fact, how can you not like Molly? She is a business woman doing business in a way that doesn’t feel like business. She is a Mom. She is personable, humble, creative and hard working. Molly is one of the people in life that I look forward to seeing. She makes the room lighter and brighter when she walks through the door. Good egg = Molly. And, I never use that term. In fact, I may call her and tell her she’s a good egg just so we can laugh. – Angela Carrillo
Mollie is spunky, full of life and has the ability to light up any room she walks into within seconds! She has an uncanny talent for just meeting someone and making them feel like they have been friends with her for years. – Ashley Shortridge
It is a pleasure to work side-by-side with Molly. Molly always finds the bright spot in the darkest situations. Molly fights for the best interest of the families and kids she works with. – John Lieberman
Mollie defines being authentic with every cell of her being. This is how I see her: Trustworthy, Tenacious, Persistent, Tall, Adventurous, Silly, Open, Hilarious, Loving and Kind. Mollie oozes with love for her son and husband. She is a woman I look up to. Her balance of being mom, wife and business woman is always transparent and remarkable to be in the presence of. I am grateful to know Mollie Mylar. – Christina Howard
Read on for Mollie’s answers to our 10 questions:
1: What inspires you to work in education?
Being able to watch families and students heal and reach their potential. I do not like to see people suffer.
2: You live in Utah but you work all over the country, what do you do to stay connected with your loved ones?
Call and face time.
3: Would you rather be able to fly or read people’s minds?
Definitely read people’s minds.
4. Would you rather speak in public or work at the Los Angeles Waste pumping station for one week?
Work at Los Angeles Waste pumping station for one week. I would do just about anything to avoid public speaking…
5: What is your favorite season and why?
Fall, love seeing the leaves change, temperatures drop and most of all SWEATSHIRT weather!!!
6: What is your Starbucks order?
Grande Soy Latte.
7: If you could have been told one thing that you weren’t told when you were a teenager, what would you like to have heard?
I had an amazing mother, that I miss everyday, and I feel like she prepared me well for life!!
8: Funniest Visions memory?
Wearing a Christmas sweater to my first company Christmas party, (I hate Christmas sweaters) when nobody else was wearing anything having to do with Christmas…awkward.
9: What do you keep in the trunk of your car?
My own grocery bags.
10: Why do you choose to work for Visions?
I love the team and what we provide for our students and families.
Koreema Walden is an MA, MFTi, CATC IV and has been part of the Visions treatment team since 2013. She is an active member of the treatment community and served as a therapist in the drug rehabilitation/homeless program at the Veteran’s Administration prior to coming to Visions. Additionally, Koreema is an education advisor at her alma mater, Antioch University. She runs groups and Visions and also sees clients individually using her honest and compassionate approach.
Koreema is seriously funny. She brings a sense of adventure, honesty, and joy into her work. She is relatable and compassionate toward the adolescents she works with and she is a wonderful addition to the outpatient team. Koreema she fits right in at Visions. She is a pleasure to work with and is someone who is respectable and forthright in her work. Koreema is a hard one NOT to adore.
The staff thinks highly of Koreema; check out what they had to say:
Koreema continuously has a high level of positive energy, and is fantastic at motivating just about anyone! – Ashley Shortridge
In the time I’ve know Koreema, I have felt nothing but love and support from her. She has an amazing energetic spirit that everyone can pull from and always brings strong, honest advice to the table. It has been a pleasure working alongside such an amazing person. – Nick Riefner
Koreema, our baby of the bunch. She has been a wonderful asset to our outpatient team. Koreema’s strengths lie not only in her ability to assimilate into a new, fast-paced environment but also a keen sense of how to connect with an adolescent milieu. We are lucky to have her and look forward to her continued growth at Visions. – Fiona Ray
Of course we asked Koreema 10 questions. Read on!
1: What did you want to be when you grew up? Did you come close?
There wasn’t a job that I wanted, but I had role models. My maternal grandmother was a business owner and a fierce one! She had her real-estate license and was trained to do income taxes. She owned a clothing store, was raising some of her daughter’s children and was fiercely independent. She was also kind and supportive (financially and emotionally) of others. I think I wanted to be like her: a woman who was independent, self reliant, self-assured, strong, and brave. I thought that’s what women did and how they were. Have I come close? I think I’ve learned over time that there was no reason for me to do everything on my own.
2: What are you most proud of?
I was the first person in my family to graduate with a BA and a Masters Degree. My mom drilled in my head that the way to a better life was through education. She always told me education would be bring me freedom and would be something that nobody could take from me. This is something a lot of women still don’t have in this day and age: The opportunity to attend school and be free.
3: Cats or dogs?
Neither. I’m not a pet person at all. I have a child and changing his diaper was bad enough!
4. Would you rather watch Sherlock or Doctor Who?
Who is Doctor Who anyway? Honestly, neither. Now if you ask me about music, I’m so in. Music cleanses my soul, my mind, and my heart and it tells me a story.
5: What is the best part of being a parent? The most challenging?
Best part of being a parent is seeing my son’s brain and his mind take off. Every day, something that is old to me is taken as new to him: Words, places, books, history, people, etc. I find such delight in seeing him experience the world. What is most challenging is that every day isn’t awesome; some days are better than others and some days we disagree on things. I have to remember he has a mind of his own, I can’t control it or him 24 hours a day.
6: Are you a morning person or a night owl?
Both!! I get up around 6:30/7am, or I can stay awake till 12/1am.
7: What Muppet are you?
I’m a mixture of Scooter (he was behind the scenes conducting everything) and Animal (he was loud, crazy, out of control needs to be tamed). Good thing I’ve gotten a little older.
8: What makes you laugh?
Friends, Family and Comedy movies. I love to laugh.
9: If you could go back in time for a day, what and where would you go?
I would be a little girl at my grandmother’s house running around on her property and hanging out with no cares or worries in the world!
10: Why do you choose to work for Visions?
Because I like Visions’ philosophy and the work that we do. Working with teens is not easy (I was one). I get to come to work and be inspired, learn from fresh eyes, and be a part of an amazing integral hardworking team. I feel that Visions and its team work extremely hard at what they do. It’s enjoyable because everyone is supportive of one another and we work as a team.
Suicide is a major, yet preventable mental health problem. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, “In 2007, suicide was the thirst leading cause of death for young people ages 15-24. Suicide accounted for 4140 deaths (12%) of the total 34,598 suicide deaths in 2007. ”
Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15- to 24-year-old Americans. (CDC)
There are four male suicides for every female suicide. (CDC, AAS)
There are three female suicide attempts for each male attempt. (CDC, AAS)
Though these numbers seem daunting, they are not a complete reflection on the youth of today or the way they manage or respond to stress or difficulty. These numbers do, however, indicate a significant problem that we need to be aware of so that we can act accordingly to prevent it.
Suicidal behavior is never a normal response to stress.
Some of the risk factors for suicide include:
Depression or other mental disorders
Substance abuse (often in combination with mental illness)
Family history of suicide
Prior suicide attempt
History of physical or sexual abuse within the family system
Firearms in the home
Incarceration
Exposure to suicidal behavior of others
Other things to watch for in yourself or your loved ones include:
Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness, depressed mood, excessive guilt, low self-esteem
A loss of interest in family or social activities
Changes in eating and sleeping patterns (too much or too little)
Persistent anger, rage, need for revenge
Trouble concentrating
Problems at school: socially and academically
Feeling listless or irritable
Regular or frequent crying
Not taking care of yourself (not bathing regularly, etc)
Reckless and/or impulsive behaviors
Frequent headaches, stomachaches
Warning signs that someone may be thinking of committing suicide:
Always talking about or thinking about death
Feelings of hopelessness
Clinical depression — deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating — that seems to get worse
Loss of interest in things you or your loved one once cared about
Comments about being worthless, hopeless, helpless
Putting affairs in order, like changing or creating a will all of a sudden, or seeming to “tie up lose ends”
Comments like, “It would be better if I wasn’t here,” or “I want out.”
A sudden, and unexpected shift from deep sadness to being calm and happy.
Talking about suicide
Saying their goodbyes
It’s not uncommon for someone who is suicidal to have attempted suicide before. Recognizing some of these warning signs is the first step to helping someone you love or helping yourself. Asking for help is a sign of great courage and strength. It shows deep character and a fierce sense of survival. It is in the act of reaching our hands out that we open ourselves up to attaining help.
Recovery can mean a lot of things to a lot of people, but what it means when you are talking about recovery from addiction and mental illness is complete abstinence. You can’t dabble here and there. An alcoholic can’t smoke weed, and a pothead can’t drink; a heroin addict can’t have a drink now and again and an anorexic or bulimic can’t go on juice cleanses every so often. They just can’t. It’s not wise action or safe behavior. It’s also not indicative of abstinence.
Being sober and in recovery means:
You don’t drink or use drugs. Period.
You eat mindfully and healthfully if you are recovering from an eating disorder.
You have a recovery program that you are a part of and that you continue to participate in: 12-step, Refuge Recovery, Al-Anon, et cetera.
You are of service to others.
You are seeking mental health care if you need it.
You are getting help from someone who has been doing this longer than you have and are on a recovery path that you admire.
You learn to ask for help and accept help when it is offered.
Your relationships are stable or are becoming more and more stable as your recovery time increases.
If you are required to take medication, you do so under the care of a physician who is aware of your addiction history. You can’t go rogue here.
Recovery is one of those things where there really is no grey area. You’re either in…or you’re out. When we come across someone on the slippery slope of relapse or in the full swing of addiction, what we may find is a chorus of denial and accusations of judgment. An addict certainly doesn’t want to hear that they are slipping down the rabbit hole.
The delusion of addiction tells them that they are just fine.
What can we as family members and loved ones do?
We have to maintain strong boundaries. If we are in recovery ourselves, it’s a good time to reaffirm our own programs, and ensure we are staying grounded and that our needs our met. Remember that in order to help others, it’s important that we help ourselves first.
We may need to reach out to therapists and arrange an intervention for our loved one, or we may need to make that phone call to a treatment facility to get our son or daughter into treatment.
No matter what the next step is, we must make sure we do it with firm boundaries, compassion, and love in our hearts.
The suffering involved in untreated addiction and mental illness is great. Dysregulation is common, along with anger, resentment, and a feeling of isolation. Family systems often start to show signs of wear, if they weren’t already. Addiction doesn’t magically appear! It’s important that the family is ready and willing to begin the work of recovery as well and come to accept that it’s not just the addict in the “hot seat” of recovery.
Twelve years ago, Chris Shumow set out to create a treatment culture that cared deeply for both staff and clients. The Visions Family is lead with Chris as Dad. Day to day, he is dedicated to making sure Visions is providing treatment at its fullest potential.
Chris constantly pushes for what’s best for the kids and their families. He is still on the frontlines after all these years taking intake calls and welcoming families on campus in their deepest times of struggle. Chris is dedicated to working hand in hand with his clinical team, always pushing his team to think outside the box.
Shumow maintains a strong focus to keep Visions as a strong company, but he never forgets to care for each staff member as an individual. It is clear to all who surround him that Chris’ top priority in life is to be the best father to his herd of 4 children. Chris often reminds all of us, “In order to provide the best treatment for teens and families, we must first take great care of our staff.” This is evidenced in Chris’ every action.
The staff echoes this sentiment. Please read on!
Chris may be one of the most passionate and committed individuals for helping teens and families. Chris skillfully handles challenging situations with a gentle approach and determination to provide the best service to each family. I cannot think of a better person to have in my corner. – John Lieberman
He scared me in my interview 8 years ago. I’m pretty sure he only took a chance on me because I mentioned something about surfing to which he replied, “Surfers are good people.” Chris is truly that…a good person. I am forever in gratitude for the opportunities he has trusted me with. I still have a lot to learn from him. – Christina Howard
I can’t imagine a cooler boss. He’s just ridiculously kind, humble, down to earth, and hilarious. Understanding, generous, smart, the list goes on and on. – Jesse Engdahl
I met Chris Shumow some 12 years ago and took a chance with him on a company called Visions. He took a chance on me and I am still here. So, after 12 years I am still thrilled to come to work and I owe an infinite debt of gratitude to Chris (and of course his wife Amanda). Now we are both a bit older and much grayer, but all the more wiser and prosperous. – Daniel Dewey
He has always been a caring, interested and thoughtful boss. I feel fortunate. – Noelle Rodriguez
You can always count on Chris to tell it like it is, he’s such a great, loyal, humble man. — Roxie Fuller
I have learned so much from Chris about the work we do, but nothing resonates more than his insistence on always staying focused on the solution. The culture we have at Visions starts with him, this whole thing was his idea after all. – Patrick Schettler
It has been clear to me from day one that Chris cares about his “kids” more than anything else. I remember sitting in an office with him and tearing up about one of the clients who had gone off to college. “This is why we do this,” he said. His commitment to the health and well-being of the clients is why I’m still here after 9 years. – Joseph Rogers
I have worked with Chris for twelve years and he always operates with the best interests of our kids and parents in mind. – Bill Hoban
Fair, trustworthy, hardworking, loyal, and consistent are just a few words to describe Chris in the workplace. Who knew when we started 12 years ago with 6 beds and about as many staff that our “vision” would come to life the way it has? Chris has been on call for 12 of those years answering thousands of calls from desperate families 24 hours a day. He has become such an amazing leader and really has grown from the “operations guy” to the true CEO he is. (Although we hate titles!) He is well respected in the field of addictions and mental health. He is my partner in every way and I am so proud of his hard work. – Amanda Shumow
Conflict comes up frequently in the adolescent years,
almost as though drama and discord are part of the growing-up process. But how our kids learn to deal with conflict is often a result of watching the way the adults around them deal with it. Parents, teachers, mentors, influential adults: all are their mirrors.
Where conflict becomes problematic is in the unskillful ways in which it’s managed. Teens need to develop self-regulation skills so they can A: recognize what has triggered their anger, and B: respond to it skillfully.
Try any of these 5 suggestions to help manage conflict:
1: Take a time out: In other words, walk away from the conflict fueled situation to collect your thoughts and calm down. You can take a walk or take some deep breaths.
2: Use “I” phrases when you communicate. “I feel” instead of “You’re being so lame” is a wiser method of communication. It shows the ability to take responsibility for one’s feelings and actions and eliminates the blame and shame game.
3: Mirroring: By mirroring, we “reflect” what the other person says. “I hear that you feel frustrated” is much more helpful than “You are so frustrating,” or “Why are you so ANGRY?” By mirroring, we recognize what the other person is saying, and as a result, we let them know that we “see” and “hear” them. When someone feels seen and heard, it validates their feelings and allows them to be present for someone else’s process. It’s powerful.
4: Own up to it. Take responsibility for your own actions without pointing fingers at the person you’re angry at. If you lied, own it. If you cheated, own it. If you were mean, own it. You will be more respected and revered if you are honest. In the language of the 12 steps: Keep your side of the street clean.
5: Respect. If you are respectful of others, they are more apt to be respectful toward you. If someone treats you disrespectfully, try the counterintutive practice of being respectful toward them anyway.
Remember this: adolescents aren’t born equipped with problem solving skills or tools for conflict resolution. They have to learn these things. They learn them from watching their parents, teachers, and mentors. If a teen’s adult representatives are poor communicators, or if they handle frustration with anger or discord, then teens will learn to communicate via anger and discord.
Parents, when conflicts within the family arise, how do you handle them? Do you yell? Do you slam doors? Do you get into a shouting match with your teen?
If negative reactions to conflict are your go-to, then conflict will continue to flourish. Yelling won’t solve any problems. It will create more problems. Here’s a common scenario: your teenager arrives home 15 minutes past their curfew. You’re angry, frustrated, and worried. Your reaction to your teen when he or she walks in is to start yelling at them. All of your fears and frustrations come to a head. What if, instead of yelling, you calmly asked, “What time is your curfew?” “What time is it now?” and finally, “Can you tell me what the punishment is for being late?” Several things happen in this scenario. Your teen is given an opportunity to take responsibility, and they can even begin to recognize that the punishment isn’t that egregious.
Parents and teens alike need to know how to self-regulate. Try to integrate some of these into your life:
Take a time out.
Count to 10 before you respond.
Be fair: allow both parties the opportunity to express their views and experiences.
Don’t take it personally.
Have empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and feel the feelings of another human being. It’s the ability to put yourself in someone’s shoes. Doing this may allow you to have compassion for the person you are angry at.
Resolving conflict requires a cool head and an open heart. Adolescence is a messy time—rather, it’s emotionally messy. Hormones are raging, moods are swinging, in truth, it’s a party you don’t want to go to but one that is a regular part of life. We were all teenagers once. If we can remember that piece, we can develop empathy. If we can remember what it felt like to go through this rapid-fire change, we will hopefully ourselves to be kinder and more loving to each other.
Addiction is an effect of human unhappiness and human suffering. When people are distressed, they want to soothe their distress; when people are in pain, they want to soothe their pain. So the real question is not “why the addiction,” but “why the pain.” Gabor Maté
This is a profound statement from Gabor Maté about addiction. In his work, Maté focuses on the link to childhood attachment and trauma as the source of addiction. Similarly, Terra Holbrook, MSW, LCSW, CADC, utilizes the lens of codependency to explore the ways in which deficits in early childhood development shape our thinking, feelings and behavior, which often leads to codependency traits and addiction. According to Terra, “Codependency is a child in an adult body.” She goes on to say that codependency “is the disease of immaturity; the developmental arrest that leads to immature thinking, feeling and behavior that generates aversive relationships with the self, which the codependent acts out through self destructive or unduly sacrificial behavior.” Thusly, it’s appropriate and necessary to view codependency as a facet of trauma work, because it addresses the adverse responses one may exhibit as a result of a deficit of early attachment, abuse, neglect, and physical and emotional abandonment. The underlying wounds and their effects on one’s worldview and personal expression of unaddressed traumas must be addressed as part of addiction treatment, and as a part of family treatment.
Alcohol and drug abuse as well as addiction are a response to a larger issue, and that’s where treatment comes in. That’s where skilled clinicians and systems of support become imperative to excavating the causative factors of addiction itself. A kid coming form a supportive, loving home where they are regularly seen and heard is less likely to use drugs and alcohol than a kid who comes from a home where they are neglected, ignored, pawned off, and unseen. If you add in the factors of poverty, then you add another layer of trauma as result of being forced to take often-detrimental measures to make ends meet and having multiple layers of unmet needs. Likewise, privilege can produce factors of emotional neglect and abuse not always recognized as problematic at the fore. For example, a kid can seem to have everything when you look from the outside, in, but inside, it may be a different landscape. Perhaps parents aren’t readily emotionally available or the child is left to their own devices while parents are busy doing other things. Neglect may have many faces but it always has the same result.
Addiction and codependency affect everyone. The way in which it presents in each individual may differ, but the essence is always the same: a “developmental arrest that leads to immature thinking, feeling and behavior” which leads to “self-destructive” behavior. Treatment and therapeutic support are a necessary factor that will foster healing and recovery. Doing it without support denies one the ability to break free from the habitual nature of repeating history and perpetuating dysfunction. Delving into the roots of addiction allows one to reconstruct their lives to create one that is healthy and thriving. Recovery is possible.
I’m pleased to share a guest post from one of our Alumni, bravely sharing about her experience as a bipolar teen in recovery. She is not only inspiring and courageous, her post is a testament to the clarity and hope willingness and recovery brings.
“I’m 17, Bipolar and in Recovery”
How old are you when you are in the 5th grade? Ten, maybe 11 years old? I was probably closer to 11 given that I was held back in preschool. Now, who exactly gets held back in preschool? I didn’t really pay it any mind when I was in preschool, yet I still struggle with the shame of having repeated a grade so early on in my education. I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable in the 3rd grade for having to be pulled out of class to learn to read in a private room with Mrs. A, the learning specialist teacher. Learning to read had come so easily to my older sister, C; it was not the same case for me.
So back to my original question: I was 11, and I had already been diagnosed with ADHD. By the time I was in the 8th grade, I was prescribed 100 mg of Adderall per day. Well, it turns out that I did have a mild case of ADHD, yet it also turns out that ADHD is commonly misdiagnosed and mistaken for bipolar Disorder. No one found out that I had a mood disorder until I came to Visions.
It is not uncommon for a person who is bipolar to not want to take their medication. The first time I went through Visions treatment I was diagnosed as having mood instability and not full-blown bipolar Disorder. This mood disorder accounts for a lot of the feelings I was having before and even after I came through Visions. Before I reached the point of needing inpatient care for the first time, which far preceded the time in which it took for me to ask for it, I had experienced quite a bit of depression. I have also dealt with my fair share of manic episodes.
For someone with a mood instability disorder, drugs of any kind will make for a much more painful and deep depression, a much more insane manic high, and will far from help the situation. This is not to say that abusing any kind of drugs or medication, illicit or otherwise, will help anyone. Yet, when your brain chemistry is already messed up and you continue to pile any kind of chemically enhanced drugs on top of that, it makes for a manic-depressive individual.
It is not uncommon for a person who is bipolar to not want to take their medication. The first time I left treatment, I wasn’t taking my medication as prescribed. I missed many days in a row, I took it at different times throughout the day, and I even flushed a whole handful of my pills down the toilet. This definitely didn’t help my condition. The combination of illicit drug use, consistently missing my meds, and a variety of other unpleasant behaviors can only lead to a few options. Those of us in recovery know what those options are.
Given that I had already been locked up in a psych ward at the age of 14, had not yet been to Juvi, and was still breathing, the last option would be recovery.
I haven’t discussed my recovery much because it is not only something I deal with on a daily basis, but it is also something that I am quite insecure about. As I have already shared, I have been through Visions Adolescent Treatment twice. I once had almost a year and a half of sobriety. I had gotten sober at 15, yet I prided myself on the time I had sober, and not the work I was doing. How could I? I wasn’t actually working a program.
I had struggled with the idea of sobriety the moment I found out what the other residents were using in my inpatient program. I had only been smoking weed, while the other residents were in treatment for much harder drugs. I knew that I deserved to be there; my story was pretty intense, yet I still felt insecure about my drug use.
That statement alone is what reminds me on a daily basis that I need to be sober. Only an addict-alcoholic would feel the need to go further and to use harder. I guess that wasn’t enough for me, because after about a year and four months of sobriety, I relapsed. This time, it did not take long for me to realize how utterly unmanageable my life was.
I did not need to prove to anyone else that it was a good idea for me to be sober, especially not my mother. That’s another good point: Only someone who is extremely sick and in their illness would put someone they love in that much pain. I guess I still had to prove it to myself.
Today, when I have a moment where I think of using, I think of my family. I say to myself, “Even if I’m not an addict, I couldn’t put them through what I used to.” I believe that the “issues” I deal with are not only related to one another, but they are also a gift: Not only is my recovery a gift, but I see my bipolar disorder as a gift as well. I feel lucky to have the ability to feel things as intensely as I do. I hope that this will be that last time I am getting sober. I will take one day at a time in keeping it that way.
