Category: Recovery

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Feelings Recovery Self-Care Therapy Treatment

Working With Our Addiction to Anger

Angry Talk (Comic Style) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Can you be addicted to anger? Does the adrenaline rush of being angry dictate your response to the world? Better yet, are you even aware this is happening? Or have you become so used to the rage response, it’s become part of your normative behavior.

We know anger is a natural occurrence, but for some, it becomes so deeply problematic, it devolves into an addiction. When we become our anger (or any emotion, for that matter), we disable our ability to communicate. In those moments when we are lost in the rage and its resulting dissension, our hearts are frozen; our eyes are blinded; our tongues are tied. No good can come from this.  But what can we do? How can we change this innately negative response to our frustration?

Anger management courses and other therapeutic modalities teach and use various methods in which one can learn to recognize the emotional and physical response to anger and rage. By first recognizing what is happening, one is allowed to begin to shift their response. First, we must familiarize ourselves with the addictive anger cycle itself:

1: You find yourself becoming uncomfortable or you aren’t getting something you want or think you need. You may be subconsciously or consciously reminded of feelings from long ago (childhood, for example), which are bringing untouched emotions to the surface.

2: You feel like no one understands you:  “No one gets it. They just don’t get it.” “I’m all alone.” “Whatever. I’m fine.” “No one listens to me.”

3: The frustration is building internally, but talking about it isn’t an option because you always deal with your anger and frustration alone. In fact, talking about it with others feels too difficult.

4: Stress begins to builds until you blow up. Someone or something is usually caught in the crossfire and they get hurt, either emotionally or physically. There is the part of you that doesn’t want this, but you have lost control. The guilt and shame begin to build.

5: You feel better after the explosion, perhaps even a bit relieved, until you look around and see the wreckage of your presence.

6: Now the guilt and shame really sets in. You find yourself ardently apologizing and promising not to repeat the behavior. Unfortunately, those on the receiving end may not accept your apology. What? Once again, “No one listens to me” becomes the inner mantra.

7: You internally justify your anger; it was really their fault anyway, right? (Wrong!)

8: You feel no better than before the explosion. In fact, the discomfort and frustration are still there, gnawing at you from the inside.

 

Processing anger like this is similar to releasing pressure from a pressure cooker while leaving it on the heat. Sure, some of the steam is released, but there is still steam building within. This technique is tantamount to placing a Band-Aid on a gaping wound. It’s just not large enough, or effective enough to alleviate the problem. This circular pattern of frustration à anger à explosion à remorse is ultimately a dead end. What is really needed is a salve for the anger: a calming, healthy way in which to release the pressure.

 

1: Learn to understand and take care of your needs: Holding your emotions in cannot be an option.

2: Find a good therapist who can help teach you how to touch upon the things that trigger your anger and help you devise a healthier way to allow it to dissipate.

3:  Learn ways to let go of your anger which are healthy and non-harmful. Rather than beating a pillow, which only adds coals to the fire, discover how to gently cool the anger: take a walk, take 10 deep breaths, write, drink some water.

3: Ask for help. This may be difficult, but you can do this! You are not broken, you are not a bad person. You are struggling with an overpowering, difficult emotion and it is OK to ask for help.

4: Laugh. Laugh for no reason, just laugh. It not only opens your heart and softens your belly, it helps you see the ridiculousness in many things.

At some point, instead of your anger controlling you, you will learn to control your anger. Developing a practice of self-care will be paramount to paving a new path and changing the face of your addiction to anger.  Discovering ways to recognize the triggers to your anger and how to respond to them skillfully is going to be key. Remember, recognizing there is a problem is the first step to finding the solution. It takes time, and work, but it’s worth it. You can recover.

 

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Anniversary Blogs Recovery Service Treatment

Jesse Engdahl, MA, RRW – Education Coordinator/ LAUNCH Program

Jesse Engdahl came to us a little over a year ago when we began our Launch program. With him came quite the bag of tricks: Jesse holds several degrees, he is an incredible writer and extraordinarily skilled at managing college applications, something many folks lack. Because Jesse has persistently continued his education, it has allowed him to hold a bevy of information and build broad skill set, including the ability t0 facilitate peer mediation, run groups, and act as a writing coach. More than anything, though, Jesse Engdahl is a great example of someone in recovery who is always of service.  If you need something, I’m sure that Jesse will be there in a heartbeat. He’s kind, funny, and walks with an open heart.

 

The staff rained some beautiful accolades on Mr. Engdahl. Check it out:

 

“Jesse is the best work husband ever! Kind thoughtful hard working, makes my life so much easier… Also a dear friend.” – Noelle Rodriguez

“If I need something done for a client that is outside the box, Jesse is the man I send them to see.  He seems to have an inexhaustible source of unique ideas for difficult problems, and quite frankly, he knows everyone.  He is willing to stick with our clients through the most difficult of problems and doesn’t ever give up on trying to find a way to help them.  Jesse is the guy I would go to if I ever needed something to do on a Friday night; he’s the concierge of sobriety.” – Joseph Rogers

“Jesse joined us about a year ago with the Launch of Launch. 🙂  His good-natured and creative approach to engaging the client has truly helped us to become a more well-rounded program.  Jesse has a special way of finding what “clicks” with a client when it comes to the tricky work-school-life balance needed as our kids get busy with their new lives.  He is an advocate for the child when it comes to figuring out what they need to satisfy their goals.” – Amanda and Chris Shumow

 

And now for Jesse’s answers to the 10 questions we cooked up for him:

 

1: You have several academic degrees, which do you find fits you the best and is the most applicable to your life?

Undoubtedly, I’ve mastered the fine art of critical theories.

2:  What did you want to be when you grew up?

Peter Fonda in Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry

3: Are you a coffee or a tea guy?  

I don’t abide tea-drinkers.

4: Yoga or Pilates?

Aren’t you a yoga teacher?  (*No, Jesse, at least not yet!*)

5: If you could tell your younger self anything, what would it be?

Lighten up, boy …and learn French.

6: What is your favorite weather?

Santa Ana winds blowin’ hot from the north….

7: If you were a Muppet, which one would you be?

Hate to admit I’m probably Bert … but I want to be Ernie.

8: Why did you choose to work an adolescent/young adult population?

My surplus of teen angst.

9: Do you have a guilty pleasure?

Shopping with Noelle …but that’s just the tip of a glacier.

10: Why do you choose to work for Visions?

It’s next to Belwood Bakery!  … and I wanted to learn from the best staff on earth.

 

Categories
Anniversary Blogs Recovery Service Treatment

Nich Willard – Recovery Mentor

Nich Willard has been with Visions since 2007 and is an incredibly valuable part of the Visions team. Nich brings his wry sense of humor, laid back nature, and sober experience to the clients, making him remarkably relatable and effective in his job. Perhaps it’s because Nich got sober in his teens or the simple fact that he’s a cool cat: either way, the kids adore him. In case some of you don’t know, there was also the moustache period, where Nich had the craziest, coolest moustache; he even went so far as to create an alter ego for it on Facebook. Come to think of it, I think we were FB friends—the moustache and I. That right there is a fine example of wacy, sober fun. Like many of us at Visions, Nich also has a creative talent. He has a film background and is quite the talented filmmaker.  You never know, we may have the next Wes Anderson in our midst!

 

Check out what Nich’s coworkers have to say. He is truly a well-loved member of our team!

 

“Nich is awesome! Nich is one of my favorite coworkers and hilarious. His seemingly laissez faire approach and sense of humor is so disarming that he is able to make an impact in the most difficult of scenarios.” Roger L’Hereault

“I miss Nich’s moustache. It was the best!” – Susan “the Art Lady” O’Conner

“Which Nich? The one without the mustache has an amazing way of being real with the kids, and holding them accountable while showing them how to have fun. The Nich with the mustache is his evil twin…no?” – Katie Mason

“Nich!  Thank you for always holding up the couches!  Your ability to make us laugh has truly saved our minds over the years!  From Tech to iPod guy to meeting timer to recovery mentor to van guy, you always do your job with Visions’ best interest at heart.  You are an amazing mentor to the males at Visions, both staff and clients alike.  I will miss you when you finally get into your dream job full time!  The film world will be lucky to have your energy and commitment that we have been blessed to have over the past years!” – Chris and Amanda Shumow

 

Last but not least are Nich’s answers to our bevy of questions.

 

1: What did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be an Astronaut or an actor when I grew up.

2: What is the one thing that never fails to make you laugh?

When dogs scare themselves by sneezing or barking to loud I LOSE it.

3: Favorite meal, the one you can’t live without?

My favorite meal that I cant live without is burgers haha like quimby.

4: What is the best advice you’ve ever received in recovery?

Somebody told me that I never had to be serious about anything except for my recover, and that I could do anything with my life as long as i did the work and could accept the consequences.

5: Your greatest accomplishment?

My greatest accomplishment was realizing that instead of burdening those around me I actually benefited the world around me, that was huge for me.

6: Do you REALLY hate ice cream?

Ice cream is stupid! It’s all a bunch of hype. Ice cream is literally like having a bunch of freezing cold milk ice and salt in your mouth except all mealy. uhg gross…I don’t like cake either most of the time.

7: What do you value most in your friends?

In friends, I value honesty and the ability to laugh at themselves.

8: What do you wish you could do better?

I wish I could remember more. I have a bad short-term memory; this is probably a result of drug use during the developmental stages. Also, I wish I waz a better speller.

9: Morning person or night owl?

I am most definitely a night owl Mornings are RUFF for this guy.

10: Why do you choose to work for Visions?

I work for Visions because helping adolescents find recovery is something that I believe in. I found recovery in an adolescent rehab and it started me on a path that not only gave me something to live for but also led to a great life. The “vision” of Visions is so close to my own that I am proud to be a part of it.

Categories
Adolescence Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) Mental Health Recovery Spirituality Therapy Treatment

Recovery: Redefining Normal

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Stepping onto a path of recovery and beginning the removal of toxicity from one’s life is an arduous, often painful, but beautiful process. But I like to believe that some of our greatest lessons come from our difficulties. Those are the times that provide us with the most insight into what is actually going on with us. Take for instance your relationships with others. Is there a pattern? Have you continued to add links to an unhealthy chain be it consciously or subconsciously? Are you happy?

When there is a history of toxicity in one’s life, particularly when it’s introduced at an early age, what is considered “normal” tends to become skewed. For example, someone raised in a home with an abusive parent may inadvertently seek out relationships with similar personality types. This isn’t a conscious act but rather a direct result of being taught how to be in this world through violence (emotional, physical, visual, etc.). It feels familiar and therefore “normal” to be around toxicity. The question is, how do you break the chain? How do you make new, better choices that are healthy and nurturing?  How do you place yourself in environments that celebrate you for who you are instead of those that persistently denigrate you?

The 12 steps are a brilliant start. They allow us to begin the process of unpeeling the layers of the onion by asking us to turn our eyes inward and check out what’s going on in our minds and in our hearts. That oft-dreaded fourth step tends to help identify a pattern, particularly if we are honest with ourselves when we write it.  Personally, I’ve always liked that process because it feels like I’m stripping the layers of emotional dirt off of me. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s worth it. Frankly, it hurts like hell to look at ourselves and at our lives with a magnifying glass, but dang it, it’s liberating. You just don’t need to carry that stuff around anymore. Twelve-step work is just the start. If it were only that easy, right?

Taking a clinical approach is incredibly beneficial, especially when dealing with trauma, addiction, and mental-health issues.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), to name a few, are invaluable tools to help identify the psychological triggers and hooks we have embedded within us.

But you know what really seals the deal for me? Creating space for Spirituality. I can’t emphasize enough how invaluable it is to develop a spiritual practice. It is the very thing that will feed your soul. No, I’m not selling you religion or a canon of idealized thought. I am, however, urging you to find the calm in your breath, the grounding notion of having your feet planted to the earth, and the healing weight of your hand on your heart. You can break the chain of abuse. You can shut out the tapes that play in your mind, telling you you’re a piece of crap, a failure, not enough, stupid, fat, ugly, useless. You can take your power back. It takes work, but it’s worth all the sweat and tears. Trust me. Be patient. Understand that this process of recovery takes time. Nothing and no one is perfect.

I’ll leave you with this. I was involved in a series of abusive relationships growing up. I was doing the same thing, expecting different results. I eventually discovered I was continuing the pattern of emotional denigration established in my childhood and nurtured in my adolescence. When I finally smashed through that chain several years into my recovery and only after working tirelessly with a therapist, meditation, yoga, 12 steps, I was free. This doesn’t mean the trauma or triggers went away. It means I finally learned to identify them, and have garnered tools to help me respond to them differently. When I met my husband, I quickly discovered he was different. For one thing, he showed me unconditional support, which I hesitated to believe was true. It took me almost two years to accept the fact that I had, in fact, broken that chain and was capable of having relationships that were built on trust and respect. I realized I could believe someone; something this traumatized gal was never able to do. This was proof that I had redefined my “normal” and surrounded myself with a healthy, loving new family. In fact, I redefined my response to the world and its triggers, not just within my family, but also in my life. Ultimately, I took my power back. You can too.  You just have to do the work!

Categories
Addiction Eating Disorders Mental Health Recovery Service Therapy Treatment

Visions’ Los Angeles Outpatient

Los Angeles outpatient facilities are typically where one goes in order to transition from the intensive setting of being in an inpatient treatment facility to the wide-open world.  The outpatient setting is the perfect environment for clients to reintegrate themselves into their new mode of living a life in recovery. On occasion, outpatient can also be the first place one goes to get help when an inpatient facility seems like too much and trying to recover on his or her own has been futile..

At Visions’ Los Angeles outpatient facility, we focus on the entire family, ardently continuing the work that was begun at inpatient. We not only work with the clients but with their families in order to provide a continuum of support. We do this via schooling, team-building activities, therapeutic support, 12-step meetings, and various process groups. We address building and refining communication skills as well as nurturing the spiritual well being of our clients, all of which helps them understand how to be in recovery. We teach our families problem-solving skills, and help them develop new, healthy friendships. We host a variety of alumni and unity events, all of which foster a better relationship to being in recovery. The beauty of these events is, they naturally build community among the clients, showing them that they have sober support and a recovery community. Additionally, we encourage relationships with 12-step sponsors and participation in 12-step meetings, which inspires clients to be active participants in the continuum of their recovery.

In addition to our Intensive Outpatient program, we also have Launch, which is a wonderful Los Angeles outpatient program geared toward young adults transitioning out of adolescence and into adulthood. Launch is a life-skills program focusing on vocational, educational, and social skills.

Outpatient provides an amazing opportunity for our families: it’s the stepping stone between being in the controlled environment of a facility and interacting with the world at large but with the helping hand of a skilled support team. Entering recovery is frightening. It’s new, different, and at times overwhelming, but nothing is impossible when you have a support team guiding you along.

Categories
Anniversary Blogs Recovery

Susan “The Art Lady” O’Connor, B.A. – Art Therapist

Susan O’Conner, aka The Art Lady, has been with Visions since the very beginning. She is literally part of the foundational framework of our residential and outpatient facilities. Susan is also the creator of Art as a Language—a means of using art to “tap the unconscious, release blocked emotions, face vulnerabilities, and acknowledge addictions.” Using art in this way allows our teens to viscerally and tangibly access the underbelly of their emotions in a way that is healing and liberating. Susan is all heart:  she is creative and kind, of service, and full of healing energy. Susan is  lovingly known as the Art Lady in many recovery environments, having worked in recovery for a decade. Her signature paint-splattered overalls are an indelible symbol of love and heart. We are beyond blessed to have Susan in our midst.The staff completely agrees:

“What an original and special gift Susan brings to Visions.  You can see this whenever she arrives at our facilities, as the kids all yell out excitedly, “ART LADY!”  She has such an amazing ability to bring out the unconscious creative faculties of the clients, allowing them expression of difficult and otherwise unreachable emotions.  She clearly cares about our clients and helping them on their journey of healing.  To see Susan in action is to see love itself at work.  We are lucky to have her in our Visions family.” – Joseph Rogers

“Art lady: Charisma, charm and creativity sum her up!” – Heather Colligan

“You could never run out of things to say about Susan the “Art Lady.”  Susan brings creativity to Wednesday nights and truly adds so much to our program.  The clients love working with her and she spreads positivity whenever she is here.  In addition to taking care of the kids’ creative voices, she is in tune with the staff’s need to also express ourselves; she often hosts workshops just for us!  These past 10 years working with Susan have truly been a gift.  Thanks, Susan!” – Chris and Amanda Shumow

There’s more! Read on for Susan’s answers to our questions. She never ceases to amaze, really:

1: What is your favorite artistic medium?

It changes quite regularly.  Some favorites are collage – paper and
fabric,  painting with acrylics,  painting with gouache, clay people,
and printmaking, to name a few.  Right now it is small clay people in
all sorts of different positions (mostly making social or political
statements) that I quietly put out on the streets, wall, stop signs…
and?

2: Were you always encouraged to follow your artistic path?

Some, but it never mattered.  Even as a small child, I drew all my
feelings.  I am good at science too – and I like it, so those that
wanted me to get a “real job” thought I should go in that direction.
Needless to say…

3: Where do you go for peace and quiet?

My garden… I sit by my herbs in my garden with any kind of art supply.
So easy to be calm and creative with lavender, rosemary, lemon balm
and basil filling the air.  The birds like it when I am out there too.

4: You work with adolescents as well as adults, how are they different in terms of their application of artistic expression?

Adolescents are much more available and still have a bit of hope. My goal is to let them experience the language of color and shape and possibility. Besides, I really like teens.  They may be angry but have not yet turned to adult bitterness. Adults require more sensitivity in getting out of their perceived safe heads that are cemented in denial.  Most have been addicts for a long time.

They are both fragile groups of people and require a tender solution-oriented touch. Art never lies, so it cracks open even the toughest egg and that can be frightening. My hope is that this new way of expression will help them access the deep profound words that have eluded them for so long.

5: If you were stranded on an island, who or what would you want as company?

My stone-carver husband, our children and grandchildren, lots of art
supplies, a few musical instruments oh, and I guess a way to grow
food.

6: What would you do if you ever stopped painting and drawing?

I would die.

7: Where do you feel most at home?

My studio in the little retro trailer we call home – and always with
recovering addicts.

8: What makes you laugh out loud?

My funny husband and very funny grandkids… they are my life’s blood.

9: Spring, Summer, Autumn, or Winter?

I actually love all the colors, smells and feelings of all the different seasons.  If I have to pick one, it is Fall.  My babies were born in October and I travel back to those times every year.  I also got clean and sober in October.  A very special month.

10: Why do you choose to work for Visions?

I remain honored to have worked for Visions since the beginning. Their philosophy of treating the adolescents with dignity, in turn teaches the kids self respect and respect for others. They are Twelve Step Program oriented.  I truly enjoy all these young people, and
their funny humor and crazy music.  I am amazed at the openness and willingness they have to understand that Art is truly a Language. Additionally, I think the staff is a committed, supportive, kind group of people that work very hard at understanding the teen mind.

Categories
Adolescence Parenting Recovery

Family Dinners

“Family dinners: they’re not old-fashioned, they’re just good sense!”

I was reminded of this sentiment when I saw John Lieberman’s tweet a couple of days ago that said, “So, dinner is a good thing!” He was referring to this article, but his message reminded me that beyond the scientific studies, which dutifully illustrate the downfalls of families who don’t have regular family dinners, time together with family at mealtime is truly precious. It’s the time when the hub-bub of work/school/extracurricular activities, et cetera, can become secondary so we can plug into family connection.

When I was a kid growing up with a single mom and living a rather impoverished life, one of the most consistent things my mom did was insist we sit down together every night for dinner. While my household wasn’t short on dysfunction, the value of creating real family time at meals was paramount to my mom. It didn’t matter what the meal was, though–what mattered was the time spent together, checking in with each other. In my particular family, this regularity came to a halt during my teen years; looking back, I see how those years are a definitive time for connecting and building character; I wish there had been more “normalcy” in that regard. Still, I continue the tradition of family dinners in my own life, but my goal is to maintain the community structure beyond the formative years of early childhood and tween life so I can carry it into the confusing years of adolescence. My own experience proves to me that meal time can and should become a time of unwinding and check-ins if the environment is healthy enough.

From the scientific perspective, the positive outcome of having a regular family dinner is clearly laid out: When The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASAColumbiaTM) “examined the link between the frequency of family dinners and the quality of teens’ relationships with their parents,” they discovered that “the frequency with which teens attend religious services and how much parents know about what’s going on in their children’s lives,” relates to the “likelihood of teens’ marijuana, alcohol and tobacco use.” The thing is, family dinners show potential for inclusivity. If the dynamic of a family dinner is healthy, kids will ultimately be provided a safe “container” for feeling their feelings, talking about what’s really going on, and allowing themselves to drop down into emotional safety.

While not all family dynamics are conducive to healthy family dinners, it should be noted that there is intrinsic value to forming this connectivity if circumstances allow. My son is prone to complaining and pessimism—it’s just his personality, so to help him see there is more to life than a half-empty glass and annoying school mates, we often use family dinners to go around the table and share three things that happened that day for which we are grateful. Those three statements of gratitude often spark the opportunity for conversations we wouldn’t ordinarily have, which leads to that connectivity I’m talking about.

Families in recovery are strongly urged to reignite this tradition, even if you start with one or two family dinners a week, you will see a change toward the positive. In truth,  family dinners are a wonderful addition to your toolbox for reconnection. Try it. Heck, cook together and include some team building!

Categories
Anniversary Blogs Recovery

Katie Mason, MA, LMFT – Residential Therapist

Katie Mason has been providing therapeutic care for our families since 2007, and she continues to be one of Visions’ Primary Therapists. When Katie joined our team five years ago, she did so with over 10 years of experience working with dual-diagnosis adults and adolescents, substance abuse cases, eating disorders, and suicide prevention. Her contribution to the Visions family and her approach to treatment has created an invaluable foundation for our families to rely upon—Katie is as part of the Visions framework and we are extremely fortunate and grateful to have her in our midst. We really do have a remarkable team.

Check out what some of our V-team has to say!

“Katie is a very intuitive therapist, and a great co-worker.” – Heather Colligan

“Katie Mason joined us several years ago and has been wowing us ever since.  Her therapeutic skills have helped touch the lives of so many of our clients.  Katie’s passion to become an even better clinician has led her to a Ph.D program, where she spends one weekend a month with her “student” hat on.  This type of desire to learn and continue to grow is just one of the ways Katie models the behaviors we want to see in our clients.  So many girls look to Katie as an example of a woman in recovery who gives everything her all.  Katie is also a sounding board for so many of us, providing insight and support during the more difficult days.  We love Katie!!” – Amanda and Chris Shumow

Katie was, of course, subjected to our usual 10-question fun. Her responses are particularly fantastic. I’m noticing a definite musical pattern emerging amongst our Visions team. Read on!

1: What inspires you to work with adolescents?

I’m guessing you’re looking for an answer other than, “because I still feel like one.”  I feel honored to be a part of my client’s journey of developing their sense of self, increasing their self-worth at a time when typically there is so little, and helping them to see how really cool and talented they are.

2: What time of year do you like best?

SUMMER!!!!  I guess that confirms that I’m still just a teenager at heart.

3: Do you play any instruments? If so, which and for how long?

I sing, so if you count my voice as an instrument, all my life.  I come from a long line of performing family members, and music is one of my favorite therapies!!  You can also add to that, the guitar for about a minute when I was a teenager, and, something that I would never admit to, except that there is photo evidence of me in my brownie uniform playing…………..the accordion (shhhhh, don’t tell anyone)

4:  What did you want to be when you grew up?

A Star.  I wanted to act, dance and sing.  I had some opportunities, but I’m a chicken, horrible stage fright.  It all worked out great though, if it’s possible, I think I love what I actually do even more.  Besides, this way I get to embarrass my daughter and my animals with my singing and dancing around the house.

5:  If you could travel in time, where would you go?

The Renaissance era.  I’m a true romantic at heart and love the chivalry and fashion of that time.  For music though, any era from the 50’s forward.

6: What would you consider your greatest accomplishment thus far?

My daughter.  I often minimize my impact on the amazing young woman she is becoming because she has always just been this incredible person.  But the more I see myself in her, I have to acknowledge that I might’ve had something to do with it.

7: What is the best advice you’ve ever received about providing therapy to adolescents and families?

Diversify and maintain self-care.  Someone once told me, that in order to remain passionate about working with adolescents, you need to make sure that half your practice is with a different population.  Self-care is important with all populations, and something I’m still working on.

8: Are you a morning person or a night owl?

Night owl for sure.  I don’t have a personality, or much of a brain for that matter, before 9 am.

9: What steps to you take for self-care?

Like I said, I’m still working on that.  I have great support; family, friends, therapy, but making time for all those is another story.  Regular exercise and spa days are fabulous in theory, I’m working on making them more of a reality.

10: Why do you choose to work for Visions?

Wow, this answer could take pages.  If I had to give you a short answer, I would say, because I don’t feel like I’m working FOR Visions.  I feel like I am a part of Visions, a part of something that values individuality, integrity, creativity, passion, and most importantly laughter………..a true love of life.

 

Categories
Bullying Mental Health Parenting Recovery Suicide

Bullying: Helping the Bullied and the Bully

Compassion (Photo credit: Sarit Photography)

As National Suicide Prevention Week continues, I realize we can’t let the week pass without talking about bullying. The recent documentary Bully deftly brought to light egregious bullying behavior, some of which led to suicide. The conversation continues, however. We are more aware now that the bullied child is suffering, often in silence, and often filled with shame and anger about why this is happening to them. They are always asking the eternal question, “Why me?”  Unfortunately, there are still an alarming number of bullying incidents that go undetected, and there continues to be a systemic problem in the way we deal with the bullies themselves and the children being bullied.

Children who are bullied won’t typically tell anyone this is happening,  typically feeling helpless in their endeavors to get help. From the bullied child’s perspective, there is an implication of great risk in asking for help. Experience has proven the bully makes sure they live in a state of fear of retaliation. This is particularly true when dealing with verbal bullying such as name calling, exclusion, ostracizing, rumors, racial, cultural, and sexual taunts. In these cases, proof is often difficult. This presents a catch-22 situation for parents, teachers, and administrators: it becomes one child’s word against another’s. As parents, we have to play the role of detective and suss out the situation, looking for key emotional and physical signs that our child is being bullied.

From Sheri Werner’s book In Safe Hands: Bullying Prevention and Compassion for All, she lists the following things to look for if we suspect bullying:

  • Becoming moody or short tempered.
  • Finding excuses for not wanting to go to school.
  • Claiming physical illnesses such as stomachaches and headaches that may have, in fact, actually evolved into such physical symptoms.
  • Returning to bedwetting.
  • Beginning to have nightmares.
  • Developing either a lack of appetite or increase of eating compulsively.
  • Having difficulty concentrating.
  • Deterioration in the quality of schoolwork.
  • Having insomnia, anxiety.
  • Starting to become quiet, withdrawn.
  • Exhibiting physical signs like bruises, torn clothing, scrapes, and so on.
  • Expressing sadness and/or violence in writing or drawings.
  • Displaying unusual acting out behaviors.

Bullying doesn’t have to end in suicide. Suicide is never the answer. You are your child’s greatest advocate. You have a multitude of options:

  • Individual counseling/therapy
  • Group counseling/therapy
  • Form your own support group
  • Become informed.
  • Go to the school: find out what they have in place for bullying prevention.
  • If they don’t have anything in place, take steps to help develop a school anti-bullying policy.

 

I’ve seen this more times than I care to admit: a bullying situation resulting in the bullied child being punished and/or being told to “ignore” the bully or try to “make friends” with him/her. In truth, the child bullied needs support and compassion. But so does the bully. Yes, you read that right. The bully needs support and compassion as well, and more than likely an intervention of sorts. I truly believe that bullying is a symptom of a greater problem. What that problem may be isn’t an excuse for the negative behavior, but it still needs to be addressed.

There’s no doubt that it’s difficult to find compassion for a child who bullies, because their behavior is so hurtful and over the top, but suffering comes in all shapes and forms and it behooves us to take this into consideration.  A kid who goes home to violence, neglect, etc., or who suffers from unaddressed mental illness or a learning disability, or who didn’t have sufficient emotional connection in their early years may not know how to handle problems that arise. From the perspective of the administration and teachers, this is really an opportunity (and challenge) to A: monitor the bully, and B: help redirect and reteach the bully to change their thinking and behavioral processes to fit into a healthier social model. For the bully, their saving grace might just be the school they are in, if that school has methods in place to help them. The key is not to give up on them; they, too, deserve a chance to recover and change.

 

There are resources out there! You are not alone in this, regardless if you are the parent of the bullied or the bully.

www.soulshoppe.com (elementary and middle school)

www.challengeday.org (high school)

Books to read:

The Mindful Child – Susan Keiser Greenland

In Safe Hands: Bullying Prevention With Compassion for All – Sheri Werner

Categories
Addiction Mental Health Recovery

Compulsive Shopping: Feeding Feelings With Stuff

Shoes 2 (Photo credit: marcovdz)

Has compulsive shopping become the bane of your existence? Do you find yourself chasing the “high” of your next big purchase only to be met with the common crash-and-burn of buyer’s remorse? Have you replaced your drug or alcohol addiction with shopping?

Many people shop compulsively as a means of “feeding their feelings” via shopping bags full of swag.  They are reinforcing the often unconscious theory of  “If only I had _____,  then I would be happy.” Shopping can also reinforce one’s childhood memories of a parent or parents showing “affection” with a credit card in lieu of engaging emotionally. Let’s not forget that shopping may simply be the only way one knows how to feel better when things feel like they are coming apart. It’s almost as though the idea of a full shopping bag contains the psychological glue they’ve equated with emotional fulfillment or stress relief.

The difference between compulsive shopping and say, a splurge, is the regularity of the behavior along with the emotional satisfaction felt after the cash drawer closes. Sure, there is some satisfaction and even fear felt after a huge but necessary purchase (I know this from having to buy photography equipment and panicking at the price tags even though it was an investment in myself!). However, the compulsivity that occurs when someone continues to shop beyond their literal need is different. For example, someone shopping with an addictive mind will come home with clothes they didn’t try on, shoes they already have, electronics they don’t need, whilst ignoring bills that need to be paid. In this case, they are shopping to satisfy an untenable emotional need to feel better.

When we get sober, compulsive shopping can rear its ugly head for many. With drugs and alcohol being taken off the table, all of sudden the outlets one used to feel better shift into new territory. Honestly, most of us don’t revel in the chance to face our crap head on. We would rather continue to numb it with outside stimulation, regardless of the negative outcome. At least we’ll feel better for a moment, right? Wrong.

Scott McMillin, Principal, Recovery Systems Institute poses a great question “If you’re shopping more than you need to–or more than you can afford, it’s time to think about why:  What are you getting out of it?  What is the ‘reward’ feeling all about?” Recovery is an opportunity to find the answers to those questions in a way that is healing and insightful.

While there isn’t a clinical diagnosis for compulsive shopping, there are certain factors that make one prone to this behavior.

  • Other addictive behaviors
  • Mood disorders
  • A  hereditary propensity toward compulsive shopping

Here are some clues that you may be heading in a bad direction with your shopping  habits:

  • Spending over budget
  • Compulsive buying
  • Hiding  your purchases or shopping activity
  • Chronic returns resulting from buyer’s remorse.
  • Negative effect on your relationships.
  • Clear consequences to your actions (i.e., your electricity was shut off)
  • Shopping in response to feeling angry, sad, depressed, anxious, lonely.
  • Arguing with others around you about your shopping habits.
  • Buying on credit rather than with cash.
  • Feeling an adrenaline rush or surge of euphoria with shopping.
  • Feeling guilt or remorse after a spree.
  • Lying about how much you actually spent.
  • Obsessing about money.
  • Juggling your accounts and bills to make room for more shopping.

If you find yourself relating to more than four of these bullet points, it’s time to seek help. You can start with some of these steps:

  • Admit you have a problem
  • Seek professional help so you can determine the underlying issue(s) driving your compulsivity.
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
  • Take measures to get out of debt.
  • Find healthier ways in which to feel better:
    • Working with others
    • Meditation
    • Yoga
    • 12-step meetings

Compulsive shopping is merely a symptom. Like drugs and alcohol, it only provides temporary relief and in the end, all it really gives you are more problems to manage. Take some deep breaths and have the courage to face the real issues confronting you. Interesting fact: Facing the darkness and pain takes less effort than building a maze of denial. You can and will recover.

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… We must do that which we think we cannot.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

Some articles that really helped pave the way to this piece:

WebMd

About.com

CNN

The Atlantic

Thank you to @RecoverySI for your amazing online support and for your insightful quote.

 

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