Jealousy is the creep that hangs out in the back of our minds, chiding us when we are confronted with something we believe should be ours, be it a thing, an experience, or a companion. Jealousy is the one holding us back from enjoying what we do have, celebrating what others have and the joy that they experience. Jealously casts a shadow on our mere presence on this earth and impacts our ability to engage with the world in a way that is helpful or kind. Jealousy can lead us to resentment and relapse and because of its complexity, jealousy is an equal-opportunity villain: it effects men and women alike and gets particularly loud when there is a perceived threat to a coveted relationship or thing.
A way to counteract the negative effects of jealousy and envy is to engage in the practice of sympathetic joy. In other words, find joy in someone else’s successes and accomplishments. This is not an easy feat, especially when you find yourself being suffocated by jealousy and envy on a regular basis. It eats at you, infuriates you, and makes you self-righteous and sharp tongued. This, my friends, is where sympathetic joy is imperative. It is the act that will save your ass in the end. It’s the act that asks you to set aside your ego and be happy for someone else, despite the ache and fury within yourself. It doesn’t mean you have to throw the person a party. But it does require the elimination of gossip and character assassination.
When we are in the mode of jealousy, we are in the perspective of self-centeredness. We cut ourselves off from others, leaving us with a constricted, limited existence, which ultimately has no room for a sense of openhearted joy. It is, in a nutshell, a joyless state. When we are outside of jealously, a sense of belonging and communion can open up. We open the possibility of freeing ourselves from the state of bitter resentment that will otherwise control our lives and lead us back to the drink or the drug.
The world is a huge place, and we cannot expect to be the director, producer, and actor for the entire production of life. Learning to share the stage helps us to let go of our egos, and loosen our reins of control. It is possible to learn to celebrate those who reach emotional success before us or by responding with delight rather than jealousy. We are all in this together, after all, and it is to our benefit to walk this path with as much love and kindness as possible.
Aleksandra Petrovic, LMSW, is a trauma specialist, coming to Visions via New York where she worked with underprivileged children and their families. Aleksandra’s work led her to a hospital outpatient program for dual-diagnosed adolescents, which used DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) as their primary modality of treatment. Continuing to help underprivileged youth, Aleksandra went on to work at a state-run adolescent recovery center with children ages 5-16 who had been shuffled through the foster care system until they could no longer be placed due to their behavior. Aleksandra earned her B.A at Columbia University, double majoring in psychology and French literature, with a minor in neuroscience. She went on to earn her masters degree in social work at Hunter’s School of Social Work in NYC.
Aleksandra has completed her training in EMDR at the EMDR Institute under its founder Francine Shapiro. She uses EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitation and Reprocessing) and TF-CBT (Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) regularly when working with clients and their trauma(s).
EMDR is a
“one-on-one form of psychotherapy that is designed to reduce trauma-related stress, anxiety, and depression symptoms associated with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and to improve overall mental health functioning. (via SAMSHA)
TF-CBT is a
“psychosocial treatment model designed to treat posttraumatic stress and related emotional and behavioral problems in children and adolescents. Initially developed to address the psychological trauma associated with child sexual abuse, the model has been adapted for use with children who have a wide array of traumatic experiences, including domestic violence, traumatic loss, and the often multiple psychological traumas experienced by children prior to foster care placement.” (via SAMHSA)
Aleksandra will use TF-CBT by having a client paint or write their story several times until there is a full range of emotions expressed. The repetition of reading and writing eventually desensitizes the severity of the impact of one’s memories. Aleksandra also uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help her clients safely access their trauma, helping them “go back” into the traumatic scene and “save” their younger selves. Processes such as these require a commitment to doing difficult work, but they are worth the efforts. Deep trauma work employed in the modalities Aleksandra uses is extremely beneficial for treating trauma in adolescents and helping them process their trauma in a safe, therapeutic way.
Aleksandra uses the treatment modality most beneficial to her client’s needs whether it’s EMDR, TF-CBT, IFS, writing, movement, or art. Her approach and style are right in line with the Visions’ holistic, client-based approach to adolescent treatment. Her work with the kids at Visions is very individualized–Aleksandra first focuses on building a rapport with the kids, and creating a trusting, safe environment for them to express themselves. When she treats trauma, she assesses where the client is emotionally, whether their trauma was chronic or an isolated event, their awareness surrounding their trauma, if it is repressed or glaringly present, and whether or not there are any psychological issues like mood disorders, depression, or mania present resulting in a dual diagnosis.
Aleksandra has taken her own trauma recovery and transformed it into a path of being of service to adolescents struggling with their own deep traumas. She believes that treating trauma is a crucial step in working on one’s recovery from addiction, eating disorders and other mental health issues. Aleksandra recognizes the influence of major and minor traumas as often being the underlying cause of substance abuse and self-harming behaviors. We are so fortunate to have such a compassionate, caring trauma specialist as part of our clinical team at Visions Our clients now have access to trauma treatment in both our residential and outpatient programs, as we recognize the deep impact unresolved trauma has on one’s recovery.
Scott Davenport started working as a Program Aide in 2010. His dedication and willingness to learn has led him to become a Residential Counselor, the position he holds now. As such, Scott is working more directly with the clients, and bringing his cool sense of calm energy into everything he does. Scott has this wonderful ability to connect with the clients on a very real level, especially since he was once a client himself. His innate gentleness and kindness make him easy to talk to and extremely relatable. Scott is an extremely consistent and dedicated member of the Visions team—he’ll show up for anything he’s asked to do, and is always intent on doing what’s right for the clients.
One of the things I really appreciate and respect about Scott is how thoughtful he is in regard to what he says and how he mindfully interacts with those around him. He doesn’t say anything unless it necessary or true, making him someone worth listening to. Because of that quality, Scott is a really skilled listener. In the time I’ve known Scott, I can tell you that he is one of those people who means what he says and says what he means. He is kind and gentle but understands the need to hold firm boundaries with the clients. The kids in our programs are lucky to have him in their lives and so are we.
Read on for some particularly kind words from some of the Visions team:
“Ah Scotttt! I love Scott! It’s like all of the good things in life got together and said, ‘HERE YA GO! ENJOY!’ He’s a great person to be around and on those days at Visions when everything is chaos, he is just serenity incarnate…to me and Aleks at least.” – Janette Duran
“Scott is one of my favorite heroes. He is a gentle soul, well-liked and respected by the kids and his peers. Also, if you don’t already know this, he is an artist extraordinaire. I have an original Davenport hanging in my studio. Thanks Scott, you are the best.” – Susan “Art Lady” O’Connor
“Scott is definitely the calm in the storm. His kindness combined with his dead-on assessment with what’s going on with the clients makes him great support for both the kids and his co-workers!!” — Katie Mason
“Scott does a great job with the kids, very calm and patient.” – Bill Hoban
“Love the guy; effortless person to work with. I think this is in part due to Scott being a mindful practitioner of the team approach. It’s really an equal two-way street with him or a live-and-let-live-through-mutual cooperation kind of vibe.
A grounded, consistent and calming force he is. Yes, that last sentence sounded like Yoda. He’d dig that, I think.” – Roger L’Heauralt
“Who would have ever thought that the young man seeming not to pay attention when he was a client at IOP would turn into one of Visions’ brightest stars! Scott is such an amazing mentor for our clients. His steady, patient and quiet way adds a feeling of calm to the days that seem so hectic. He has truly grown into an amazing employee, friend and man in the time that we have known him. Scott has stepped up into the large shoes Brian left when he moved to Latigo and has not missed a step. He is always thinking of the clients’ best interests and will show up for any crisis or for a skate!” – Amanda and Chris Shumow
Our staff blogs wouldn’t be the same without some insight from those we’re honoring. Of course we asked Scott to answer our 10 questions, and of course, he answered them with the same thoughtful, mindful qualities we can expect. Read on:
1: Favorite movie of all time?
Alien
2: Who is your hero?
My Dad
3: Last book you read?
Neuromancer by William Gibson
4: If you could have been any person from history, who would it be and why?
MLK – He stood for so many important, great things. He made a profound difference for our country and for humanity without using violence or hate.
5: Best late-night LA haunt?
I don’t have a lot of late nights. Favorite morning place – sitting outside in the sun with a cup of coffee.
6: Do you sing in the shower?
Yes, I always have weird songs stuck in my head first thing when I wake up in the morning.
7: What is your most memorable skateboarding story?
I think I hit my head once but I don’t remember?
8: Describe yourself in 3 words.
Generous, optimistic, honest.
9: What inspires you?
Beautiful places, animals, morning, good people, hard working people, funny things, being outside.
10: Why do you choose to work for Visions?
I love the people I get to work with. Visions seems to have a unique way of helping teenagers without being cutesy or treating them like children, something I really needed and appreciated when I was a client. I was always treated with respect and compassion and was usually guided by positive examples rather than told what to do. It is something that has stuck with me that I would like to give back.
In honor of NEDA‘s annual Eating Disorder Awareness Week or EDAW, I had the opportunity to speak about body image and photography at Cal State Northridge. Conversation is a huge part of my photographic process and a key component in working with people. It’s not uncommon for me to hear self-deprecating commentary from photography clients about their perceived weight issues, body expectations, body shape, size, imperfections, et cetera. We are never exactly where we think we should be, right? In those moments where we are particularly vulnerable (in front of a camera, for example), why wouldn’t we talk about how insecure we might feel? After all, we are inundated with manufactured “perfection” in advertising and media on a daily basis. I find it an honor and privilege to have the opportunity to use these moments to be of service as a body image advocate to honor whomever I’m photographing in order to create a creative partnership. In those moments, we can quiet that angry inner voice of delusion.
Recovery asks us to be of service. In my own recovery, I try and bring the energy of service work into everything I do: to love others, even when loving them is difficult. To love myself, regardless of my own perceived imperfections. Eating disorders and disordered eating both have this in common: body image issues. If anything, it is a side effect of being a human being in a visually saturated world, but it doesn’t have to become a necessary evil. There is a way to challenge the negative body image messages we encounter in our everyday lives. Changing your body image means changing the way you think about your body.
Start from within:
When you wake up, set an intention to say 3 nice things to yourself throughout the day. Write those things on post-its if you need to and stick them where you won’t miss them.
Change negative perceptions to those of acceptance and positivity
Silence your inner critic. Begin to recognize that A: you are not your thoughts,
and B: feelings aren’t facts.
When you hear that negative self-talk revving its engine, try and counteract it with a positive comment.
How do we learn to love ourselves when what we see is distorted?
We see reflections of ourselves wherever we go: shop windows, bathroom mirrors, dressing rooms, elevator doors, brass coverings, and random reflective surfaces. Our reflections are everywhere, but are they really a true reflection of us? Most often, they are not. Many professionals are talking about “Mirror Fasting.” In this practice, you are asked to “fast” from looking at your reflection.
Try this: Make a decision to stop looking at your reflection for a day. See how you feel. Add another day. See how you feel. Women and men who do this tend to have an increase in self-esteem, and a more positive image of their bodies. What we see is not always reality when it comes to mirrors; when we suffer from body dysmorphia, what we see really becomes skewed. Kjerstin Gruys, a 29-year-old sociology graduate student documented her yearlong Mirror Fast in her blog, Mirror Mirror…Off the Wall. In that process, she learned to love her body. I’m not asking you to skip mirrors for a year, but perhaps trying it out for day or a week, noting the emotional effects would be beneficial.
Body image issues are something many of us face. Even in recovery, even knowing what we know about the negative factors behind a poor image of self, we struggle. But with what we know, we have to find the temerity to stand up to that inner bully and put a stop to the barrage of self-deprecating chatter. Today, I stood up to that voice and looked in the mirror and said, “You are magnificent.” It felt incredible.
When we come to recovery, one of the toughest realizations is the discovery of family dysfunction and the work it takes to heal those relationships. Sometimes when we heal, our families don’t heal with us. Being the addict or alcoholic or person suffering from mental illness typically makes us the focal point within the dysfunctional family. So when the healing process begins, it’s not uncommon for a family to try and divert their loved one back to their old behaviors or at least to their old emotional responses. It is what’s familiar, after all. It’s what allows the family to take the focus away from what’s happening within the family dynamic and redirect it onto the “problem.”
How often do we drink, use, starve, self-harm, et cetera, in an attempt to “manage” our discomfort and disconnection within our families? It’s not uncommon for these behaviors to be a direct response to a family’s dysfunction. Sometimes a family will continue to batter and abuse, or enable, all of which evidence their own negative interactions. In this case, the dysfunctional paradigm of the unhealthy family dynamic hasn’t changed, even though you may have. In recovery, we begin to set healthy boundaries with those who persistently spew harmful behaviors our way, but no one says creating those boundaries would be easy. It takes consistent and ardent work coupled with attention to our own reactions to our environments to effect real change.
We work with families all the time at Visions. Many, if not most of our families jump on board and get involved in Al-Anon, make efforts to shift their actions and parenting styles, actively go into therapy, and accept help and suggestions from our clinical staff. They honestly do their best to mend the familial fabric and understand that recovery is a family process. Still, there are some whose own dysfunction prevents the acceptance of help and promotes a culture of denial. In those cases, it’s imperative that boundaries are established and self-care is modeled effectively. In doing this, we allow our light to shine through; we allow our healing to flourish; we allow people into our lives that are safe, kind, and supportive. Being in recovery is a process, and within that process, our internal light gets brighter and stronger.
Visions offers family groups, parent groups, and multiple teen groups in our various facilities. These groups support the individual and their needs as well as the family and its needs. The wounds created by addiction and mental health can and do heal. Therapeutic groups provide a safe container for that process to begin. They build trust and encourage peer support, something urgently necessary in treatment and recovery. We really can’t figure this stuff out for ourselves! It takes a community of clinical and peer support, love, and patience, and healthy boundaries.
We recently talked about sponsorship within the confines of the 12 steps: particularly what a sponsor is and what a sponsor is not and the necessity of having that position filled in your life. This is particularly true in the beginning years of your recovery, where everything seems so muddy and untenable. Having someone in your corner (a guide, if you will) who has their “ducks in a row” is a necessity. This imperative is part of what informs our recovery path: it’s spoken about at every meeting, in treatment, and often times in therapy. The relationship of sponsor/sponsee is one that will follow you through your sobriety and recovery.
What happens to someone who needs a program, is in recovery, but sincerely struggles to relate to the theistic practices of the 12 steps? Can the 12 steps work if the theism is removed? Yes, but with some modification. I’ve had the honor of working with a couple of women who required the use of alternative language. The steps are still applied and used to create a foundation of recovery, but the use of intentions and meditation, breath and body awareness is also used to enhance recovery support. Over the last several years, there has been a groundswell of people in recovery seeking non-theistic and/or alternative recovery tools. Against the Stream responded to this with Refuge Recovery meetings and yearly inventory workshops. Their model “is a community of people who are using the practices of mindfulness, compassion, forgiveness and generosity to heal the pain and suffering that addiction has caused in our lives and the lives of their loved ones.” Individuals who have and are continuing to work the steps of that process are referred to as “mentors” and are asked to help others new to recovery begin their own process.
The act of looking at ourselves honestly and learning to sit in the discomfort of our feelings and emotions is powerful. We can learn to have faith in the energy of our fellowship communities and begin to look at faith as an act of letting go: letting go of our need to control anything and everything around us, letting go of our fears, letting go of our egos. The movement toward a spiritual foundation of recovery and learning to embrace our somatic responses to our addiction and trauma is spreading like wildfire. We need the help and direction of others who have gone before us. We need sponsors or mentors to guide us on this path. We cannot do this alone.
“An alcoholic without a sponsor is like leaving Dracula in charge of the blood bank.”
We are pleased to welcome Dr. Georgina Smith, Ph.D to the Visions clinical team. She has been working with adults, families, and children since 2001, making her vast knowledge of neurofeedback and Dialectical Behavorial Therapy (DBT) accessible to a wide range of clientele. Dr. Smith specializes in treating survivors of trauma, abuse, and those suffering from eating disorders, and addiction. She also treats individuals suffering from chronic depression, self-injury, mood, personality, and anxiety disorders. Her knowledge and use of neurofeedback and DBT allows her to help her clients in a way that empowers them be engaged in their own recovery. Dr. Smith’s approach is holistic, and caring, and she ardently believes in ensuring that her clients feel seen. Her work with adolescents has built an authentic treatment style where she is able to form a genuine connection with her clients, so they feel seen, heard, validated and challenged. Dr. Smith encourages them to be ok in the skin they’re in. That particular tenant of treatment spreads healing throughout one’s mind, body, and spirit.
With the addition of Dr. Georgina Smith, clients have access to DBT in all phases of their treatment. DBT, in particular, is one of the most efficacious treatments for mood disorders, namely Borderline Personality Disorder. DBT uses mindfulness, self-awareness, and skill building in the areas of trauma, emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness and crisis management. One of the most remarkable pieces of DBT is its effectiveness in teaching clients to regulate their emotions and recognize when they are becoming deregulated. Self-awareness in someone trying to manage extreme emotions is undeniably helpful.
Currently, Dr. Smith is seeing Visions’ clients for DBT as well as running a DBT group on a weekly basis. We are looking forward to working with Dr. Smith and are excited to have her as part of our clinical staff. She is down to earth, and brings a sense of realness to her groups and throughout her clinical practice. She says it best, “So many of the kids I’ve worked with are struggling to make sense of things they’ve been through, struggling with their sense of self and others, and a confusing, chaotic world. The space I create with them is about being ok wherever they are, whoever they are, so we can open the doors to choice and change. It is about ownership, realness & empowerment.” Welcome to the VTeam, Georgina!
Addiction and mental health are deeply woven into the fabric of our culture. Rather than stigmatizing those suffering from the confines of their minds and addictions of their bodies, it’s clear we need to provide wider ranges of treatment for recovery. Over the Visions has broadened our treatment base, continued to step away from the prohibitive nature of limited thinking, and are continuing to encompass the whole person in treatment. I just read an article that talked about the use of antiquated treatment methods circa 1950, and I was pleasantly reminded of how forward we are in our treatment programs.
Our mental health track has broadened to include the treatment of trauma, provide DBT for all levels of treatment, and allow for alternative methods of support when the 12-step model isn’t appropriate. Recovery isn’t one-size-fits-all, and we recognize that. Our therapists and staff devise a treatment plan appropriate for each client, supporting their individual needs while also providing them with the treatment they need. We can begin to find solace in therapeutic care, safety in our own bodies, and space in our hearts to heal from the deep wounds of our hurts. We will find that there are answers to the most difficult questions if we are ready and willing to do the work. To give up when things are painful or when the shadows are looming cease being a choice when a skillful clinical and support staff supports you.
Remember, healing is a process, not an easy 28-day fix. Recovery is a life-long practice that we engage in one day at a time, and some days, one moment at a time. Many of us want everything right here, right now, supersized, and fast: the typical “quick fix.” Recovery isn’t like that. Allow yourself the chance to slow down and catch your breath. Allow yourself to let go and accept help. Our brains and bodies can recover and learn to hold space for our trauma and addictions in ways that are safe and kind to us as individuals.
Try this for good measure. Find a group of friends whom you trust and feel safe with; make a pact to text each other “.b” (stop-breathe) when you are feeling overwhelmed or when you want to have a unified moment of mindfulness between you and a friend. By doing something as simple as this, we can create a chain of positive healing instead of polishing the old standby chain of sickness. We can recover.
A while back, I wrote about a child of 8 years old who was showing early signs of disordered eating behaviors. As noted at that time, the behavior was fueled by a father with his own poor relationship around food and a mother who is also victimized by his negative body and food talk. I’ve watching this child over the last year, hoping I was wrong, but knowing more and more that the signs I was seeing were none other than an eating disorder being nurtured and fed by self-hatred, stress, and a negative environment. Her organization of food has gotten more intense, as has her open disgust around whatever is on her plate. It’s not so much about being “fat” but more about her discernment around eating a growing number of “certain” foods.
There’s stress all around this kid: her father is impatient and fixated on his own weight and body image. Her mom is reacting to his actions by persistently apologizing when she eats, joining Weight Watchers, and choosing to ignore the cry for help at the dinner table. As a regular in their household, it’s been hard to watch and harder still not to say anything for fear of being shut out entirely. I’ve used my presence as an opportunity to change the dialogue when I can, but it’s hard speaking to a room full of deaf ears. I finally did say something when the negative talk was directed at me and as expected, my comment, despite coming from love, was met with a “Nah, I’m not worried about that.”
Stress is a huge culprit here. According to the Eating Recovery Center, “childhood stress is typically: personal, interpersonal, interfamilial, or global (a stress reaction to national or world news).”
Age is not a factor: Children of all ages experience stress, though they may express it differently.
Children are vulnerable.
Children respond differently to the stress in their environment.
Stress is cumulative. Adults aren’t the only one’s who can “only take so much.”
Change is stressful. Even positive change. I am reminded here of reorganizing a room in my house and my son getting utterly overwhelmed even though the change was positive. Our nervous systems are indifferent to our whims and desire to pile on more and more and the fact that we all may have a different response is something to be noted and respected.
Parents and adults alike would be wise to open a dialogue with their kids about stress and one’s perceptions of how things are. In the case of my young eating disorder study, dad is never around and only available on weekends; when he is there, he’s impatient and obsessively exercising or on his computer—detached from everyone. This provides a huge source of stress for her and for the rest of her family. Unfortunately, this has been weaved into her negative self talk and commentary about her family and hinders her relationships with others and with food. She’s angry, stressed out, and starving herself in response.
What can we do? We can start with the following:
Be an example of positive body talk.
Talk to our kids. Be open and honest, but be loving.
Eat mindfully. Turn off the TV. Make mealtime a place of solace and connection.
Don’t talk about stressful subjects at the dinner table. In other words: keep it light.
Don’t use food or eating as a means of punishment. (You’re going to bed without dinner).
Encourage self-care and self-love: At dinner, ask each person to express one thing they are grateful for.
Cook together. Show them that food isn’t the enemy.
Go on hikes or family walks.
Have family meetings. We do them council style in my house. It makes a world of difference.
Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help.
Be honest with your therapist. They can’t help you if you hold back.
Find a support group—being alone with your child or family is in crisis is too much for anyone.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of those around you.
If you’re worried that your son or daughter might be developing an eating disorder (note: boys are not immune to this!), look out for some of these signs.
(Please note, certain behaviors are warning signs, but in combination and over time, they can become quite serious):
Behaviors specific to anorexia:
Major weight loss (weighs 85% of normal weight for height or less)
Skips meals, always has an excuse for not eating (ill, just ate with a friend, stressed-out, not hungry).
Refuses to eat in front of others
Selects only low fat items with low nutrient levels, such as lettuce, tomatoes, and sprouts.
Reads food labels religiously; worried about calories and fat grams in foods.
Eats very small portions of foods
Becomes revolted by former favorite foods, such as desserts, red meats, potatoes
May help with meal shopping and preparation, but doesn’t eat with family
Eats in ritualistic ways, such as cutting food into small pieces or pushing food around plate
Lies about how much food was eaten
Has fears about weight gain and obesity, obsesses about clothing size. Complains about being fat, when in truth it is not so
Inspects image in mirror frequently, weighs self frequently
Exercises excessively and compulsively
May wear baggy clothing or many layers of clothing to hide weight loss and to stay warm
May become moody and irritable or have trouble concentrating. Denies that anything is wrong
May harm self with cutting or burning
Evidence of discarded packaging for diet pills, laxatives, or diuretics (water pills)
Stops menstruating
Has dry skin and hair, may have a growth of fine hair over body
May faint or feel dizzy frequently
Behaviors specific to bulimia
Preoccupation or anxiety about weight and shape
Disappearance of large quantities of food
Excuses self to go to the bathroom immediately after meals
Evidence of discarded packaging for laxatives, diuretics, enemas
May exercise compulsively
May skip meals at times
Teeth may develop cavities or enamel erosion
Broken blood vessels in the eyes from self-induced vomiting
Swollen salivary glands (swelling under the chin)
Calluses across the joints of the fingers from self-induced vomiting
May be evidence of alcohol or drug abuse, including steroid use
Possible self-harm behaviors, including cutting and burning
If you notice even one of these, it’s time to address it. Talk to your daughter or son, talk to your doctor. If necessary, elicit the help of a treatment facility. In other words: Get help. Showing our kids that we care and are willing to stop our own negative behaviors in order to help them is invaluable. It’s a family problem, not an individual one.
After the initial revelation of finding ourselves on a path to recovery, we have to get into action. Our first course of action is to find a sponsor: someone capable of leading us on the path toward taking responsibility for our actions. In the world outside of recovery, sponsors are those who vouch for you or who act as your benefactor. In recovery, however, a sponsor’s role is quite different. Their role isn’t to vouch for you but rather to guide you through the 12 steps. In more apt terms, your sponsor is more like a mentor.
When looking for someone to sponsor you, look for:
An individual of the same sex. Yes, you can have a sponsor of the opposite sex, but it’s more beneficial to you and has less potential for complications if sponsorship is gender specific.
Someone who has what you want. I’m not talking cars, finances or partner, but someone whose spiritual life and sense of self is something you can strive toward or which you admire.
An individual whom you can trust. If there’s any reluctance, look to someone else.
Find someone whose actions reflect his or her words. A sponsor who functions under the guise of “do as I say, not as I do,” is not the one for you.
Someone whose recovery inspires you.
When you have finally found someone with whom you are willing to do the work:
Call them, even when you don’t need anything. If you don’t have that relationship developed, you won’t call them when things are tough.
Be consistent. Remember the lengths you would take to use? Apply that same sense of urgency to your recovery.
If you think you made the wrong choice, realize it’s ok to move on. It’s your recovery, not theirs.
Your sponsor (is):
A guide
Spiritual
Kind
Honest
Tough when necessary
Works a program
Your sponsor is not:
An ATM
Your therapist
Your parent
Your best friend
A guru
Your lawyer
Your higher power
Perfect
If you are looking for a sponsor, keep this in mind: Finding the “right”sponsor may take time. If you are having issues beyond the reach of the 12 steps, your sponsor should ultimately ask that you seek professional help. They are morally obligated to do so. Remember, the basic tenants of sponsorship is to take you through the steps.
