Adolescence Parenting Recovery

Family Dinners

P.C. Goins, section foreman, and family eat di...

“Family dinners: they’re not old-fashioned, they’re just good sense!”

I was reminded of this sentiment when I saw John Lieberman’s tweet a couple of days ago that said, “So, dinner is a good thing!” He was referring to this article, but his message reminded me that beyond the scientific studies, which dutifully illustrate the downfalls of families who don’t have regular family dinners, time together with family at mealtime is truly precious. It’s the time when the hub-bub of work/school/extracurricular activities, et cetera, can become secondary so we can plug into family connection.

When I was a kid growing up with a single mom and living a rather impoverished life, one of the most consistent things my mom did was insist we sit down together every night for dinner. While my household wasn’t short on dysfunction, the value of creating real family time at meals was paramount to my mom. It didn’t matter what the meal was, though–what mattered was the time spent together, checking in with each other. In my particular family, this regularity came to a halt during my teen years; looking back, I see how those years are a definitive time for connecting and building character; I wish there had been more “normalcy” in that regard. Still, I continue the tradition of family dinners in my own life, but my goal is to maintain the community structure beyond the formative years of early childhood and tween life so I can carry it into the confusing years of adolescence. My own experience proves to me that meal time can and should become a time of unwinding and check-ins if the environment is healthy enough.

From the scientific perspective, the positive outcome of having a regular family dinner is clearly laid out: When The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASAColumbiaTM) “examined the link between the frequency of family dinners and the quality of teens’ relationships with their parents,” they discovered that “the frequency with which teens attend religious services and how much parents know about what’s going on in their children’s lives,” relates to the “likelihood of teens’ marijuana, alcohol and tobacco use.” The thing is, family dinners show potential for inclusivity. If the dynamic of a family dinner is healthy, kids will ultimately be provided a safe “container” for feeling their feelings, talking about what’s really going on, and allowing themselves to drop down into emotional safety.

While not all family dynamics are conducive to healthy family dinners, it should be noted that there is intrinsic value to forming this connectivity if circumstances allow. My son is prone to complaining and pessimism—it’s just his personality, so to help him see there is more to life than a half-empty glass and annoying school mates, we often use family dinners to go around the table and share three things that happened that day for which we are grateful. Those three statements of gratitude often spark the opportunity for conversations we wouldn’t ordinarily have, which leads to that connectivity I’m talking about.

Families in recovery are strongly urged to reignite this tradition, even if you start with one or two family dinners a week, you will see a change toward the positive. In truth,  family dinners are a wonderful addition to your toolbox for reconnection. Try it. Heck, cook together and include some team building!


Social Media: Helpful or Harmful?

The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University’s (CASA Columbia) recently published
their 16th annual back-to-school survey which takes a look at adolescent behaviors regarding substance abuse in relation to social media. CASA Columbia took a look at American teens ages 12-17, their social media use and how it might ultimately affect their alcohol and drug abuse behaviors, and parent involvement or lack thereof. The findings, though not terribly surprising, were substantial: “70% of teens report spending time on social networking sites on a typical day,” which come out to approximately 17 million 12-17 year olds doing participating in some sort of social media activity on a typical day.
With the naturally uncensored dynamics of teen behavior, the typical day-to-day posts can range anywhere from being tagged in a drunken photo from the previous weekend’s house party to the false braggadocio of one’s sexual prowess. From the outside looking in, sites like Facebook and MySpace certainly show implications of promoting an environment of peer pressure. After looking at the results from this study, that impression is pretty spot on:

“Compared to teens that have never seen pictures of kids getting drunk, passed out, or using drugs on social networking sites, teens that have seen these images are:
• Three times likelier to use alcohol;
• Four times likelier to use marijuana;
• Four times likelier to be able to get marijuana, almost three times likelier to be able to get controlled prescription drugs without a prescription, and more than twice as likely to be able to get alcohol in a day or less; and
• Much likelier to have friends and classmates who abuse illegal and prescription drugs.”

Where parents tend to fall flat is in relation to their ignorance and denial of the powerful effects of suggestion, a key factor associated with the subversive allure of social media sites. Parents must be careful not to adopt the “Not my child” attitude and get informed instead. According to the CASA study, “Eighty-seven percent of parents said they think spending time on social networking sites does not make it more likely their child will drink alcohol; 89 percent of parents felt it would not make their child more likely to use drugs.” That’s not a particularly positive result, and frankly, it confirms the high level of denial that aids and abets the social media petri dish of reckless behavior.
This isn’t hopeless, though. The results of the CASA study present an opportunity for change. It’s a chance for us fuddy-duddy adults to learn to look at the world from the lenses of our kids. We were teens once, too, and though memories are often clouded, it behooves us to remember that we were once reckless and secretive and convinced that our parents were the enemy. Joseph A. Califano, Jr., CASA Columbia’s Founder and Chairman and former U.S. Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare suggests the need for parents to “give their children the will and skill to keep their heads above the water of the corrupting cultural currents their children must navigate.” While I agree that our kids need the skills and strength of character to manage social media, I think we need to be careful not to incite a sense of imminent fear, but instead look at the results of this study as something from which we can nurture an opportunity for behavioral metamorphosis. Growing up is scary enough.
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