When we come to recovery, one of the toughest realizations is the discovery of family dysfunction and the work it takes to heal those relationships. Sometimes when we heal, our families don’t heal with us. Being the addict or alcoholic or person suffering from mental illness typically makes us the focal point within the dysfunctional family. So when the healing process begins, it’s not uncommon for a family to try and divert their loved one back to their old behaviors or at least to their old emotional responses. It is what’s familiar, after all. It’s what allows the family to take the focus away from what’s happening within the family dynamic and redirect it onto the “problem.”
How often do we drink, use, starve, self-harm, et cetera, in an attempt to “manage” our discomfort and disconnection within our families? It’s not uncommon for these behaviors to be a direct response to a family’s dysfunction. Sometimes a family will continue to batter and abuse, or enable, all of which evidence their own negative interactions. In this case, the dysfunctional paradigm of the unhealthy family dynamic hasn’t changed, even though you may have. In recovery, we begin to set healthy boundaries with those who persistently spew harmful behaviors our way, but no one says creating those boundaries would be easy. It takes consistent and ardent work coupled with attention to our own reactions to our environments to effect real change.
We work with families all the time at Visions. Many, if not most of our families jump on board and get involved in Al-Anon, make efforts to shift their actions and parenting styles, actively go into therapy, and accept help and suggestions from our clinical staff. They honestly do their best to mend the familial fabric and understand that recovery is a family process. Still, there are some whose own dysfunction prevents the acceptance of help and promotes a culture of denial. In those cases, it’s imperative that boundaries are established and self-care is modeled effectively. In doing this, we allow our light to shine through; we allow our healing to flourish; we allow people into our lives that are safe, kind, and supportive. Being in recovery is a process, and within that process, our internal light gets brighter and stronger.
Visions offers family groups, parent groups, and multiple teen groups in our various facilities. These groups support the individual and their needs as well as the family and its needs. The wounds created by addiction and mental health can and do heal. Therapeutic groups provide a safe container for that process to begin. They build trust and encourage peer support, something urgently necessary in treatment and recovery. We really can’t figure this stuff out for ourselves! It takes a community of clinical and peer support, love, and patience, and healthy boundaries.
We are pleased to welcome Dr. Georgina Smith, Ph.D to the Visions clinical team. She has been working with adults, families, and children since 2001, making her vast knowledge of neurofeedback and Dialectical Behavorial Therapy (DBT) accessible to a wide range of clientele. Dr. Smith specializes in treating survivors of trauma, abuse, and those suffering from eating disorders, and addiction. She also treats individuals suffering from chronic depression, self-injury, mood, personality, and anxiety disorders. Her knowledge and use of neurofeedback and DBT allows her to help her clients in a way that empowers them be engaged in their own recovery. Dr. Smith’s approach is holistic, and caring, and she ardently believes in ensuring that her clients feel seen. Her work with adolescents has built an authentic treatment style where she is able to form a genuine connection with her clients, so they feel seen, heard, validated and challenged. Dr. Smith encourages them to be ok in the skin they’re in. That particular tenant of treatment spreads healing throughout one’s mind, body, and spirit.
With the addition of Dr. Georgina Smith, clients have access to DBT in all phases of their treatment. DBT, in particular, is one of the most efficacious treatments for mood disorders, namely Borderline Personality Disorder. DBT uses mindfulness, self-awareness, and skill building in the areas of trauma, emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness and crisis management. One of the most remarkable pieces of DBT is its effectiveness in teaching clients to regulate their emotions and recognize when they are becoming deregulated. Self-awareness in someone trying to manage extreme emotions is undeniably helpful.
Currently, Dr. Smith is seeing Visions’ clients for DBT as well as running a DBT group on a weekly basis. We are looking forward to working with Dr. Smith and are excited to have her as part of our clinical staff. She is down to earth, and brings a sense of realness to her groups and throughout her clinical practice. She says it best, “So many of the kids I’ve worked with are struggling to make sense of things they’ve been through, struggling with their sense of self and others, and a confusing, chaotic world. The space I create with them is about being ok wherever they are, whoever they are, so we can open the doors to choice and change. It is about ownership, realness & empowerment.” Welcome to the VTeam, Georgina!
Addiction and mental health are deeply woven into the fabric of our culture. Rather than stigmatizing those suffering from the confines of their minds and addictions of their bodies, it’s clear we need to provide wider ranges of treatment for recovery. Over the Visions has broadened our treatment base, continued to step away from the prohibitive nature of limited thinking, and are continuing to encompass the whole person in treatment. I just read an article that talked about the use of antiquated treatment methods circa 1950, and I was pleasantly reminded of how forward we are in our treatment programs.
Our mental health track has broadened to include the treatment of trauma, provide DBT for all levels of treatment, and allow for alternative methods of support when the 12-step model isn’t appropriate. Recovery isn’t one-size-fits-all, and we recognize that. Our therapists and staff devise a treatment plan appropriate for each client, supporting their individual needs while also providing them with the treatment they need. We can begin to find solace in therapeutic care, safety in our own bodies, and space in our hearts to heal from the deep wounds of our hurts. We will find that there are answers to the most difficult questions if we are ready and willing to do the work. To give up when things are painful or when the shadows are looming cease being a choice when a skillful clinical and support staff supports you.
Remember, healing is a process, not an easy 28-day fix. Recovery is a life-long practice that we engage in one day at a time, and some days, one moment at a time. Many of us want everything right here, right now, supersized, and fast: the typical “quick fix.” Recovery isn’t like that. Allow yourself the chance to slow down and catch your breath. Allow yourself to let go and accept help. Our brains and bodies can recover and learn to hold space for our trauma and addictions in ways that are safe and kind to us as individuals.
Try this for good measure. Find a group of friends whom you trust and feel safe with; make a pact to text each other “.b” (stop-breathe) when you are feeling overwhelmed or when you want to have a unified moment of mindfulness between you and a friend. By doing something as simple as this, we can create a chain of positive healing instead of polishing the old standby chain of sickness. We can recover.
A while back, I wrote about a child of 8 years old who was showing early signs of disordered eating behaviors. As noted at that time, the behavior was fueled by a father with his own poor relationship around food and a mother who is also victimized by his negative body and food talk. I’ve watching this child over the last year, hoping I was wrong, but knowing more and more that the signs I was seeing were none other than an eating disorder being nurtured and fed by self-hatred, stress, and a negative environment. Her organization of food has gotten more intense, as has her open disgust around whatever is on her plate. It’s not so much about being “fat” but more about her discernment around eating a growing number of “certain” foods.
There’s stress all around this kid: her father is impatient and fixated on his own weight and body image. Her mom is reacting to his actions by persistently apologizing when she eats, joining Weight Watchers, and choosing to ignore the cry for help at the dinner table. As a regular in their household, it’s been hard to watch and harder still not to say anything for fear of being shut out entirely. I’ve used my presence as an opportunity to change the dialogue when I can, but it’s hard speaking to a room full of deaf ears. I finally did say something when the negative talk was directed at me and as expected, my comment, despite coming from love, was met with a “Nah, I’m not worried about that.”
Stress is a huge culprit here. According to the Eating Recovery Center, “childhood stress is typically: personal, interpersonal, interfamilial, or global (a stress reaction to national or world news).”
Age is not a factor: Children of all ages experience stress, though they may express it differently.
Children are vulnerable.
Children respond differently to the stress in their environment.
Stress is cumulative. Adults aren’t the only one’s who can “only take so much.”
Change is stressful. Even positive change. I am reminded here of reorganizing a room in my house and my son getting utterly overwhelmed even though the change was positive. Our nervous systems are indifferent to our whims and desire to pile on more and more and the fact that we all may have a different response is something to be noted and respected.
Parents and adults alike would be wise to open a dialogue with their kids about stress and one’s perceptions of how things are. In the case of my young eating disorder study, dad is never around and only available on weekends; when he is there, he’s impatient and obsessively exercising or on his computer—detached from everyone. This provides a huge source of stress for her and for the rest of her family. Unfortunately, this has been weaved into her negative self talk and commentary about her family and hinders her relationships with others and with food. She’s angry, stressed out, and starving herself in response.
What can we do? We can start with the following:
Be an example of positive body talk.
Talk to our kids. Be open and honest, but be loving.
Eat mindfully. Turn off the TV. Make mealtime a place of solace and connection.
Don’t talk about stressful subjects at the dinner table. In other words: keep it light.
Don’t use food or eating as a means of punishment. (You’re going to bed without dinner).
Encourage self-care and self-love: At dinner, ask each person to express one thing they are grateful for.
Cook together. Show them that food isn’t the enemy.
Go on hikes or family walks.
Have family meetings. We do them council style in my house. It makes a world of difference.
Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help.
Be honest with your therapist. They can’t help you if you hold back.
Find a support group—being alone with your child or family is in crisis is too much for anyone.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of those around you.
If you’re worried that your son or daughter might be developing an eating disorder (note: boys are not immune to this!), look out for some of these signs.
(Please note, certain behaviors are warning signs, but in combination and over time, they can become quite serious):
Behaviors specific to anorexia:
Major weight loss (weighs 85% of normal weight for height or less)
Skips meals, always has an excuse for not eating (ill, just ate with a friend, stressed-out, not hungry).
Refuses to eat in front of others
Selects only low fat items with low nutrient levels, such as lettuce, tomatoes, and sprouts.
Reads food labels religiously; worried about calories and fat grams in foods.
Eats very small portions of foods
Becomes revolted by former favorite foods, such as desserts, red meats, potatoes
May help with meal shopping and preparation, but doesn’t eat with family
Eats in ritualistic ways, such as cutting food into small pieces or pushing food around plate
Lies about how much food was eaten
Has fears about weight gain and obesity, obsesses about clothing size. Complains about being fat, when in truth it is not so
Inspects image in mirror frequently, weighs self frequently
Exercises excessively and compulsively
May wear baggy clothing or many layers of clothing to hide weight loss and to stay warm
May become moody and irritable or have trouble concentrating. Denies that anything is wrong
May harm self with cutting or burning
Evidence of discarded packaging for diet pills, laxatives, or diuretics (water pills)
Stops menstruating
Has dry skin and hair, may have a growth of fine hair over body
May faint or feel dizzy frequently
Behaviors specific to bulimia
Preoccupation or anxiety about weight and shape
Disappearance of large quantities of food
Excuses self to go to the bathroom immediately after meals
Evidence of discarded packaging for laxatives, diuretics, enemas
May exercise compulsively
May skip meals at times
Teeth may develop cavities or enamel erosion
Broken blood vessels in the eyes from self-induced vomiting
Swollen salivary glands (swelling under the chin)
Calluses across the joints of the fingers from self-induced vomiting
May be evidence of alcohol or drug abuse, including steroid use
Possible self-harm behaviors, including cutting and burning
If you notice even one of these, it’s time to address it. Talk to your daughter or son, talk to your doctor. If necessary, elicit the help of a treatment facility. In other words: Get help. Showing our kids that we care and are willing to stop our own negative behaviors in order to help them is invaluable. It’s a family problem, not an individual one.
Recently I was asked, “What’s the difference between forgiveness and compassion?” Unearthed from a discussion about childhood trauma, recovery, and parents, the discussion had evolved to spirituality and Buddhist practice and the ways in which we can make space for the trauma and hurt of our pasts. There is an answer, of course, but I often find that questions such as these are best answered via experiential stories. Both forgiveness and compassion require that we practice some level of self-acceptance; in order to be forgiving or able to show compassion to others, we have to be able to provide ourselves with the same thing. This, in its very essence, requires patience and dedication. Changing one’s worldview is tough, and not something most of do without some elements of resistance.
To forgive, we must be ready to let go of our anger and resentment toward someone or something. However, the meaning of forgiveness that I prefer is simply “letting go.” The act of compassion is the desire to alleviate the suffering of others. In other words, it is showing care for others while understanding that they are fully responsible for their actions. It doesn’t mean that we are justifying their behavior; instead, by being compassionate, we are making space for others to have their experiences without attaching our reactions to them. This doesn’t come easy. I can tell you from experience that the first few years of my recovery were filled with justified anger. I couldn’t see past my own resentment and fear, hurt and trauma. There simply wasn’t space for that and I wasn’t fortunate enough to have someone in my life to teach me how to create that space. Things have definitely evolved in the world of recovery.
Most of us come to recovery at the lowest points of our lives, finding that addiction and mental illness have negatively impacted our self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, and self-image, among other things. We have a laundry list of harms that have been committed against us and another list of wrongs we committed against others. As with any list, you have to check things off one at a time. However, when we are in the midst of the “fight or flight” response (survival mode), we are actually at the polar opposite of forgiveness and compassion. Try to start simply. It’s the small things that often make the biggest differences in our lives.
Be kind to yourself.
Ask for help.
Feel your feelings, but understand they aren’t facts.
Pause. When we are stressed, we get busy. It detracts from the stress, but it also disallows us to deal what’s really going on within.
Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. ― Pema Chödrön
Acceptance is a facet of recovery that challenges many of us. It can be the impetus for pushback and resistance regardless of how much sober/recovery time one has. Initially, we begin by learning to accept the basics of recovery: our powerlessness, our mental health, and our addictions. As we progress, the areas in which we may need acceptance shift, or broaden, and the work continues. We may ask ourselves why we are not where we think we should be in our lives, and finding acceptance around that can be a thorny process. It means holding space for the fact that our addiction or mental illness more than likely postponed our hopes and expectations of being doctors or lawyers or from saving the world from zombies. Don’t worry; you can still do all of these things, though not on your original schedule. In fact, you may find yourself capable of doing a heck of a lot more!
Another difficulty for a some folks is the time and energy spent trying to please others. People-pleasing behaviors are pretty common when a lack of acceptance is involved. Behaviors like:
Shifting one’s reality—environment, opinions, friends, likes, dislikes–in order to please others.
Ignoring your own needs (see above)
Seeking approval from others in an effort to find happiness
Making others more important than yourself
Being inauthentic or a chameleon in order to “fit in”
Sure, accepting that we are enough as we are is not easy, especially at first. We ask for “spiritual progress not perfection,” right? However, we may be asking ourselves why we aren’t prettier, thinner, or more handsome, or why we don’t have better clothes or that cool car, or that guy or that girl. These thoughts are harmful, not helpful. As we create this ever-growing list of what we think we should have versus what we do have, we will come to find acceptance moving further and further away. Bottom line is, negative self-talk is terribly detrimental to the recovery process. It prevents us from being in the “here and now.” It prevents us from loving ourselves, which makes it more of a challenge to love others. It disallows us to accept love into our own lives. Our efforts to please others or subscribe to the expectations of others act as a filter that prevents change yet encourages codependence.
Acceptance takes time. It takes effort. It takes willingness. It is understanding that things are as they are: you pay your taxes, you obey the speed limit, you listen to your parents, you don’t drink and use, you practice self-care, you go to meetings and call your sponsor, and you take direction.
Surely, the challenges that lead to or distract from acceptance are many; in truth, writing it is even a bit nebulous because the concept is almost undefinable. Frankly, acceptance is best learned and discovered by simply beginning to take contrary actions that lead to letting go of old behaviors so we can be less reactive and more accepting in the face of adversity and discomfort. To aptly quote Joseph Rogers, “It’s easier to work with the laws of the universe than to bash our heads against them.”
So you made resolutions to stay sober in the New Year, now what?
Like most of us, you made a bunch of lofty resolutions, some of which may seem daunting and unattainable when looked at with the eyes of reality in the cold of January. Maybe the hangover of the holidays made you realize you need to listen to that inner voice telling you this isn’t how life is supposed to be, and maybe, just maybe you need to get sober. Perhaps you’re thinking, “How am I ever going to be able to live without drugs and alcohol? How can I learn to be comfortable in my own skin?”
Fortunately, the world did not end this past year, instead we have an incredible opportunity to create our own metaphorical “calendar” wherein we can make healthier, saner choices for the years to come. This isn’t a calendar that includes doomsday prophesies and holidays sponsored by a beer company. This is a calendar that celebrates caring for ourselves and healing our relationships. From here on out, we have the chance to make every day a step closer to being the person we are capable of being, potentially making those resolutions become reality.
So, how do we go about doing this? I recently tweeted about an article from the Huffington Post that listed some suggestions for spiritual success as a foundation to our resolutions—the suggestions mirror much of what we talk about in our blog and were nice to see out there in the digital ether. I thought some of them were worth reiterating here because these practices and ideologies are key in supporting our recovery and enriching our sober lives. We have to start somewhere, right? This is how we do it!
Make the decision to care for yourself and get sober. You don’t have to live in misery anymore. Recovery isn’t easy, but it’s not has difficult as carrying the shame and guilt associated with our using behavior.
Seal the deal and make it public. Tell the people who care about you the most. That means people OTHER THAN your using friends.
Find a sober community that supports you: 12-step groups, meditation groups, mental health support, or all of the above!
Practice asking for help: this will save your bum more than you know. It’s amazing when you eventually realize how much easier things are when you don’t have to do them alone!
Remember: no more doomsday prophecies be they spiritual, metaphorical, or literal. We can do this recovery thing…one step at a time!
Making the decision to send your child to teen rehab is emotionally complex. It takes great courage to pick up the phone and ask for help when your family is in crisis. Harder yet is the process of following through and accepting the help you are given. A suffering teen, who is spiraling quickly down the rabbit hole of addiction and mental health isn’t exactly a pillar of willingness; parents are sure to be confronted with resentment and resistance. The truth is, a teen who is in trouble more than likely won’t look at going to a teen rehab as a viable option, let alone a necessity. For some, however, it is a life-saving necessity.
As we enter into our second decade of service, we want you to know you have a safe refuge to turn to. At Visions, we have built a treatment facility ready to provide you with the tools to heal from the wounds of addiction and mental illness, while providing you with the skills to love without crossing the boundaries into co-dependence. We have two residential houses: one that caters to mental health issues and one to addiction. We also have an outpatient facility, a day school, and a young adult program, and gender specific sober living facilities. The varying levels of care we provide are broad. Teen rehab need no longer be considered a frightening place to send your adolescent, but rather a refuge for your teen to heal and rediscover a space of emotional and physical safety.
Curious about whether or not your child needs teen rehab? Check for these warning signs:
Is your child away from home for long periods of time and unable to communicate where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing?
When they do come home, do they beeline for their room, making no eye contact or conversation?
Is there a profound change in behavior: is your child especially angry or easily agitated or are they showing signs of depressions or apathy?
Are their grades suddenly dropping?
Has their social circle suddenly changed?
Have they radically altered their appearance in some way?
Are their moods markedly changing?
Has there been an abrupt change in weight?
Some parents are fortunate enough to have a child who attempts transparency and who tells them they have been using. Keep this in mind: if your child does tell you they’ve tried drugs or are doing drugs, you more than likely need to multiply the amount by 3, if not more. Teen rehab isn’t just about your teen; it provides a space for the family to heal as a unit. A teen using drugs and alcohol, cutting, or starving themself is voicelessly begging for help. As parents, we have to step outside of that place of blame and anger to help our teen step on a path to recovery. Teen rehab can facilitate that process.
‘Tis New Year’s Eve and I have to say, 2012 has been amazing. We celebrated 10 years of service, continued our diligent efforts of care and expanded upon our mental health track, got a facelift at our Brentwood facility, and expanded our programs. We are blessed to have a team of people who are imbibed with the love and passion it takes to work in the field of recovery. Visions is a family, pure and simple, and whose primary purpose is to be of service to one another.
Over the past year, we have celebrated many of our team in our Anniversary blogs. However, we are far from done! The anniversary blogs will continue into 2013, so we can honor those whose altruism and sheer kindness form the foundational brick and mortar of the Visions team.
For those of you new to the path of recovery: stay connected. Your sober network provides a wonderful net on which to rest when things get tough or scary. The work of sobriety and mental health is a long process, but one that is well worth the effort. If I could say one thing to you at the end of this year it is this: when things get tough, or frightening, and the shadows of your trauma is looming, turn toward it. Sounds counter intuitive, but when we look directly at that which frightens us, we take its power. Shadows have the capacity to thin and dissipate, and in doing so, they eventually lose their opacity and their power.
It is with great excitement and joy that I wish you all a wonderful, safe, sober, and sane New Year. May the winds of change bring you love and happiness, and most of all healing to whatever path you’re on. Let yourself be loved. You are worth it.
It’s the end of the year, and for recovering addicts, alcoholics, and those suffering from mental health issues, it can be a frightening time. We place on onslaught of expectations on others and ourselves as we seek perfection and immediate change via resolutions and hyped up promised to ourselves. In many ways, this can be a set up for failure, especially for the addict/alcoholic who has to do everythingallatonce. You know, who else wants to join a gym and work out every day for 3 hours with a trainer 7 days a week while also giving up meat and going vegan? What, that’s not reasonable? Sheesh. Can’t we do everything? The honest answer is no, at least not all at once.
Okay, so the New Year metaphorically represents a time of renewal and an opportunity to commit to personal change. Recovery teaches us not to place too much pressure on ourselves as we begin to make change. We are encouraged to take baby steps. In the beginning of the recovery process, the foundation we stand upon is tenuous; working steps, getting a sponsor, being of service is part of our construction process. We are building a foundation one action at a time. Mental health recovery requires us to work hard and consistently to broaden the safe, healing ground on which we stand. Resting on our laurels is simply not an option. Holiday time and end of year shenanigans make recovery work imperative; there is no reprieve.
Before you get overwhelmed with resolutions, how to deal with parties, peer pressures, and goals of perceived perfection: stop. Just stop. This isn’t an opportunity to beat yourself up or wallow in the what-ifs and I-should-haves, nor is it the opportunity to kick your feet up and rest. This is the time to take things one minute at a time.
Call your sponsor.
Take your medication—even if you feel better!!
Surround yourself with friends who are supportive of your new path.
Make plans that include having safe, sober fun.
And don’t forget to have a sober dance party.
This time of year presents the perfect time to be of service and to practice self-care. Our mental health depends on it. Embrace your new self. You are beautiful and enough, just as you are.
