Month: November 2012

Categories
Feelings Recovery

Facing Our Shame

Science Fiction League (March 1958) … The Real You (July 6, 2011 / 4 Tammuz 5771) … (Photo credit: marsmet541)

SHAME
noun

“A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety” 

2“A condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute.”

Shame is that biting, gnawing feeling in your gut after a lie or petty theft, or sexual indiscretion, drunken blackout, or drugged psychoses. It is the “what the hell did I just do?” feeling we face when we walk or crawl our way into recovery. It is often the impetus for doing the same thing over and over again once we get here. Recovery doesn’t magically make it go away.  Oh, in case you were hoping for exemption, shame is impervious to age, economic status, race, gender.  If anything, it is addiction and mental health’s close cousin.

According to John Bradshaw there are two types of shame: “innate shame” and “toxic/life-destroying shame.” Innate shame is what will allow you to have discretion BEFORE you do something. The toxic/life-destroying shame usually happens later, after the act, when you can’t take it back. This emotion is the greasy residue of your reckless behaviors. Toxic/life-destroying shame is what separates you from others and from yourself. I believe this is where addiction sinks its teeth and feeds into this vicious, emotive cycle.

When we are new in recovery, the shame is overwhelming. There is regret and then more regret. There is anger about the regret and then shame for feeling the anger. Feeling dizzy yet? Being new is a dizzying experience. When we are using, we respond to our shame by using more, drinking more, starving more, eating more, cutting more. Shame begets shame. In recovery, we have the propensity to do the same thing. This time, instead of drugs and alcohol, we turn to other vices. Perhaps it’s gambling, or sexual indiscretions, or the internet. The list goes on. The shame of our actions can therefore make it more difficult to get or stay sober. Again, we have to face the shame head on. But we can’t do it alone.

If you are in treatment, you are in a remarkable place to address this. Treatment provides a safe container for the focused, internal work necessary to learning about processing shame. It allows one to begin to break the patterns of behavior that feed toxic/life-destroying shame. You learn to create boundaries for yourself–sometimes that might mean limiting contact with individuals whose knee-jerk response is to automatically shame you.  When you’re in treatment, you can face shame without falling into the chasm of addiction or a weakened state of mental health. As I mentioned, we cannot overcome this debilitating faction of toxic shame alone: we need a community of others to support us. Being in treatment provides that initial, healing community of support.

To really dissect shame and look at its underbelly layer-by-layer would take thousands of words. It’s complicated, this shame business, because it is a natural emotion living in all of us. What we must begin to do is eradicate the harmful type of shame that drives us into the vicious cycle of addiction and negative behaviors. We will come to see the shaming behavior of others and be able to protect ourselves using healthy boundaries and a firm sense of self-love.  John Bradshaw addresses this issue eloquently in Healing the Shame that Binds You. He deconstructs shame and its many faces beautifully. Once we can stare it in the face, we can stop living in the hell of addiction and begin to love ourselves for who we really are.

“Hell, in my opinion, is never finding your true self and never living your own life or knowing who you are.”

John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame That Binds You

Categories
Addiction Adolescence Smoking

Smoking: Not So Cool Anymore

Smoking Alone… (Photo credit: Dr. Jaus)

When I was growing up, smoking was emblematic of the Outsiders or James Dean or the Marlboro man. It was a symbol of “cool,” or of being a rebel or a badass. I grew up with tobacco ads emblazoned upon billboards across Los Angeles and littering the pages of magazines. What could possibly be wrong with smoking if it looked so cool, right? Wrong. Did you know that the three men who held the role of the Marlboro Man eventually died of lung cancer, and the infamous brand ended up with the nickname “Cowboy Killers“?  Still, it wasn’t until 1999 that smoking billboards were ultimately replaced with anti-smoking ads, despite efforts toward the prohibition of tobacco advertising building for years.

Finally, in 2009, the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act went into effect. The Act requires placement of new warnings and labels on tobacco packaging and in tobacco ads; its ultimate goal is to deter minors and young adults from using tobacco products. Tobacco companies are also required to seek FDA approval for new products. But why am I talking legal Acts and advertising,  or reminiscing about the Marlboro Man? Because statistics gathered from a recent are showing us that teens are, in fact, finally smoking less! The full results of the survey done by the National Survey on Drug Use and Health can be found here.  However, I’ll give you a brief window into what the results showed. Perhaps those terrifying, graphic warnings are finally starting to work.

According to this study:

  • 1 in 11 (8.7 percent) adolescents smoked cigarettes in the past month.
  • Rates of adolescent past month cigarette use ranged from 5.9 percent in Utah to 13.5 percent in Wyoming
  • 10 States with the highest rates of past month cigarette use among adolescents, 4 were in the Midwest (Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, and Ohio)
  • Of the States with the lowest rates of past month cigarette use among adolescents, 5 were in the West (California, Hawaii, Nevada, Utah, and Washington)

Teen perceptions of the danger of smoking are increasing:  2 in every 3 adolescents recognize that smoking is dangerous. This is a good thing. It would appear that smoking is no longer seen as cool. If anything, smoking has been relegated to outside locations, where smokers are allowed to smoke in small, outdoor spaces, which are a specified distance away from any doors. Smoking in this day and age would really just be a pain in the rear. The recent laws and views toward smoking have made it really a challenge for those who want to indulge. At this point, why bother?

Categories
Addiction Adolescence Mental Health Recovery Treatment

Adolescent Residential Treatment: Visions Style

Adolescent residential treatment can seem like a daunting place to send your child, even if the situation warrants it. We know how overwhelming adolescent addiction and mental illness is to the family and friends of the person or people suffering. There is fear, anger, shame, love, fury, disappointment, numbness, and depression, among other things, which typically surface in a family affected by addiction. That’s where a safe container for healing is necessary, and it is also where adolescent residential treatment comes in.

 

Visions adolescent residential treatment is unique because we make every effort to provide individualized treatment for our clients. We understand there is no one-size-fits-all treatment for addiction and mental illness and we also are aware that no two clients are the same. For example, a client suffering from trauma will participate in an expressive dance class to encourage the trauma to exit their body. Or a surfer who looks to the ocean for spiritual growth will surf as part of their treatment plan. If someone comes into our adolescent residential treatment facility with mental-health issues or their primary addiction is gaming or love addiction, we modify our step-one packet to meet their specific needs. For example, we might take some of our clients to a local Buddhism in Recovery group  (in addition to the usual 12-step groups) where they are able to confront their addiction issues and find cohesive support in a different but safe setting. We essentially provide options above and beyond the normative curriculum in many adolescent residential treatment facilities.

 

Student-led groups are encouraged. They not only empower the clients, they teach them to walk through their fears while honoring their process of recovery. We offer art therapy with the amazing Susan “the Art Lady” O’Conner, equine therapy, music groups, nutrition counseling, and we have both eating disorder and trauma specialists available. We will do whatever we can to meet our clients needs while ensuring a solid foundation of recovery. Visions adolescent residential treatment is a safe place to begin. We have created an environment that honors the client, supports the family, and offers the greatest opportunities for adolescents and their families to heal. We know that addiction and mental health are family issues.

 

We have an absolutely phenomenal team of recovery professionals. They happen to be some of the most dedicated people I’ve ever come across. They are particularly skillful at finding the many ways to laugh in the face of adversity. The Vteam, as we so lovingly call ourselves, understands the healing capacity of laughter and the deep need to let it all go. How often does someone come into treatment barely “holding it together,” right? Another incredible asset of our team is the amount of alumni that have come back to work with us. Note, I said “with” us not “for” us. That right there is a key factor of being part of this team.  To quote Patrick, who says it beautifully, “Our staff is unmatched. We have the perfect blend of compassionate, hard working, fun-loving professionals in the Western Hemisphere.  Everyone here loves this work and it shows.” So, is adolescent residential treatment a death sentence? Nope! It’s more like a prescription to “get your life back in order.”

Categories
Feelings Recovery Self-Care Therapy Treatment

Working With Our Addiction to Anger

Angry Talk (Comic Style) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Can you be addicted to anger? Does the adrenaline rush of being angry dictate your response to the world? Better yet, are you even aware this is happening? Or have you become so used to the rage response, it’s become part of your normative behavior.

We know anger is a natural occurrence, but for some, it becomes so deeply problematic, it devolves into an addiction. When we become our anger (or any emotion, for that matter), we disable our ability to communicate. In those moments when we are lost in the rage and its resulting dissension, our hearts are frozen; our eyes are blinded; our tongues are tied. No good can come from this.  But what can we do? How can we change this innately negative response to our frustration?

Anger management courses and other therapeutic modalities teach and use various methods in which one can learn to recognize the emotional and physical response to anger and rage. By first recognizing what is happening, one is allowed to begin to shift their response. First, we must familiarize ourselves with the addictive anger cycle itself:

1: You find yourself becoming uncomfortable or you aren’t getting something you want or think you need. You may be subconsciously or consciously reminded of feelings from long ago (childhood, for example), which are bringing untouched emotions to the surface.

2: You feel like no one understands you:  “No one gets it. They just don’t get it.” “I’m all alone.” “Whatever. I’m fine.” “No one listens to me.”

3: The frustration is building internally, but talking about it isn’t an option because you always deal with your anger and frustration alone. In fact, talking about it with others feels too difficult.

4: Stress begins to builds until you blow up. Someone or something is usually caught in the crossfire and they get hurt, either emotionally or physically. There is the part of you that doesn’t want this, but you have lost control. The guilt and shame begin to build.

5: You feel better after the explosion, perhaps even a bit relieved, until you look around and see the wreckage of your presence.

6: Now the guilt and shame really sets in. You find yourself ardently apologizing and promising not to repeat the behavior. Unfortunately, those on the receiving end may not accept your apology. What? Once again, “No one listens to me” becomes the inner mantra.

7: You internally justify your anger; it was really their fault anyway, right? (Wrong!)

8: You feel no better than before the explosion. In fact, the discomfort and frustration are still there, gnawing at you from the inside.

 

Processing anger like this is similar to releasing pressure from a pressure cooker while leaving it on the heat. Sure, some of the steam is released, but there is still steam building within. This technique is tantamount to placing a Band-Aid on a gaping wound. It’s just not large enough, or effective enough to alleviate the problem. This circular pattern of frustration à anger à explosion à remorse is ultimately a dead end. What is really needed is a salve for the anger: a calming, healthy way in which to release the pressure.

 

1: Learn to understand and take care of your needs: Holding your emotions in cannot be an option.

2: Find a good therapist who can help teach you how to touch upon the things that trigger your anger and help you devise a healthier way to allow it to dissipate.

3:  Learn ways to let go of your anger which are healthy and non-harmful. Rather than beating a pillow, which only adds coals to the fire, discover how to gently cool the anger: take a walk, take 10 deep breaths, write, drink some water.

3: Ask for help. This may be difficult, but you can do this! You are not broken, you are not a bad person. You are struggling with an overpowering, difficult emotion and it is OK to ask for help.

4: Laugh. Laugh for no reason, just laugh. It not only opens your heart and softens your belly, it helps you see the ridiculousness in many things.

At some point, instead of your anger controlling you, you will learn to control your anger. Developing a practice of self-care will be paramount to paving a new path and changing the face of your addiction to anger.  Discovering ways to recognize the triggers to your anger and how to respond to them skillfully is going to be key. Remember, recognizing there is a problem is the first step to finding the solution. It takes time, and work, but it’s worth it. You can recover.

 

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