Month: October 2008

How does one describe the journey from darkness into light? Many members of Alcoholics Anonymous or other 12 step fellowships will explain this process as a spiritual awakening. My spiritual awakening was of the slow, educational variety. There was no elderly man with a billowy white beard and long white robes who parted the seas, and certainly no burning bush to guide my path. There was however, a long and tedious road of self-exploration, a trip of discovery, discarding, and polishing. Within the confines of Alcoholics Anonymous, I continue to amaze myself on a daily basis.

Five years ago, I simply existed. I no longer participated in life, except to get loaded on drugs and alcohol. I lived to use and used to live. All other areas of life fell by the wayside and my primary purpose was to maintain my high. My family had since given up on me, I was essentially homeless, my health was questionable, and most importantly, I was spiritually broken. Part of me was dying for human contact and help, and part of me was just plain dying. I suppose I had somewhat of a moment of clarity when I realized that the mass amounts of drugs I put in my body weren’t working any longer. The more I put in, the worse I felt. It finally appeared as though nothing on God’s green Earth could save me from me, except perhaps another way. Thus began my journey………

I crawled into Alcoholics Anonymous wanting to once again live. I had no recollection of formative life skills and had to build from the ground up. I took suggestions, got a sponsor, went to meetings, fellowshipped with others, and dove head first into the process. Most importantly, I had to find a God of my understanding. Growing up in a Roman Catholic household, this was no easy task. The punitive God that I had grown up with, had given up on me a long time ago. Letting go of this notion was difficult to say the least. Slowly but surely, I grew into my own skin, came to define and redefine God, and learned how to stand on my own two feet. I also learned what service work was all about. Helping another alcoholic receive the blessings I have received is part of the miraculous cyclical process of the program. Alcoholics Anonymous has provided me with both a new outlook on life and an impenetrable optimism where truly anything is possible. I will forever be grateful.

Quitting Smoking: A Ride on a Camel

I woke up at the usual time this morning, 5:30 am. Next I did what I do every morning and probably what a lot of people do across the world. I lit up my first camel of the day. It is something I have done for as long as I can remember, SMOKE!!! The strange thing is I don’t even really enjoy it anymore; it has become a pattern, a habit. However if I don’t light one up there is an overwhelming feeling of anxiety that hits like a tidal wave. About six months ago I tried to quit, well sort of, I never really had too much commitment. The reason I was trying was because the people around me were worried. Strange though the more they worried and complained about my smoking the more I wanted it. Kind of reminds me of when I was using drugs/alcohol. My mind thinks in the same addictive manner when it comes to everything; tell me I shouldn’t due it, tell me its bad for me and it makes me want it more. It’s insane, that same thinking, I’ll show you I’ll hurt me. Fortunately I am in recovery now and have almost five years clean and sober; so why can’t I quit smoking? I just crushed out a camel and writing this blog discussing smoking makes me want another; hold on gotta get one be right back. Ahhh, much better, but not really, it is just the same old pattern. Oh the dilemma that one goes through in trying to quit. It is time to give it another go. So what is the point of this blog? It is an introduction into my world and my ride with a camel; its time to get off the ride. If anyone reads this or wants to try to quit, maybe we could try together. Each week I will be adding an entry of the crazy making my mind goes through in quitting smoking. Respond to these blogs if you share the same type of feelings or frustrations around quitting. If you think its stupid or I am weak for not being able to quit, well you can respond with that also. Strange I psyched myself out so to keep me honest next week on Wed. October 8, 2008 it will be my first day of not smoking. I will share with you all the happy, joyous feelings I am having at that moment, just kidding, I will be pissed off but I will try, how about you? See you in a week!!!
Brian Wildason

“I have nothing better to do…!” a phrase uttered by the many of teen students struggling to maintain with the day-to-day pressures of high school. This, a phrase I heard uttered a total of 6 times in less than 2 hours. In short, the conversation consisted of one of my softball players and a best friend discussing the use of marijuana. My player seemed a bit irritated by the fact that her friend had showed up to watch her play “high”. The conversation was casual and playful banter was thrown back and forth between the two. One would tease, “pothead” while the other stated things like “chicken” and “goodie- goodie”. Later after the game, my players began talking about their own history with marijuana and alcohol. Some admitted to drinking rarely while others admitted to never drinking at all. Then I came to my own conclusions about why, this past weekend I spent an exhausting 20+ hours watching, coaching, and participating in a girl’s adolescent softball league that organizes teams ages 8 to 18. In talking with several of the girls who range from 14 – 17 years old, I realized that several of them were partaking in more than just softball as an extra-curricular activity. On top of a full class load, some were cheerleaders, soccer players, band members, volunteers, employees, volleyball players, ASB members, and so on. Each activity requiring more time, attention, and commitment then a typical 9AM to 5PM work day. In an average week, our softball program alone requires 4-week night practices ranging from 2 to 3 hours and at minimum of 2 Saturday games, each 2 hours in length with an hour of pre-game warm-up. When asking them how they managed, their general response was, “it’s hard but it keeps us busy and out of trouble.” We discussed what they meant by “trouble” and to me a surprising number of responses pertained to drug and alcohol use. They all expressed concern over the general peer-pressures associated with high school including drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, and popularity. Most of them felt that it were easier to avoid these peer-pressures when they were able to give a validated excuse such as softball. In fact, many of them stated that if given more time to attend high school social events they felt they would want to experiment with drugs and alcohol because it was “the thing to do”. As they spoke I remembered my own high school experience and how easy it was for me to get through without using. But I also remember that I too, was highly involved in several activities for those same reasons. I found it interesting that many of them chose to stay busy as a means of also staying sober or “out of trouble”. They expressed that they did not need or desire “down time” because in the small town, they feared that “trouble” was the only other option. The idea that teen addiction is a result of boredom (among other reasons) is in fact true in the case of many of the players I work with day to day. In essence, they each made it clear that staying busy was one of the easiest ways to maintain to stay away from peer-pressure. They also discussed how structured programs were even more effective because it required mental and physical stability, which did not allow for the idea of drug and alcohol abuse.

Authentic Relationships

I have found that the relationships I have formed in my recovery today are based on nothing more than respect and a genuine trust of one and other. When I was getting loaded, this was certainly not the case. I was always suspicious of my friendships with others. What was their motive? Why were they gravitating towards me as an individual? I didn’t have much to offer, aside from drugs and alcohol. These days, I have much to offer. I have a shoulder to lean on, an empathetic ear with which to listen, and a heart that wants nothing more than to help. Today, my relationships with both men and women are symbiotic associations and are direct results of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, both women and men alike were absolutely never to be trusted. Coming from a dysfunctional household, complete with an abusive father and a co-dependent mother, both respective sexes left a sour taste in my mouth. Men were abrasive and scary, and women were pushy and clingy. This had a huge impact of how I was to view both men and women for a long time. Friendships I developed with each sex were fleeting at best, and romantic unions with men were also dysfunctional and short-lived. In retrospect, I either self-sabotaged most of these connections or picked friends and suitors that were emotionally unavailable. That was the only way I knew how. I was accustomed to picking lesser companions, until I was in fact the lesser companion. Forming authentic, genuine relationships in either a friendship or a romantic interlude was indeed foreign to me. A combination of therapeutic settings and Alcoholics Anonymous really helped me learn how to once again trust both myself and others. I had to have faith in those who would help me rebuild my life.

Today, I rely upon help from both men and women. I continuously reach out for help on a daily basis to my peers. I have come to the realization that I can’t exist in Alcoholics Anonymous alone. Nobody can for that matter. It is so important to build friendships with other people who will be there for you through thick and thin. I have such a strong support network in my life today. I have toiled and worked diligently to build that network and couldn’t be happier. I thank God every day for the people in my life. They are present friends in my life today, and all they want in return is my friendship, loyalty, and trust. It feels good to not only be a respectable person, but a loving friend who people confide in and support through any endeavor. This was made possible through my recovery!

Sisters in Recovery

My sister and are were thick as thieves growing up… and eventually started using drugs together and literally began thieving together. This went on for years and eventually we stopped getting along once I fell in love with Heroin and she fell in love with Methamphetamine – somehow, we just weren’t compatible anymore. Go figure.

Well, by the grace of god, I stumbled into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and have stayed clean since Dec. 2002. My sister kept using. Once I found out that there was another way to live, free from the chains of active addiction and away from the horrors that a using addict feels trapped by, I wanted her to know all about how happy I was. I wanted her to know that every emotion I felt was 10 times better when I experienced it clean (even the not-so-nice feelings). I wanted her to know that meetings and the 12-steps weren’t as lame as TV or movies had made them seem. I wanted her to know it actually took a lot more effort to get and use and find ways and means to get more drugs than it did to just stay clean and go with the flow of nature (totally appealing to the lazy addict). I wanted her to know that through the help of a sponsor and stepwork, I was actually beginning to accept myself, and work to improve in my areas of weakness. I wanted her to know everything beautiful I had experienced. Most of all, I wanted her to know that if I could do it, she could do it.

So I tried to tell her, but she didn’t care. I was devastated. Here I was, showing her a way out, that she didn’t have to live like that anymore and she just didn’t care! My vision of the two of us skipping off to meetings together in the sunset was smashed! My NA sponsor told me I was powerless over other people (places, things), in addition to being powerless over my addiction (step 1), which I found very irritating. She said the only things I had power to do were being a living example of the program of NA in action and pray for her. Sigh.

I’ve been praying for years. Five years, nine months and eleven days of prayer that my sister finds her path, whatever it may be (I eventually realized that god’s will might not look the same as my vision of what her process should be… ugh). At the end of every NA meeting, we have a moment of silence for the addict who still suffers, inside or outside the walls (meaning clean or still using). My sister’s name is the first name that I think of; it always will be. She means everything to me.

…On Saturday I visited my sister at her Drug Rehab. She just got a sponsor in Narcotics Anonymous J and now has over 90 days clean. She introduces me to her rehab buddies as “This is my sister, she has 5 years clean,” with pride in her voice. Tears come to my eyes as I write this; I can’t express how much gratitude I have that she has found her way to the beginning of her process and I’m so honored to be able to be a part of it.