are you really laughing out loud? (Photo credit: MrPessimist)
The concept behind text bombing is to save time: you can send mass texts out to multiple people telling them where to meet you, et cetera. Ultimately, it was designed to be a cheap tool for efficiency. According to this latest from Huffington Post, text bombing is the latest technological tool used by cyberbullies to go after their victims. The sender can be anonymous and the apps can be programmed to auto-send persistent, negative messages. Text bombing someone means you are sending 1000-10000 text messages to the same person in the same day, and it can go from being simply annoying to cruel. In the banal sense, one could look at text bombing as the equivalent of crank calling someone. Unfortunately, in the wrong hands, text bombing has sinister underpinnings.
Imagine repeatedly receiving a text message saying, “die” or “no one likes you,” in the same day. The victim of the text bomb has to endure receiving the same hateful and/or degrading message time and time again, experiencing high levels of stress, anxiety, and even depression. Unless you have a means of blocking the text messages, there’s really no way to stop the barrage of hate. You are in a relentless technological loupe.
Alas, you can protect yourself! You can download one of these spam-blocking apps, which allow you to block numbers and texts from coming in:
Parents, if you are worried that text bombing may be an issue for your child, look for the following:
A spike in the phone bill
Make sure your child’s phone isn’t rooted. (“Rooting an Android phone means that you give yourself, rather than Sprint/Verizon/T-Mobile/AT&T’s software, the permission to act as the administrator of the phone. New Android operating system 2.3 and higher only allows 30 SMS — texts — from the same phone at one time. Teens with rooted phones can still send thousands of texts.” – via Internet safety expert Sedgrid Lewis)
Surefire Girls is a groundbreaking event happening THIS WEEKEND for high-school girls to ask questions, discover ways in which to empower themselves, get internships, and find their voices in relation to media literacy and self-awareness. The event is, Saturday, October 12, 2013, 10 AM – 5:00 PM at theArt Institute of California: 2900 31st Avenue, Santa Monica, CA 90405.
This Surefire Girls event is smaller and more of a sneak peak into what will be, however a larger event is slated for 2014. Online registration is closed, however, there will be limited tickets available onsite. There are workshops for parents too, so while teens are working in one workshop, parents are working in another.
Teen workshops include:
Your Story & Social Media
Fashion
Beauty
Fitness
Change Your World
Money Matters
For parents, workshops include:
Websites and apps to make your life easier, and decoding the ones your daughters use
How to listen and communicate with your teen
Getting back your inner calm
How girls can be influenced by the media in body image as well as career choice
Being a teen is not easy. Bodies are changing at a rapid pace, the brain is developing, and the individuation process is in full force. To add to the melee, teens are confronted with the influences of media, their peers, pop stars, et cetera, which are often confusing and misleading. Finding our authenticity is hard work, and harder still when you are bombarded with distortion as the status quo. Surefire Girls presents a wonderful opportunity for forward-thinking, curious young ladies to smash down the existing paradigm of beauty to create a more empowered, sustainable existence.
Melanie Klein, MA, writer, speaker, expert contributor at Proud2BMe, a NEDA project, founder and co-coordinator for Women, Action, Media (WAM!), and adjunct teacher at Santa Monica College (teaching Women’s Studies and Sociology) will be doing her Body Collage project at Surefire Girls. In this workshop, Melanie will talk about the cultural limitations of beauty ideals, and she will facilitate a process of uncovering and discovering that beauty is limitless, dismantling this idea that there is only one type of attainable beauty. The Body Collage involves creating a floor to ceiling montage of commercial images using poster board. The girls stand in front of this and find that they are not represented, viscerally shifting their perspectives on reality. As part of the project, I will be hosting a photo booth, further facilitating the shift toward acceptance. It’s incredibly empowering to see how beautiful YOU are in the midst of photoshopped, surreal imagery.
You can read more about Melanie and the Body Collage Project in this more in-depth interview with her from Shaping Youth.
In Psychology, Splitting refers to black and white thinking and is according to Wikipedia “the failure in a person’s thinking to bring together both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole.” According to Dr. George Simon, PhD., it is “an unconscious ego defense mechanism by which a fairly complex entity cannot be accepted into consciousness in its entirety because it contains aspects that are both acceptable to a person as well as unacceptable.” It is a common defense mechanism in people suffering from personality disorders, whose modus operandi is endless patterns of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
For the purpose of this particular blog, however, I am addressing the behavioral issue of splitting we most commonly see amongst kids in relation to authority figures. I’m referring to the common use of the phrase, which is used loosely in reference to kids and teens attempting to separate their parents with the intention of getting what they want. The behavior is similar in that it is an attempt to create a “good guy/bad guy” scenario. Splitting is an often misused term, and even I am misusing it in this blog as I am not referring to its true psychological meaning. This divisionary behavior is what we refer to as “staff splitting” and is loosely used by parents and staff members in the culture of treatment environments.
“No” is difficult to hear for most of us. It evokes a sense of disappointment and perhaps even a sense of loss. If we’re being honest with ourselves, none of us really likes a “no.” It’s difficult to accept such an answer to a request, as it tends to be attached to the outcome. When we can’t accept an answer we’ve been given, then our request is, in fact, a demand. Driven by the cravings of selfishness, our perspective can become skewed and we will often search out the justification we need for indulgent and often unhealthy behavior. Here is where we begin the search for the answer or answers we want, intent on defying the one we have been given. Kids tend to do this all the time, which is what we refer to as “splitting.” It typically looks like this: “But Mom lets me,” or “Dad said it was OK.” It’s a way for kids to find control in a situation that feels unacceptable to them, or to avoid feelings of dissatisfaction.
Not all kids behave in this way, however. The more aggressive personality types are more prone to this behavior, and they lean toward bullying one parent or staff member as they attempt to get what they want. Some key things to remember are:
Firm boundaries
Clear communication
Clear set of rules and expectations
No is a complete sentence.
Maybe isn’t an option.
Remember, backing out of a “No” is far easier than backing out of a “Yes.
No one said raising kids was easy. Remember, it didn’t come with a manual! The individuation process is smelly and rude and full of adventures and testing of limits. As the adults in this scenario, we have to try and remember what it was like. We also pushed boundaries (some of us pushed harder than others –ahem), but, once we lose it, the scale tips in the wrong direction. It is our responsibility to stay grounded.
If you are dealing with a legitimate psychological situation where the truest form of splitting is an issue, I encourage you to seek the appropriate care. You can find more information on splitting here and here. If you need help with mental health issues, please contact us; we are here to help.
Father’s Day came and went, but I was struck by the aftermath of the day, nonetheless, when my son sat in the midst of his anger and disappointment after his own father didn’t show up for him. When my son said, “Not only did my dad not show up, he only spent 2 minutes with me on the phone,” I felt his deflation. I felt the letdown and longing for a father that would never be. And I had a visceral memory of what that was like. However, as a parent, my role isn’t to project my past onto my son’s present. Rather, my role is to hold space for him to feel and experience that which ails him, allowing his emotions to safely ride though his body. As a parent, I have to do my work on my own. Not via my son.
Father’s day, like Mother’s day, can elicit a varied set of emotions for our kids and for us as parents. They can range from untended loss, or expectations, abandonment, and deep grief rising internally around parents that were never available for us, be it physically or emotionally. When I first became acutely aware of this in my own life, I did what many of us do: I spiritually bypassed the situation and filled my time with practices of avoidance. At that time, my outsides appeared to be ok, but my inner voice remained devastated. The scary part is finding our voice amidst that loss. Sometimes it wobbles. Sometimes it screams. But it’s there, waiting to come out.
My son found his voice yesterday; he used it well. He leaned into his resources and shared his frustrations and sense of loss. He really discovered how available his step-dad is for him, finding grounding in the emotional presence and support that has been made available to him over the last 5 years. I had the honor of baring witness to such splendor.
Sometimes, we find ourselves grappling with the reality of having what we need but still wanting something we cannot have: my son wanting his father to be a dad but having a step-father who gives him everything he needs. On Father’s Day, we ventured to the beach, and when Joseph dried him off and kissed his head, my son giggled and said, “My dad would never do that.” It is in these moments where we hold space for that grief I was speaking of; here is where we can allow this young man the time to process the weight of his loss while reveling in the joy of the experience itself.
Parenting is a process and being a kid is a process. Somewhere, we meet in the middle, knees and hearts bruised along the way. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s this: our hearts have a tremendous capacity to heal. The heart, I know, is a muscle of great resilience. It can even open to the tumult of holidays, learning to forgive and/or navigate the foibles of clumsy parents and the awkwardness of adolescence.
English: Image released to the public domain through the official website at https://markleung.com/gallery/screenshots (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Video game addiction: Like most things where addiction is in question, the behaviors and call signs are similar. There is an unquenchable desire for more, leading to irritability, anger, despondence, and isolation. Video game addiction isn’t a substance abuse disorder; it as a clinical impulse control disorder, similar to a gambling addiction. In other words, playing the game becomes a compulsive call to action. Role-playing games in particular can evolve into an addictive foe.
Meet George. He’s 13 and he is always seen plugged into a device. It could be an iPhone, or his desktop computer, but he is never without some kind of technical distraction. He’s been like this ever since I can remember—I think he got his first game around 6. As he’s gotten older, he has become more and more involved in the role-playing games online, locking himself away in a room with his headphones on so he can talk to his online “friends.” He is, however, completely anti-social when it comes to interacting with actual people. School is fraught with fights and suspensions, and parental communication is bereft of any real content or authority. At home, if there’s an opportunity for actual play, George will sneak off to play a video game—he did this once during a game of hide-and-seek, leaving his playmate hidden for an extended period of time. From the outside in, this looks troublesome—it IS troublesome–but George’s parents see it as keeping him occupied and engaged. Have we forgotten how to interact with our children? Have we made our own needs and external busyness more important than creating an emotional connection with our kids?
The current generation is the first “native” tech generation. They have never known a life without cell phones, a world without the Internet and its multitude of social media sites, or gaming and the varied choices in virtual realities. These things are just part of this generation’s day-to-day life. Our social environments have been forever changed, and sites like Facebook are often considered to be the sole vehicle for maintaining friendships. I won’t lie, I like that I am able to keep in touch with out-of-state friends because of Facebook. It certainly has its value. Online gaming can be fun. Lots of folks play online games on occasion, and often times, it’s harmless, but there are those (like George) who are seduced by the alluring cyber world of false reality and find themselves getting lost when the digital falsehood becomes more important than reality itself.
According to the Center for Online Addiction, these are the warning signs to look for:
Your child is playing video games for increasing amounts of time;
Thinking about gaming during other activities;
Gaming to escape from real-life problems, anxiety, or depression;
Lying from friends and family to conceal gaming;
Feeling irritable when trying to cut down on gaming.
They also suggest keeping note of the following and seeking help as soon as you recognize a problem brewing:
Log how often your child plays and for how long;
Problems arising out of gaming;
Your child’s reaction to time limits.
Treatment for video game addiction is similar to dealing with food addiction in that you have to learn how to live with it and use it responsibly. And you have to detox from the addiction itself by unplugging for a period of time. We are in a computer generation: we live and work on our computers, and if addiction is an issue, then we need to learn to change our relationships to them so we can use them responsibly. Now that we are inundated with technology, we have to learn how to safely navigate the broadly accessible world it’s created. Recovery is possible.
Our speech is a powerful tool: What we say and how we say it can have a profound effect on whomever we’re talking to. If we are kind, it can change the trajectory of the conversation; likewise, rudeness and thoughtless speech can wreak havoc. Part of recovery is changing our actions and our interactions with others. When we speak wisely, we nurture healthy relationships with others, and create a safe haven for ourselves as well as for those around us. The times when it’s really difficult are when someone is being unkind to us.
When you find yourself in a situation where you are concerned about your response, ask yourself:
Is it useful?
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it all of the above?
The 10th step asks us to “Continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admit it.” This step is part and parcel to paving our spiritual paths, teaching us that spiritual practice is tied to our connections with others. Those connections show us there is something greater than ourselves through connecting with community. When we are unkind, thoughtless, or dishonest with our speech, we disconnect from others, and disconnect ourselves from spiritual connection.
It behooves us to speak kindly, lest we endure the disdain of others. This is not an easy lesson to learn or an easy task to follow, especially in adolescence, where the brain is still developing and the process of individuation is in full force, all of which makes talking back, being rude, and being unskillful with speech par for the course. How, then, can we effect change amongst the burgeoning minds of our youth? For starters, we need to treat those younger than us with the respect that we would like shown to us. I am not implying that we should become doormats, but I am asking that we practice wise speech and display positive behaviors as an example for our teens.
When we meet rudeness with rudeness, shortness with shortness, and aggravation with aggravation, we are giving our kids mixed messages–“do as I say, not as I do”– which just leads to resentment and frustration. If we want respect, we have to model respect; If we want kindness, we have to model kindness. It is our job to model positive behavior and fess up when we make mistakes. Kids will get it eventually, but it requires patience on our end and a fervent desire to model healthy behaviors.
A while back, I wrote about a child of 8 years old who was showing early signs of disordered eating behaviors. As noted at that time, the behavior was fueled by a father with his own poor relationship around food and a mother who is also victimized by his negative body and food talk. I’ve watching this child over the last year, hoping I was wrong, but knowing more and more that the signs I was seeing were none other than an eating disorder being nurtured and fed by self-hatred, stress, and a negative environment. Her organization of food has gotten more intense, as has her open disgust around whatever is on her plate. It’s not so much about being “fat” but more about her discernment around eating a growing number of “certain” foods.
There’s stress all around this kid: her father is impatient and fixated on his own weight and body image. Her mom is reacting to his actions by persistently apologizing when she eats, joining Weight Watchers, and choosing to ignore the cry for help at the dinner table. As a regular in their household, it’s been hard to watch and harder still not to say anything for fear of being shut out entirely. I’ve used my presence as an opportunity to change the dialogue when I can, but it’s hard speaking to a room full of deaf ears. I finally did say something when the negative talk was directed at me and as expected, my comment, despite coming from love, was met with a “Nah, I’m not worried about that.”
Stress is a huge culprit here. According to the Eating Recovery Center, “childhood stress is typically: personal, interpersonal, interfamilial, or global (a stress reaction to national or world news).”
Age is not a factor: Children of all ages experience stress, though they may express it differently.
Children are vulnerable.
Children respond differently to the stress in their environment.
Stress is cumulative. Adults aren’t the only one’s who can “only take so much.”
Change is stressful. Even positive change. I am reminded here of reorganizing a room in my house and my son getting utterly overwhelmed even though the change was positive. Our nervous systems are indifferent to our whims and desire to pile on more and more and the fact that we all may have a different response is something to be noted and respected.
Parents and adults alike would be wise to open a dialogue with their kids about stress and one’s perceptions of how things are. In the case of my young eating disorder study, dad is never around and only available on weekends; when he is there, he’s impatient and obsessively exercising or on his computer—detached from everyone. This provides a huge source of stress for her and for the rest of her family. Unfortunately, this has been weaved into her negative self talk and commentary about her family and hinders her relationships with others and with food. She’s angry, stressed out, and starving herself in response.
What can we do? We can start with the following:
Be an example of positive body talk.
Talk to our kids. Be open and honest, but be loving.
Eat mindfully. Turn off the TV. Make mealtime a place of solace and connection.
Don’t talk about stressful subjects at the dinner table. In other words: keep it light.
Don’t use food or eating as a means of punishment. (You’re going to bed without dinner).
Encourage self-care and self-love: At dinner, ask each person to express one thing they are grateful for.
Cook together. Show them that food isn’t the enemy.
Go on hikes or family walks.
Have family meetings. We do them council style in my house. It makes a world of difference.
Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help.
Be honest with your therapist. They can’t help you if you hold back.
Find a support group—being alone with your child or family is in crisis is too much for anyone.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of those around you.
If you’re worried that your son or daughter might be developing an eating disorder (note: boys are not immune to this!), look out for some of these signs.
(Please note, certain behaviors are warning signs, but in combination and over time, they can become quite serious):
Behaviors specific to anorexia:
Major weight loss (weighs 85% of normal weight for height or less)
Skips meals, always has an excuse for not eating (ill, just ate with a friend, stressed-out, not hungry).
Refuses to eat in front of others
Selects only low fat items with low nutrient levels, such as lettuce, tomatoes, and sprouts.
Reads food labels religiously; worried about calories and fat grams in foods.
Eats very small portions of foods
Becomes revolted by former favorite foods, such as desserts, red meats, potatoes
May help with meal shopping and preparation, but doesn’t eat with family
Eats in ritualistic ways, such as cutting food into small pieces or pushing food around plate
Lies about how much food was eaten
Has fears about weight gain and obesity, obsesses about clothing size. Complains about being fat, when in truth it is not so
Inspects image in mirror frequently, weighs self frequently
Exercises excessively and compulsively
May wear baggy clothing or many layers of clothing to hide weight loss and to stay warm
May become moody and irritable or have trouble concentrating. Denies that anything is wrong
May harm self with cutting or burning
Evidence of discarded packaging for diet pills, laxatives, or diuretics (water pills)
Stops menstruating
Has dry skin and hair, may have a growth of fine hair over body
May faint or feel dizzy frequently
Behaviors specific to bulimia
Preoccupation or anxiety about weight and shape
Disappearance of large quantities of food
Excuses self to go to the bathroom immediately after meals
Evidence of discarded packaging for laxatives, diuretics, enemas
May exercise compulsively
May skip meals at times
Teeth may develop cavities or enamel erosion
Broken blood vessels in the eyes from self-induced vomiting
Swollen salivary glands (swelling under the chin)
Calluses across the joints of the fingers from self-induced vomiting
May be evidence of alcohol or drug abuse, including steroid use
Possible self-harm behaviors, including cutting and burning
If you notice even one of these, it’s time to address it. Talk to your daughter or son, talk to your doctor. If necessary, elicit the help of a treatment facility. In other words: Get help. Showing our kids that we care and are willing to stop our own negative behaviors in order to help them is invaluable. It’s a family problem, not an individual one.
Smiles, yet another designer drug to hit the US seems to be just as deadly as the other synthetic drugs we are more familiar with. According to the DEA, this drug is “a synthetic drug abused for its hallucinogenic effects,” and has “been encountered in a number of states by federal, state, and local law enforcement agencies.” Still, the findings regarding this substance are so preliminary, all we really have to refer to are user stories on YouTube, and that’s not an ideal source. The popularity of drugs like Smiles, K2, Spice, and Bath Salts is partly due to the ease of their availability and their inexpensive price tag. They are easily purchased online, in liquor stores, and particularly in states that haven’t elicited new, prohibitive laws regarding these synthetic drugs. What’s troublesome is these drugs are typically created and recreated faster than the FDA can process requests to ban them. Often times, it’s a sudden increase in ER visits by patients suffering similarly which alerts professionals of a new drug is on the scene.
What is Smiles?
We don’t know much, but we do know that 2C-1 aka Smiles is an amphetamine/hallucinogen whose effects have been compared to a combination of LSD and MDMA. Some even say it’s similar to PCP. 2C-1 (Smiles) was initially popular in Europe, emerging onto their party scene in 2003. Smiles is classified as aphenethylamines—essentially amphetamines but with an additional chemical compound added which change its effects. Instead of the increased heart rate and feeling of speediness so commonly associated with amphetamine use, the effect of 2c-1 is more euphoric and psychedelic, again more in line with that found in psychedelics. Like most of these synthetic drugs, they are commonly manufactured in illegal labs, which make it terribly difficult to regulate.
What population is using Smiles?
The same population that uses this elicit drug is the same one that uses drugs like Ecstasy, Spice, Bath Salts, K2, and other club drugs: high-school and college students and other young adults that frequent party and club settings. Like the others, Smiles is easy to get, cheap, and not always easy to detect in drug tests. Because the evolution of these synthetic drugs is so fast, parents, teachers, mental health and law enforcement professionals may be caught off guard. Awareness is going to be your best defense.
So, what can you do?
Be aware of your young adults’ friends and sudden changes in those social circles.
Do you really know where your kids go when they “hang out”? Sudden secrecy (more than the usual we expect from adolescents) should raise a red flag. Instead of approaching your concern with anger, show concern with an open heart. Try and remember how YOU felt as a teen.
Look into your teens’ eyes: Are the pupils dilated (huge)? Are they pinpoints?
Watch for sudden changes in grades or attendance.
Gather information from viable, legitimate sources (NIDA, DEA)
Get some support for yourself: therapy, support groups, et cetera.
Practice self-care. It’s harder to care for others when you are not taken care of.
These drugs are serious. They are unknown in many ways, and that fact alone makes them deadly. Stay tuned; I’m sure there will be more information to follow. In the meantime, be as transparent as you can be with your kids. Chances are, if they feel emotionally safe enough to confide in you and talk to you in general, they are less likely to hide the important things and travel along a path of self-destruction.
“Family dinners: they’re not old-fashioned, they’re just good sense!”
I was reminded of this sentiment when I saw John Lieberman’s tweet a couple of days ago that said, “So, dinner is a good thing!” He was referring to this article, but his message reminded me that beyond the scientific studies, which dutifully illustrate the downfalls of families who don’t have regular family dinners, time together with family at mealtime is truly precious. It’s the time when the hub-bub of work/school/extracurricular activities, et cetera, can become secondary so we can plug into family connection.
When I was a kid growing up with a single mom and living a rather impoverished life, one of the most consistent things my mom did was insist we sit down together every night for dinner. While my household wasn’t short on dysfunction, the value of creating real family time at meals was paramount to my mom. It didn’t matter what the meal was, though–what mattered was the time spent together, checking in with each other. In my particular family, this regularity came to a halt during my teen years; looking back, I see how those years are a definitive time for connecting and building character; I wish there had been more “normalcy” in that regard. Still, I continue the tradition of family dinners in my own life, but my goal is to maintain the community structure beyond the formative years of early childhood and tween life so I can carry it into the confusing years of adolescence. My own experience proves to me that meal time can and should become a time of unwinding and check-ins if the environment is healthy enough.
From the scientific perspective, the positive outcome of having a regular family dinner is clearly laid out: When The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASAColumbiaTM) “examined the link between the frequency of family dinners and the quality of teens’ relationships with their parents,” they discovered that “the frequency with which teens attend religious services and how much parents know about what’s going on in their children’s lives,” relates to the “likelihood of teens’ marijuana, alcohol and tobacco use.” The thing is, family dinners show potential for inclusivity. If the dynamic of a family dinner is healthy, kids will ultimately be provided a safe “container” for feeling their feelings, talking about what’s really going on, and allowing themselves to drop down into emotional safety.
While not all family dynamics are conducive to healthy family dinners, it should be noted that there is intrinsic value to forming this connectivity if circumstances allow. My son is prone to complaining and pessimism—it’s just his personality, so to help him see there is more to life than a half-empty glass and annoying school mates, we often use family dinners to go around the table and share three things that happened that day for which we are grateful. Those three statements of gratitude often spark the opportunity for conversations we wouldn’t ordinarily have, which leads to that connectivity I’m talking about.
Families in recovery are strongly urged to reignite this tradition, even if you start with one or two family dinners a week, you will see a change toward the positive. In truth, family dinners are a wonderful addition to your toolbox for reconnection. Try it. Heck, cook together and include some team building!
As National Suicide Prevention Week continues, I realize we can’t let the week pass without talking about bullying. The recent documentary Bully deftly brought to light egregious bullying behavior, some of which led to suicide. The conversation continues, however. We are more aware now that the bullied child is suffering, often in silence, and often filled with shame and anger about why this is happening to them. They are always asking the eternal question, “Why me?” Unfortunately, there are still an alarming number of bullying incidents that go undetected, and there continues to be a systemic problem in the way we deal with the bullies themselves and the children being bullied.
Children who are bullied won’t typically tell anyone this is happening, typically feeling helpless in their endeavors to get help. From the bullied child’s perspective, there is an implication of great risk in asking for help. Experience has proven the bully makes sure they live in a state of fear of retaliation. This is particularly true when dealing with verbal bullying such as name calling, exclusion, ostracizing, rumors, racial, cultural, and sexual taunts. In these cases, proof is often difficult. This presents a catch-22 situation for parents, teachers, and administrators: it becomes one child’s word against another’s. As parents, we have to play the role of detective and suss out the situation, looking for key emotional and physical signs that our child is being bullied.
From Sheri Werner’s book In Safe Hands: Bullying Prevention and Compassion for All, she lists the following things to look for if we suspect bullying:
Becoming moody or short tempered.
Finding excuses for not wanting to go to school.
Claiming physical illnesses such as stomachaches and headaches that may have, in fact, actually evolved into such physical symptoms.
Returning to bedwetting.
Beginning to have nightmares.
Developing either a lack of appetite or increase of eating compulsively.
Having difficulty concentrating.
Deterioration in the quality of schoolwork.
Having insomnia, anxiety.
Starting to become quiet, withdrawn.
Exhibiting physical signs like bruises, torn clothing, scrapes, and so on.
Expressing sadness and/or violence in writing or drawings.
Displaying unusual acting out behaviors.
Bullying doesn’t have to end in suicide. Suicide is never the answer. You are your child’s greatest advocate. You have a multitude of options:
Individual counseling/therapy
Group counseling/therapy
Form your own support group
Become informed.
Go to the school: find out what they have in place for bullying prevention.
If they don’t have anything in place, take steps to help develop a school anti-bullying policy.
I’ve seen this more times than I care to admit: a bullying situation resulting in the bullied child being punished and/or being told to “ignore” the bully or try to “make friends” with him/her. In truth, the child bullied needs support and compassion. But so does the bully. Yes, you read that right. The bully needs support and compassion as well, and more than likely an intervention of sorts. I truly believe that bullying is a symptom of a greater problem. What that problem may be isn’t an excuse for the negative behavior, but it still needs to be addressed.
There’s no doubt that it’s difficult to find compassion for a child who bullies, because their behavior is so hurtful and over the top, but suffering comes in all shapes and forms and it behooves us to take this into consideration. A kid who goes home to violence, neglect, etc., or who suffers from unaddressed mental illness or a learning disability, or who didn’t have sufficient emotional connection in their early years may not know how to handle problems that arise. From the perspective of the administration and teachers, this is really an opportunity (and challenge) to A: monitor the bully, and B: help redirect and reteach the bully to change their thinking and behavioral processes to fit into a healthier social model. For the bully, their saving grace might just be the school they are in, if that school has methods in place to help them. The key is not to give up on them; they, too, deserve a chance to recover and change.
There are resources out there! You are not alone in this, regardless if you are the parent of the bullied or the bully.
