Categories
Adolescence Bullying Self-Care Sexuality

Starry-Eyed and Lovelorn in Adolescence

Remember when you were a teenager, falling in an out of love faster than your jeans could stay in style? Remember how devastating the subsequent heartbreak was when your current flight of fancy moved on? The drama and excitement of it all is exacerbated by adolescence. I can distinctly remember the all-or-nothing perspective I had when it came to love or what I thought was love as a teen. At times, it can be overwhelming and because there is sometimes a vacancy where parental trust should be, it can also be lonely.  Growing up is tough, and matters of the heart lend an element of pain to the already awkward, bungling nature of adolescence. And no, this isn’t a bash on being a teen. I was one once, and I will always remember the sense of untenable angst and confusion.

The truth is, relationships happen. All the time. They are an inevitable part of life unless you are a hermit, in which case, you may have some other issues to tend to. So, how do navigate that stormy sea? Let’s see:

  • Be yourself.  You are good enough just as you are. When we try to act like something or someone we’re not, we create expectations that may eventually lead to letdown. Ouch.
  • Mutual respect. You deserve to be being loved and respected for who you really are and not who someone wants you to be. Respect also means your partner will respect your boundaries without pushing you to accommodate their wants and needs.
  • Trust. It’s one of the most important ingredients in creating and maintaining relationships.  Are you overly jealous? Is your partner? Without trust, relationships tend to stand on rocky ground—this is true for friendships and romances.
  • Develop skillful communication: Ideally, you are in a relationship with someone who honors you and your feelings. If something is bothering you, talk about it. We hear this too often: “men and women speak different languages.” While this may be true at times, instead of shutting down, we can learn to ask for clarification when we don’t understand what’s being said.
  • Retain your autonomy. Sure, it can be fun to do absolutely everything with someone…for a while, but in doing so, have you made your boyfriend or girlfriend your “everything”?  Make time for those that were in your life before this relationship, and more than anything, make room for yourself. You should never have to give up things you like, or the friends you keep because your partner isn’t into them.

With the starry-eyed disposition of many adolescent relationships, it’s safe to say that many move with the tides, but sometimes things do go awry, presenting difficult challenges. Domestic violence can easily seep into teen relationships. The warning signs that this might be happening include:

  • Verbal abuse, including insults, unkind language, degradation.
  • Physical abuse, including slapping, shoving, of forcing sexual activity.
  • Control of who you spend time with and what activities you do: in other words, attempting to isolate you.

If you recognize any of these behaviors or recognize a friend or loved one who may be experiencing anything like this, get help. You deserve to be happy, not abused.

And remember: “Be who you are and say what you mean. Because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Seuss

Categories
Bullying Mental Health Suicide

Suicide: Neither an Answer nor a Solution

Suicide so often “comes as a surprise” to those left behind, but in all honesty, the signs

were more than likely always there. The identifying factors that lead up to this type of tragedy are many, but in our busy, multitasking lives, we tend to overlook them or dismiss them as part and parcel to growing up, particularly the subtle hints. While I can’t speak for most kids or adults, I can tell you that the inner turmoil which occurs in the mind of someone  who’s suffering from suicidal thoughts is akin to severe emotional isolation—with it comes the delusion that one is “the other,” so different from those around them, they can’t even begin to integrate. Often times, those who are bullied struggle with suicidal ideation. Often times, no one even knows.

Of late, there have been several anti-bullying videos, songs, as well as organizations who are ardently amping up their efforts to bring awareness to this issue. It’s not that bullying in and of itself is tantamount to suicide, but those that are bullied often get to a place emotionally where they simply give up trying. If drugs and alcohol can’t numb the pain, or if cutting can’t raise the endorphins enough to eradicate one’s uncomfortable emotions, then suicide suddenly can look like an option. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and the CDC, “Nearly five times as many males as females ages 15-19 died by suicide,” and “Just under six times as many males as females ages 20-24 died by suicide.” Risk factors for suicide attempts include things like:

  • Depression and other forms of mental illness
  • Addiction;
  • A family history of mental disorders or substance abuse;
  • Family history of suicide;
  • History of physical or sexual abuse;
  • Firearms in the home
  • Incarceration
  • Exposure to suicidal behavior of others (family members, friends, media)

It’s important to note, however, that suicide is an extreme reaction to stress. There are many people in and out of recovery who can check off many of the above factors but are not suicidal. Regardless, the risks are notable and should be viewed with great concern and scrutiny.

I remember being a teen and feeling isolated and very much like “the other.” The irony is, the one and only time I was directed to the suicide hotline, I wasn’t actually suicidal. I was just a surly teen. Later, however, the internal dialogue of self-loathing and lack of self-worth drove me to put myself in more and more unsafe places. It wasn’t until many 4th steps later when I realized my actions were not only a cry for help, they were, in fact a means of subversive suicidal ideation. As a teen, I needed my parents and didn’t have them, either due to their emotional unavailability or their absence. As a parent myself, I have learned that despite the adolescent, parent-hating bluster, I am needed—we are needed. A child who can come home and talk openly to a parent is, in my opinion, less likely to revert inward. Talking about being bullied, asking for help, and getting it, is invaluable, and we, as parents, need to provide the environment in which our kids can safely do that. If not, then we risk being left behind, drowning in grief and unanswerable questions.

**If you or someone you know is thinking about or talking about suicide,take it seriously. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It is available 24/7.


Categories
Anxiety Bullying

Bullies: Not My Child!

Image via Wikipedia

In today’s seemingly accepting society, why does bullying continue to be such a terrible epidemic? Why are gay teens still heavily targeted by kids in schools and social settings? And why are kids who are outside of the normative pop-culture box automatically seen as gay or weird? I see this behavior even at the elementary school level, where the biggest insult a child can throw at someone they don’t like is a gay slur. We have a problem–one that’s resulted in numerous suicides by teens breaking under the pressure of needless harassment and hatred.

Schools have anti-bullying programs in full effect, and in many ways, they are effective in eliminating the acute bullying attacks that kids experience. What is missing, however, is a way for kids to deal with the subtle bullying that continues to happen in the hallways and playgrounds. For instance, a child that alerts an authority will often fall subject to additional bullying for “telling,” enduring the continuation of threats and shaming albeit in subversive and low whispers. This goes on to create an intensely hostile environment for the victim and those who witness this behavior. I worry that the gap between the administration and hallway socialization is ultimately pushing bullying underground.
When children feel threatened, they cannot learn,” says Arne Duncan U.S. Education Secretary. Time and time again we see a bullied child revert inward to escape the emotional trauma induced by bullying antics, leaving things like school work on the wayside. Honestly, fractions become banal when one’s fighting for their survival on the social level.

Many things define bullying:

  • Verbal: name-calling and teasing.
  • Social: spreading rumors, leaving people out on purpose, breaking up friendships
  • Physical: hitting, punching, shoving
  • Cyberbullying: using the Internet, mobile phones, or technology to cause harm.

Remember, an act of bullying can fall into any of these categories, be it in one area, or several.

The BULLIED may:

  • Have higher risk of depression and anxiety, including the following symptoms, that may persist into adulthood:
    • Increased feelings of sadness and loneliness
    • Changes in sleep and eating patterns
    • Loss of interest in activities
  • Have increased thoughts about suicide that may persist into adulthood. In one study, adults who recalled being bullied in youth were 3 times more likely to have suicidal thoughts or inclinations.
  • Are more likely to have health complaints. In one study, being bullied was associated with physical health status 3 years later.
  • Have decreased academic achievement (GPA and standardized test scores) and school participation.
  • Are more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school.
  • Are more likely to retaliate through extremely violent measures. In 12 of 15 school shooting cases in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.

And the BULLY may:

  • Have a higher risk of abusing alcohol and other drugs in adolescence and as adults.
  • Are more likely to get into fights, vandalize property, and drop out of school.
  • Are more likely to engage in early sexual activity.
  • Are more likely to have criminal convictions and traffic citations as adults. In one study, 60% of boys who bullied others in middle school had a criminal conviction by age 24.
  • Are more likely to be abusive toward their romantic partners, spouses or children as adults.

And the WITNESSES:

  • Have increased use of tobacco, alcohol or other drugs.
  • Have increased mental health problems, including depression and anxiety.
  • Are more likely to miss or skip school

Where the concern lies mostly in helping the bullied, and punishing the bully, it helps to remember that the latter is suffering as well. What makes a bully is often times another bully. It’s important that in our ardent efforts to heal the effects of bullying, we don’t forget to examine the cause. If you discover that your child is the bully, get them help. Find out the cause of their violence and do something about it.

Bullying impacts everyone: the bullied, the bully, and the witness. No one gets out unscathed.

Statistics sourced from:
StopBullying.gov

Get into ACTION:
Challenge Day (www.challengeday.org)

Categories
Bullying Sexuality

Love Doesn’t Hurt

(Image by Tayrawr Fortune via Flickr)

Teen dating is rite of passage. It’s part the induction into young adulthood, and the ground on which we begin to build the foundations of having a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, “healthy” isn’t always part of the equation, and as we come to the end of February, National Teen Dating Violence Prevention and Awareness Month, I thought it apropos to talk about what happens if/when a relationship goes awry. As if navigating adolescence wasn’t hard enough as it is, right?
Domestic violence is an insidious beast. It’s not always obvious to outsiders and can often go undetected until it’s too late. There’s a huge element of shame associated with being on the receiving end, as well as an untenable fear of incurring further abuse. Truthfully, it’s another form of bullying, and a bully’s usual tactic is to threaten their victim with fatalistic consequences, ultimately forcing the victim to suffer in silence, isolate, and not ask for help.

Some signs that someone may be experiencing dating violence are:

    • Physical signs of injury
    • Truancy, dropping out of school
    • Failing grades
    • Indecision
    • Changes in mood or personality
    • Use of drugs/alcohol
    • Pregnancy
    • Emotional outbursts
    • Isolation

Signs that your dating partner may eventually become violent:

    • Extreme jealousy
    • Controlling behavior
    • Quick involvement
    • Unpredictable mood swings
    • Alcohol and drug use
    • Explosive anger
    • Isolates you from friends and family
    • Uses force during an argument
    • Shows hypersensitivity
    • Believes in rigid sex roles
    • Blames others for his problems or feelings
    • Cruel to animals or children
    • Verbally abusive
    • Abused former partners
    • Threatens violence

Because teens often romanticize intimate relationships (particularly this generation, which has grown up watching glorified, sexualized violence in television, film, and media), there is an inherent  belief among boys that their masculinity is defined by aggression, while girls often see their role as problem solver and passive. These attitudes fundamentally perpetuate the problem of gender inequality which so often leads to the abuse of power and the use of control in relationships.

If you are experiencing any facet of dating/domestic violence, please seek help. There are anonymous, 24-hour helplines available to you, your teachers and parents will help you, you just have to speak up. You don’t deserve to be abused. Love is respect, and it certainly shouldn’t hurt.

Categories
Adolescence Bullying

Dating Violence: Where’s the R-E-S-P-E-C-T?

Domestic violence doesn’t play the race card, class card, or age card–it has no boundaries: it thrives on dominance and control. In teens, it’s referred to as dating violence, a type of intimate partner violence, wherein a partner is pinched, hit, shoved, or kicked; they are often shamed, called names, bullied, embarrassed with intent, and isolated from friends and family; they are sometimes forced to engage in non-consensual sex. When started early in one’s life, these relationships can lead to a pattern of abuse as they grow older. If intimacy is learned through violence and fear, then violence and fear become the normative behavior, making healthy interactions seem foreign and perhaps even uncomfortable. Sometimes the initial teasing and name-calling that occur are considered normal, but often times, they are just the opening act leading to more serious violence like battering and/or rape.

This is a serious issue, but sadly, teens don’t usually report dating violence for fear of what friends or family may think. The fact is, it’s happening with more and more frequency, and to more people than we care to admit. These statistics from the CDCspeak volumes:

  • 1 in 4 adolescents report verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse from a dating partner each year
  • About 10% of students nationwide report being physically hurt by a boyfriend of girlfriend in the past 12 months

According to the US Department of Justice, “Females ages 16-24 are more vulnerable to intimate partner violence than any other age group,” and according to the Empower Program, sponsored by Liz Claiborne, “A majority of parents (54%) admit they’ve not spoken to their child about dating violence.” So, while this behavior is often recognized (and yet ignored) amongst teens, the parental knowledge base seems scanty at best. Parents are afraid to talk about it, and kids are afraid to go to their parents; that’s a double-negative detrimental to affecting change of any kind, now isn’t it! The CDC lists warning signs for someone at risk for using dating violence–recognizing these signs early may help stop the cycle of abuse before it can start:

  • Poor social skills;
  • Inability to manage anger and conflict;
  • Belief that using dating violence is acceptable;
  • Having more traditional beliefs about male and female roles;
  • Witnessing violence at home;
  • Alcohol use;
  • Having behavioral problems in other areas;
  • Having a friend involved in dating violence;
  • Witnessing violence in the community.

Other things we can do is foster positive, healthy relationships with our children, model loving behavior in the home, and talk about what’s going on with our kids or within the community regarding violence, even if it’s scary! Because if we don’t talk about it, our kids are ultimately at risk for trying to “fix” their problem with things like drugs and alcohol, and that’s just going to create another layer of dysfunctionality, opening more doors for despair to flourish.

Categories
Bullying

Bullying: Domination and Control

Image via Wikipedia

    Bullies: tormentors, intimidators, tyrants–they carry many a title, yet they all do the same thing: terrorize those they perceive as weaker and/or different than they are. Peer groups define how kids socialize at school: they dictate fashion, hobbies, opinions, and are the basic, social construct for survival. For many, not subscribing to a peer groups’ values and norms can often lead to torment. Say a child’s peer group watches a lot of television, plays video games, engages in war play, and listens to popular children’s music, like Justin Beiber or Hannah Montana–they define the norm for their peer group. So, if a child comes along, who practices non-violence and doesn’t watch much TV or play video games, that child is often labeled as “weird,” a “sissy,” a “fag,” or “gay.”  In short, because that child differs from their peer group’s social norms, they are easily targeted and often victimized by bullying. Not fitting in can be deadly, but it shouldn’t be. If anything, it should be an opportunity to learn tolerance and compassion.
    In recent news, there has been a surge in suicides linked to bullying. Asher Brown and Seth Walsh were both 13 when they killed themselves–and both were targets of anti-gay bullying, along with Justin Aaberg, 15, Tyler Clementi, 18, and Billy Lucas, 15. In a study done by Sarah Konrath and Edward O’Brien at the University of Michigan, findings include a decrease in empathy among young adults, and a broader intolerance for difference. Contributing factors cane be everything from violent media, ie, video games and movies, to social media, where one’s ability to tune someone out is far easier than in real life. All of this makes it easier for bullies to function, and harder for those being bullied to be heard.
    Some signs that someone is being bullied can include:

  • Having few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time;
  • Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs);
  • Takes a long, “illogical” route when walking to or from school;
  • Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school;
  • Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home;
  • Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments;
  • Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams;
  • Experiences a loss of appetite;
  • Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem.

        Talking to your kids every day and asking questions is invaluable. Sometimes, it’s those moments where the one being bullied can finally feel safe enough to open up. If you’re a victim of bullying, please talk to someone–one of the most important factors in stopping the insanity is naming it. Taking action could ultimately save your life; ironically, action is the last thing a bully will expect.

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