Month: October 2010

Categories
Smoking

Smoking: From Cool to Fool

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    Remember when you thought smoking was a primary component in creating an idealized image of “coolness”? Well, for some, this ideology hasn’t ever changed, and when it comes to sobriety, it always seems to be the last to go. We often drink and use as a means to run from or disguise our feelings. In sobriety, smoking can take on a similar role, so the idea of quitting can seem like a daunting task. Unfortunately, the more you smoke, the harder it is to stop, and despite the knowledge that smoking can give you cancer, emphysema, heart disease, as well as possibly shorten your life by 10+ years, people still do it. Why? It’s simple: addiction. 
    Psychology Today poses an interesting question in response to Robert Downey Jr.’s relapse with cigarettes when they ask, “So, can you choose which addictions you relapse to?” I think not. The pure nature of addiction tells us an addict has lost their ability to choose once the drug or the drink has entered their body, so the same would apply with cigarettes. The interesting thing is, cigarettes, though frowned upon, are still a legal activity and one relatively accepted in society. The negative impact of smoking isn’t necessarily realized until years have gone by, which means the reality of the damage being done isn’t immediately relevant, and to an addict, “possible damage” doesn’t mean a lot. In fact, it breeds an “it can’t happen to me” mentality.
    No matter what form of tobacco you ingest, be it cigarettes, pipes, smokeless tobacco, or hookahs, they all contain nicotine, and they’re all equally harmful. If you are a smoker and want to quit, you have loads of options. You can quit cold turkey,  attend Nicotine Anonymous meetings, which applies a 12-step approach, or use patches, gums, etc. The American Cancer Society also has tips on their site. Just don’t give up, even if it seems impossible. After all, quitting smoking is an act of kindness to YOU!

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Categories
Adolescence Feelings Recovery

Fear and Loathing in Sobriety

It’s not every day that we voluntarily pay money to walk in to a place of horror and experientially tread through our fears. However, this past Saturday, we hosted our annual Knott’s Scary Farm event, wherein we did just that. Truth be told, it’s a popular event! I’m not sure if it’s a teen thing or a personality thing, but some folks just love to be scared! The thing is, we’re all scared of something, right? For this event, it might simply be things jumping out at you, for others it could be coulrophobia, the fear of clowns, and for some, it’s monsters in general. The tagline at Knott’s Scary Farm is “All You Fear is Here,” and boy, do they keep their promise. They have a foggy Ghost Town, where you can barely see your hand in front of your face, and is home to growling monsters, including the notorious Sliders (monsters and clowns that literally slide on their knees and hands out of nowhere to scare you!); they have CarnEVIL, where clowns and vaudevillians haunt your walk; and then there’s Necropolis, the city of the undead, filled with vamps galore. There’s sure to be at least one thing at this metropolis of fear that will make your blood run cold.

So, how do you deal with your fears when you’re there? If running and screaming makes the monsters chase you, then what would happen if you turn and face them? Our minds feed into our fears, making them appear to be intangible and often times providing us with a sense of unmanageability. In sobriety, addressing our fears can be a challenge and one we invariably shut the door on–fear of the fear, if you will. We drank, used, starved, stuffed, cut, punched, et cetera, as a means of chasing our fears away, but the truth is, they never really went anywhere.  So, when these clowns (yes, I have an epic clown fear) came bursting into our personal space, I decided not to run, or scream, but to turn and face them. Some of the kids even began mimicking their movements and growls, and each time, the clowns or monsters inevitably took their “scare” elsewhere. In fact, some even had conversations with us. Granted, they were still frightening to look at, and having them come sliding out of nowhere was still an effective fright tool, but disempowering their ferocity made them significantly less scary and made the fear manageable. Yes, that’s right, manageable!

This type of situation presents us with a wonderful metaphor for confronting our fears, though. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned during my sobriety is that if I shine light into the dark corners and look at the very thing that is frightening, I discover the shadows are just that: shadows. No, it doesn’t invalidate the genuine fears that exist, but it certainly shrinks their size and makes them a little easier to manage. In the case of Knott’s Scary Farm, fortunately, we don’t have to face bloody clowns and monsters on a daily basis, but if or when we do, being mindful of how we respond and monitoring our reactions will hopefully make us less of a target. It can also make for some interesting albeit peculiar conversations with the creatures of the night!

Categories
Sexuality

Adolescents and Sex: When Curiosity Becomes Addiction

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Ah, the adolescent years: they are rife with curiosity, rebellion, changing bodies, emotional upheaval, you name it. Heck, no one said it was easy being a teen. If anything, it’s one of the most difficult periods in one’s development. There’s already so much to deal with, as teens learn to adjust to their physical changes along with the accompanying emotional ups and downs, their increased freedoms as high-school begins or comes to an end, and the heightened expectations from parents, teachers, and friends. However, the prevalence of hyper-sexualized imagery used in advertising, on television, in video games, on billboards and magazines, lends itself to inevitably skewed ideas and expectations regarding sexuality. For instance, online pornography is easily attainable, and often for little to no cost. Add the instant gratification of text messaging and the increased use of smart phones, and all of a sudden, not only is sexual content readily available, it’s often viewed surreptitiously. In fact, communicating via text message is the preferred means of contact for teens, so it’s not terribly surprising that sexting, sending provocative self-portraits, and using suggestive apps are a heady component in the adolescent vernacular. For some, however, this behavior can become compulsive, which can mean:

  • Loss of control over their behavior with sex
  • Continuing to participate in that behavior, regardless of its negative consequences
  • A preoccupation or obsession with the sex, porn, etc.

There is also a lot of shame associated with acting out sexually, particularly when it’s driven by addiction and compulsion. Like using drugs or drinking, there is a “high” associated with it, and addict behavior will prevail with sexual addiction, just as it does with drugs and alcohol. The truth is, as a culture, we are encouraged to be sexy but not sexual. Additionally, there is a double standard regarding sexuality, ie. the idea that “boys will be boys” or “girls are just more promiscuous.” There’s also a double standard regarding sex itself: hypersexuality in boys is frequently considered “studly,” while the same behavior in girls is often perceived as “slutty.” Sadly, that thinking lends itself to secrecy along with a heightened sense of shame. Couple that with an inclination toward addiction, and you’ve got a cocktail of doom. Fortunately, as more therapists and counselors become aware of sexual addiction, it’s more likely to be addressed in treatment. Also, as people enter treatment and begin to open up, any issues with sex addiction tend to come out. Not only does this process help alleviate their sense of feeling alone, it also provides a healthy environment of support, which allows for healing and change.

Categories
Adolescence Bullying

Dating Violence: Where’s the R-E-S-P-E-C-T?

Domestic violence doesn’t play the race card, class card, or age card–it has no boundaries: it thrives on dominance and control. In teens, it’s referred to as dating violence, a type of intimate partner violence, wherein a partner is pinched, hit, shoved, or kicked; they are often shamed, called names, bullied, embarrassed with intent, and isolated from friends and family; they are sometimes forced to engage in non-consensual sex. When started early in one’s life, these relationships can lead to a pattern of abuse as they grow older. If intimacy is learned through violence and fear, then violence and fear become the normative behavior, making healthy interactions seem foreign and perhaps even uncomfortable. Sometimes the initial teasing and name-calling that occur are considered normal, but often times, they are just the opening act leading to more serious violence like battering and/or rape.

This is a serious issue, but sadly, teens don’t usually report dating violence for fear of what friends or family may think. The fact is, it’s happening with more and more frequency, and to more people than we care to admit. These statistics from the CDCspeak volumes:

  • 1 in 4 adolescents report verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse from a dating partner each year
  • About 10% of students nationwide report being physically hurt by a boyfriend of girlfriend in the past 12 months

According to the US Department of Justice, “Females ages 16-24 are more vulnerable to intimate partner violence than any other age group,” and according to the Empower Program, sponsored by Liz Claiborne, “A majority of parents (54%) admit they’ve not spoken to their child about dating violence.” So, while this behavior is often recognized (and yet ignored) amongst teens, the parental knowledge base seems scanty at best. Parents are afraid to talk about it, and kids are afraid to go to their parents; that’s a double-negative detrimental to affecting change of any kind, now isn’t it! The CDC lists warning signs for someone at risk for using dating violence–recognizing these signs early may help stop the cycle of abuse before it can start:

  • Poor social skills;
  • Inability to manage anger and conflict;
  • Belief that using dating violence is acceptable;
  • Having more traditional beliefs about male and female roles;
  • Witnessing violence at home;
  • Alcohol use;
  • Having behavioral problems in other areas;
  • Having a friend involved in dating violence;
  • Witnessing violence in the community.

Other things we can do is foster positive, healthy relationships with our children, model loving behavior in the home, and talk about what’s going on with our kids or within the community regarding violence, even if it’s scary! Because if we don’t talk about it, our kids are ultimately at risk for trying to “fix” their problem with things like drugs and alcohol, and that’s just going to create another layer of dysfunctionality, opening more doors for despair to flourish.

Categories
Bullying

Bullying: Domination and Control

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    Bullies: tormentors, intimidators, tyrants–they carry many a title, yet they all do the same thing: terrorize those they perceive as weaker and/or different than they are. Peer groups define how kids socialize at school: they dictate fashion, hobbies, opinions, and are the basic, social construct for survival. For many, not subscribing to a peer groups’ values and norms can often lead to torment. Say a child’s peer group watches a lot of television, plays video games, engages in war play, and listens to popular children’s music, like Justin Beiber or Hannah Montana–they define the norm for their peer group. So, if a child comes along, who practices non-violence and doesn’t watch much TV or play video games, that child is often labeled as “weird,” a “sissy,” a “fag,” or “gay.”  In short, because that child differs from their peer group’s social norms, they are easily targeted and often victimized by bullying. Not fitting in can be deadly, but it shouldn’t be. If anything, it should be an opportunity to learn tolerance and compassion.
    In recent news, there has been a surge in suicides linked to bullying. Asher Brown and Seth Walsh were both 13 when they killed themselves–and both were targets of anti-gay bullying, along with Justin Aaberg, 15, Tyler Clementi, 18, and Billy Lucas, 15. In a study done by Sarah Konrath and Edward O’Brien at the University of Michigan, findings include a decrease in empathy among young adults, and a broader intolerance for difference. Contributing factors cane be everything from violent media, ie, video games and movies, to social media, where one’s ability to tune someone out is far easier than in real life. All of this makes it easier for bullies to function, and harder for those being bullied to be heard.
    Some signs that someone is being bullied can include:

  • Having few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time;
  • Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs);
  • Takes a long, “illogical” route when walking to or from school;
  • Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school;
  • Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home;
  • Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments;
  • Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams;
  • Experiences a loss of appetite;
  • Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem.

        Talking to your kids every day and asking questions is invaluable. Sometimes, it’s those moments where the one being bullied can finally feel safe enough to open up. If you’re a victim of bullying, please talk to someone–one of the most important factors in stopping the insanity is naming it. Taking action could ultimately save your life; ironically, action is the last thing a bully will expect.

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Categories
Addiction ADHD Mental Health

ADHD and Addiction

There’s an interesting correlation between ADHD and substance abuse, with research showing children who have ADHD as being more likely to struggle with addiction issues as adults. According to the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disorders, “some studies show a higher rate of ADHD among substance abusers and that people with ADHD may develop substance abuse problems at an earlier age.”  The three main characteristics of ADHD are: inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity, which can lead to high levels of anxiety, restlessness, and stress. Attempting to manage these symptoms can be overwhelming, particularly if one is symptomatic yet untreated.
As researchers and medical professionals dig deeper into addiction issues and ADHD, they are finding proof that lower levels of dopamine is a key factor. Sufferers begin to self-medicate and will often find temporary relief when they smoke marijuana, for example. Why? Well, because THC temporarily triggers the brain to release dopamine and dopamine makes us feel better. The user doesn’t realize the damaging effects THC has to their brain cells and this type of self-medication can set the stage for substance abuse, particularly since the use of drugs and alcohol can provide a sense of calm, even if just for a minute. Also, with an inclination toward impulsivity and risk-taking, ADHD sufferers tend toward perilous behaviors, which can also allude to addiction issues.
It’s important then, as parents, and friends of those suffering from addiction to look at ADHD as a link. Taking a whole-body approach is necessary–one must treat the ADHD component in collusion with the addiction component. Twelve-step meetings or treatment are wonderful tools to combat and cope with one’s addiction and will allow one to better handle the prescription treatment involved with managing ADHD. They have to be undertaken together, however, or one will counteract the other.

Categories
Recovery

Complacency in Sobriety: When Service Really Counts

    Complacency in sobriety is a wily thing: we get a little time under our belts, start feeling comfortable in our skin, finally get the girl or the guy, land the job, and basically get all of the “stuff” we thought would mean that we’d “made it,” and then, boom, our tornado-like behavior has seemingly faded into the past. Before we know it, we’re suffering from selective amnesia. It’s true, we get busy. It’s the inevitable result of getting our lives back. Our schedules become harried, and before long, we are so far removed from anything recovery related, we find ourselves spiritually and sometimes physically isolated. The truth is, there are a slew of things you can integrate into your daily routine that will take care of all three sides of the triangle (Unity, Recovery, Service):

  • Be of service, whether in a meeting or carousing through your day-to-day lives–that can mean anything from picking up those nasty cigarette butts,volunteering at your local shelter, or reaching out to someone in the office. In other words, get out of yourself for a while and see what magic can happen.
  • Develop your spirituality: start meditating regularly and learn how to manage all that thinking that happens, or go to the religious organization of your choice and sink into the quiet often found in those spaces. It’s incredible what healing happens when we still the mind for a spell.
  • Surround yourself with the wise-minded: those walking a similar path, readily able and willing to sweep up their wreckage if/when necessary, remembering that often times, “friends are the family you choose yourself.”

    Getting sober is one thing, but staying sober is something else. We are essentially going against the grain of our addict thinking, and to combat that, contrary action is necessary. Nothing is impossible, but it does takes a lot of work–work worthy of our greatest efforts. I am reminded of how important it is to nurture ourselves and our sobriety the way we did our addictions. It would be highly beneficial if that obsession with getting high was transformed into a similar passion for staying sober, because life is innately better when we aren’t trying to dance with our addictions.

So, what are some things you do to stay sober and in the moment? How do you contribute to your recovery? We’d love to hear from you!
   

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